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Manipulated by Daughter & Ex???

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:54 AM
  • 5 Replies

I'm divorced with joiunt custody of our almost 9 year old little girl.  When I was married it was always just she & I.  Her dad was always off doing things or in his man cave watching TV.  I divorced him when she was 5.  It was hard on her because she wasn't used to being without me and vice versa, but I had no help so I agreed to joint custody.  Oh how I wish I didn't.  He has tried in the past to get back together and till this day still does.  I am actualyl in a relationship with another man and have been for a couple years.  This means nothing to my ex.  I have never been able to stand up to him, I always ran and hid to avoid confrontation.  Especially more so now because I worry that if I do stand up to him he will say something to my daughter.  Though he already has said things to her.  He tells her how daddy has tried to get the family back together but mommy won't do it.  He told her it is all mommys fault we are divorced and mommy won't try.  He tells her that her life isn't normal and she believes all these things now.  I have always tried to be nice where her dad was concerned but now I think it has nipped me in the butt.  She will tell me "well it's your fault you left my dad".  Why won't I go to dinner with her dad, etc.....  The bad part is she adores the BF but she gets confused by it and then goes on the defence and gets mad at me.  She said she wants a normal life, doesn't want a step family.  What about her feelings, don't they count.  If I choose to marry my BF she will know how I feel and will live with her dad.   My BF proposed and I feel I can't even enjoy it because of how they both will act.  She knows, I told her, but her daddy still doesn't know yet.  I am actually shocked she hasn't said anything.  She tells me that I love the BF more than her.  I have already experinced 8 months of depression because of this.  I actually now have her in counseling.  I want sole custody but my counselor doesn't seem to like going to court or something.  I dont know, I am just so confused anymore.

This is really putting a hamper on my current relationship too.

Any advice or input would help please............

 

by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:54 AM
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Replies (1-5):
mjhunter
by Member on Jul. 26, 2014 at 1:47 PM
I'd say your daughter is being manipulated by her dad. Counseling is probably the best answer and you're already doing that. I personally wouldn't put the marriage on hold for a while. Maybe through counseling she will see what her dad is doing and come to be more accepting of the marriage.
designkal3
by on Jul. 26, 2014 at 1:56 PM
This is such a tough situation and I feel for you!! I have 4 children with my ex and he is the king of manipulation and verbal (used to be physical) abuse. Two years ago he manipulated our oldest daughter at the age of 13 to tell CPS and the courts that I was a drug addict/alcoholic and was exchanging sex for money to pay my bills. It was horrifying and I almost lost all my children!! Thank God the judge allowed my other children to be interviewed before any action was taken and all the charges were dismissed. My daughter actually came forward and admitted her father made her say those things and he didn't even get a slap on the wrist in court. I was devastated through the whole thing. We are back in court once again now. It never ends. I wish I could offer some advice but I'm still struggling for a solution myself. Things have gotten better and the children seem to be slowly learning who their father is but I have a long way to go. Our youngest is only 7. I wish you the best of luck and if you come across a solution, please let us know!!
JustOneAndDone
by on Jul. 26, 2014 at 7:57 PM
4 moms liked this

Hi there I am new here and this is actually my first post.  I came here looking for advice in a similar situation.  Unfortunately, I not only have dad telling tales, but his live-in GF too.  I feel so bad for my daughter as she is so confused, she doesn't know who or what to believe.  I don't want to bad mouth her father (well, yes I DO want to bad mouth him, lol, but I won't!!!!  :-)  )   He shows her my wedding ring, then tells her that I got fired so I can get more money from him (which is hilarious because he refuses to pay child support and works under the tabe so there is no paycheck to garnish) - this is compunded by his girlfriend, who he also lies to, who in turn lies (based on what he's told her) to my daughter.  He tells my daughter how much he loved me and still loves me (forgets the part about where he cheated multiple times, kicked mommy to the ground, took mommy's money) and even the GF goes along with that and tells her that daddy loved mommy very much, but mommy didn't want to be married anymore, and aren't we all so lucky because now she gets to be a mommy too (she can't have her own kids) and my daughter gets two families!!  It's crazy making.  I do have a bit of advice though, which I received from a very wise therapist.  She said the worst thing we can do is lie to our kids, even if it is with good intentions.  (such as buying gifts at Christmas or birthdays and saying they are from the other parent) because eventually they figure out the truth, so no only are they let down by the other parent, but now they think they can't trust either, even though our hearts were in the right place.  When my ex was pulling the wedding ring stunt (my daughter just burst into tears one night as we were watching TV and said she saw my ring and her dad said I could still have it if I wanted it) I didn't know how to deal.  My daughter asked "well don't you want to be married?"  I told her yes, I'd love that and she asked why I didn't want to be married to her dad.  Therapist said best answer is "yes, I would LOVE to be married again.  But the person I marry is going to have to be very special and I have rules for who I will marry.  They have to be kind to everyone, not just me, they have to work hard, they have to be loyal, they have to always tell the truth...." ect...... so this teaches her that if I don't want to be married to her dad, he must not meet one of these rules.... so I'm not lying to her, but I'm also not badmouthing dad.  It's helped in several situations.  It's not much, but hope it helps!

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 26, 2014 at 8:48 PM

 This is excellent!  Thanks so much JustOneAndDone!!!

Quoting JustOneAndDone:

Hi there I am new here and this is actually my first post.  I came here looking for advice in a similar situation.  Unfortunately, I not only have dad telling tales, but his live-in GF too.  I feel so bad for my daughter as she is so confused, she doesn't know who or what to believe.  I don't want to bad mouth her father (well, yes I DO want to bad mouth him, lol, but I won't!!!!  :-)  )   He shows her my wedding ring, then tells her that I got fired so I can get more money from him (which is hilarious because he refuses to pay child support and works under the tabe so there is no paycheck to garnish) - this is compunded by his girlfriend, who he also lies to, who in turn lies (based on what he's told her) to my daughter.  He tells my daughter how much he loved me and still loves me (forgets the part about where he cheated multiple times, kicked mommy to the ground, took mommy's money) and even the GF goes along with that and tells her that daddy loved mommy very much, but mommy didn't want to be married anymore, and aren't we all so lucky because now she gets to be a mommy too (she can't have her own kids) and my daughter gets two families!!  It's crazy making.  I do have a bit of advice though, which I received from a very wise therapist.  She said the worst thing we can do is lie to our kids, even if it is with good intentions.  (such as buying gifts at Christmas or birthdays and saying they are from the other parent) because eventually they figure out the truth, so no only are they let down by the other parent, but now they think they can't trust either, even though our hearts were in the right place.  When my ex was pulling the wedding ring stunt (my daughter just burst into tears one night as we were watching TV and said she saw my ring and her dad said I could still have it if I wanted it) I didn't know how to deal.  My daughter asked "well don't you want to be married?"  I told her yes, I'd love that and she asked why I didn't want to be married to her dad.  Therapist said best answer is "yes, I would LOVE to be married again.  But the person I marry is going to have to be very special and I have rules for who I will marry.  They have to be kind to everyone, not just me, they have to work hard, they have to be loyal, they have to always tell the truth...." ect...... so this teaches her that if I don't want to be married to her dad, he must not meet one of these rules.... so I'm not lying to her, but I'm also not badmouthing dad.  It's helped in several situations.  It's not much, but hope it helps!

 

Goobergal
by Bronze Member on Jul. 27, 2014 at 8:51 AM
1 mom liked this

She needs therapy.  I never lie to the kids when they ask me things.  Some things they don't need to know, others have been presented inapporopriately by dad or his many sluts.  If they come to me, they will always get an honest, direct answer.  I won't talk bad about him on purpose, unfortunately he is so rotten that the few redeeming qualities I can fairly talk about sound weak.  LOL.  Eventually they get the deal.  I'd take her to therapy, at some point see about a GAL. And going back to court and seeking parenting classes for ALL parties. 

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