Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

My ex is facing jail time for unpaid medical bills and I have a say??

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 3:38 PM
  • 19 Replies

So we went back to court today to amend his summer visitation and also because he hasn't paid his half of our children's medical expenses since he was ordered to 2 years ago.  Of course, for some reason that I did not understand, both cases were adjourned.

But here's the thing.  When we first got there and checked in, the court officer asked him if he had an attorney and he did not. So the officer told him that she strongly recommended that he go file for legal aid because he was facing jail time for the unpaid medical bills.  Now I didn't hear any of that at first.  What I overheard was him asking about legal aid so I asked the officer if I should be seeking council as well and the officer told me no, the only reason she told him to was because of his charges and that I had the right to request jail time or weigh in on the decision.

WTF?  I've heard that this sort of thing happens, where the judge will ask the woman if she wants the ex incarcerated for non-payment of child support and the like but I wasn't sure it was true.

Now I don't know what to do!  The judge adjourned us until August 6th and told us to try to work out the visitation schedule and money owed amongst ourselves.  I'm almost certain he's going to cry to his parents and they will give him the money to give to me so this may be a non issue when we go back to court but if it's not, I don't know what to do!  Should I let him go to jail??? I feel like if I don't, he will laugh in my face and continue to walk all over me. But if I do, depending on how long he's away, he could possibly lose his job and my kids might be mad at me!!

Has anyone ever made this decision or know of some who has and how it turned out?

by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 3:38 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 23, 2014 at 5:12 PM
2 moms liked this

Choices have consequences.  Sending him to jail for shirking his reponsibilities to his CHILDREN will serve as an object lesson for the kids.  YOU aren't sending him to jail, his actions are.

designkal3
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 5:29 PM

That's how I feel and I tried to explain it to them this way but they don't understand yet and I don't know how long it will take them to see it this way.  He has them thinking (esp my oldest daughter) that I'm being mean to him by asking for all this money (the child support and medical) and he has another family to support and they feel bad for him!!! He's just awful.  He manipulates them in any way that he can and I just have to sit back and watch!

But I know you are right!!

Quoting tottaxi:

Choices have consequences.  Sending him to jail for shirking his reponsibilities to his CHILDREN will serve as an object lesson for the kids.  YOU aren't sending him to jail, his actions are.


tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 23, 2014 at 7:21 PM

Have you explained to them that this money is for their needs?  You are not profitting by this money. 

How old are your kids?  Maybe they need a few lessons in how a budget works so they can see that if he doesn't pay his share then you have to pay it all or the doctor, etc.  will not see them.  People don't provide services to them for free or out of the goodness of their heart.  They provide a service and expect to be paid.  Not paying them is akin to theft.  Lots of Life Lessons to be learned here.  Take the opportunity to teach them by giving them examples.  The bad thing is that when we deal with deadbeat parents the other parent has to make up the slack.  The kids seldom see that happening because we don't want to be accused of parental alienation.  So we suffer.  We do without...usually in some personal sacrifice...so that our kids can carry on without noticing that the other parent dropped the ball.  I'm not so sure that telling them the truth is parental alienation.  Sometimes the facts need to be spoken.

Keep repeating that he got himself in this bind.  And if they screw up and don't honor their debts it will happen to them, too.  No one is above the law.  He is acting like he is a victim in all of this.  He IS a victim up his own bad behavior.  I am angry FOR you.  LOL!  Too many people like this guy out there and I, unfortunately, know quite a few.

designkal3
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 7:26 PM
They are 15, 13, 11, and 7. We have gone through so much crap with him. Physical and emotional abuse. Then the divorce. Then he remarried someone very much like him. He's manipulated my oldest daughter into telling the courts that I was an alcoholic and druggie. When it came out that was a lie, he never even got a slap on the wrist from the courts!! In the beginning, we had a restraining order and he had supervised visits and the courts ignored all that during that whole trial! Now we're back again!! I'm so tired.

Quoting tottaxi:

Have you explained to them that this money is for their needs?  You are not profitting by this money. 


How old are your kids?  Maybe they need a few lessons in how a budget works so they can see that if he doesn't pay his share then you have to pay it all or the doctor, etc.  will not see them.  People don't provide services to them for free or out of the goodness of their heart.  They provide a service and expect to be paid.  Not paying them is akin to theft.  Lots of Life Lessons to be learned here.  Take the opportunity to teach them by giving them examples.  The bad thing is that when we deal with deadbeat parents the other parent has to make up the slack.  The kids seldom see that happening because we don't want to be accused of parental alienation.  So we suffer.  We do without...usually in some personal sacrifice...so that our kids can carry on without noticing that the other parent dropped the ball.  I'm not so sure that telling them the truth is parental alienation.  Sometimes the facts need to be spoken.


Keep repeating that he got himself in this bind.  And if they screw up and don't honor their debts it will happen to them, too.  No one is above the law.  He is acting like he is a victim in all of this.  He IS a victim up his own bad behavior.  I am angry FOR you.  LOL!  Too many people like this guy out there and I, unfortunately, know quite a few.

Goobergal
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 7:53 AM
1 mom liked this

Send him to jail.  Sounds like it's time.  Either that or modify visitation, aka, he shouldn't have any.  Seriously, you are NOT sending him to jail.  I totally agree w totaxi.   She's always dead on with these things.  His other family isn't more important than his older children.  Doesn't work that way.  He knew what he was working with financially when he undertook having more kids. He's manipulating and using the kids and that should be brought up.  He needs to learn and this will do it.  He's a criminal and he should be housed where he belongs.  He thinks you won't follow thru.  I wouldn't accept a dime from him. Attorneys can now handle it with written agreements or in court.  He had TWO YEARS to pay it, he's cost you attorney fees so he owes you those as well.  

designkal3
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 9:38 AM
I'm wondering if I'll have a choice though if he comes up with the money. The judge made it seem like she was adjourning to give him the time to get the money. Do you think I can refuse it and still have him penalized? Because seriously, and I will tell a judge this: it's not about the money. It never has been. It's about the fact that he's purposely disrespecting and basically spitting on me and our children when he doesn't make the effort to do the right thing.

Quoting Goobergal:

Send him to jail.  Sounds like it's time.  Either that or modify visitation, aka, he shouldn't have any.  Seriously, you are NOT sending him to jail.  I totally agree w totaxi.   She's always dead on with these things.  His other family isn't more important than his older children.  Doesn't work that way.  He knew what he was working with financially when he undertook having more kids. He's manipulating and using the kids and that should be brought up.  He needs to learn and this will do it.  He's a criminal and he should be housed where he belongs.  He thinks you won't follow thru.  I wouldn't accept a dime from him. Attorneys can now handle it with written agreements or in court.  He had TWO YEARS to pay it, he's cost you attorney fees so he owes you those as well.  

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:07 PM
1 mom liked this

If he is able to come up with the money, the odds are that the judge will not do jack.  It doesn't seem right, but unfortunately contempt charges mean very little and are seldom punished even if they don't come up with (as in this case) the money.

Goobergal
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 10:12 AM
1 mom liked this

Agreed which is why I said let the attorneys do it. Slow it down some.  Let him have to go to another party. And Maybe her lawyer can come up w some kind of payment options like being responsible to pay a third party that the court approves and he pays all court and lawyer fees associated w contempt charges. 


Im im new to this and still learning but damn, something needs to be done. They live quite nicely and they hurt us financially when in fact they hurt the children.  

Quoting tottaxi:

If he is able to come up with the money, the odds are that the judge will not do jack.  It doesn't seem right, but unfortunately contempt charges mean very little and are seldom punished even if they don't come up with (as in this case) the money.


mjhunter
by Member on Jul. 26, 2014 at 12:40 AM
I would find out if there's a possibility that he could get jail time with work release. Then you wouldn't have to worry about him losing his job. I heard about this after I let my exh plead down a domestic violence charge to disorderly conduct because I was afraid of him losing his job and not being able to get any support from him. He constantly throws it in my face that I didn't send him to jail.
designkal3
by on Jul. 26, 2014 at 7:25 AM
Thanks for the info! What exactly is a work release?

Quoting mjhunter: I would find out if there's a possibility that he could get jail time with work release. Then you wouldn't have to worry about him losing his job. I heard about this after I let my exh plead down a domestic violence charge to disorderly conduct because I was afraid of him losing his job and not being able to get any support from him. He constantly throws it in my face that I didn't send him to jail.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)