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I want a divorce...

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:34 PM
  • 16 Replies

Because i don't like feeling like the relationship is all about him. It's totally one sided. I give and give, but he doesn't give back. He's an ass to me when i'm sick or hurting. He doesn't do anything with the kids. when he's away, he doesn't even call them when he goes off to work. I get tired of having to TRY and clean up the gosh awful messes he makes when he's at home. He doesn't throw anything away, clean anything, or put his dishes in the sink. he'll scoot them under the couch. He doesn't watch the kids and what they eat, complains when it takes me 2+ hours to grocery shop for reading lables because i dont' want my kids going into anaphylactic shock. He talks AT the kids instead of TO the kids like someone. He has done so much in the last 10 years to make me fall out of love with him. he'll straighten his act up for like 3 weeks, then go right back to mentally and emotionally abusing us.

My family keeps telling me to "work it out, give him another chance." and then turns right around and sees it happening again and gets angry. I'm between a rock and a hard place and by danged i'm going to climb my way out of it. 

I know this sounds horrible, but I am filing for child support and alimony. he chose for me to be a stay at home mom, wouldn't let me work, and insisted i stay a constant in the boys lives and teach them at home. he's going to support that choice. Will i get a job, Probably seasonally. He tells me i can't go back to school, Think again. I'm going to go back to school. I am going to get my degree, and i am going to get published. 

He is doing the exact same thing my ex husband did to me. Tell me that i can't do something. I've never been one to let someone tell me i can't do something, i always prove them wrong. i'll do it again. 

He doesn't know i'm planning this, he hasn't worked in 2 months with no unemployment coming in, he wouldn't look for work and blamed daddy for his lack of ambition to look. saying he was too busy with other things he wanted him to do. 

he messes up the house so badly i can't have company and i can't get it cleaned up... I'm done trying to talk to him because he never listens nor does he seem to care.  

So, am i wrong in being tired of trying? sorry it's so long. 

by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mjhunter
by Member on Jul. 26, 2014 at 11:25 AM
Good luck. Imo, go for the alimony if you can get it. My exh didn't make enough so while he pays a good bit in child support I could never live off it. Are you saying your current husband isn't working or is that your exh? Without him working, I'm not sure how you'll get any cs or alimony. It may be court ordered but if he doesn't have an income you'll be waiting for a while to get it. Definitely get some legal advice on it.

As far as whether you should divorce , only you know the answer to that. My parents saw the abuse I went through and were very supportive of my divorce. I know they wish I'd done it sooner but never told me too. It was important that I learned to stand on my own 2 feet without them. I was very independent and had a good career going before exh and I met. I became a sahm because I wanted to. It took me accepting that I could no longer be a sahm and I was better raising my kids as a working mom who was emotionally healthy before I was ready to file.
ladyofnight
by on Jul. 26, 2014 at 12:59 PM

Thanks. When he's working, he makes dang good money, so filing for that wouldn't be a problem. I don't think it's fair to any of us to keep going the way we are now. I do not love him. It's not fair to him, to the kids nor is it fair to me. I shouldn't have to lie and say i love him, because i don't. when he went to work, he didn't care that the kids and I wouldn't have any money when he had me send him more. I sent him a picture of the kids, and all he said, "that's cute, but what did you think of the picture i sent you?" totally one sided. I need a man who isn't all about himself, and more into the relationship as a whole, me, him and including the kids in things. It's not fair to keep this going any longer than necessary. 

The kids literally do not even draw him in the picture.  He treats the kids completely different. Our oldest is constantly getting in trouble for stupid crap that really isn't a big deal. but our youngest can get away with anything. The oldest sees all of this and is frequently unhappy. Right now, since he's been at work, i've seen a huge change in both of my boys. They are happier, they are more relaxed and much more helpful around the house. They try to make sure mom is happy and ok. My oldest son thinks it's his responsibility to take care of me, he's 8 years old and saying, "i need to get a job so i can take care of you mom." That's just so sad. He's a kid and should be a kid for as long as possible. sorry to just spew but i have no where else to turn with this dilemma. I don't know if i should talk to the boys about it or not. 

Quoting mjhunter: Good luck. Imo, go for the alimony if you can get it. My exh didn't make enough so while he pays a good bit in child support I could never live off it. Are you saying your current husband isn't working or is that your exh? Without him working, I'm not sure how you'll get any cs or alimony. It may be court ordered but if he doesn't have an income you'll be waiting for a while to get it. Definitely get some legal advice on it. As far as whether you should divorce , only you know the answer to that. My parents saw the abuse I went through and were very supportive of my divorce. I know they wish I'd done it sooner but never told me too. It was important that I learned to stand on my own 2 feet without them. I was very independent and had a good career going before exh and I met. I became a sahm because I wanted to. It took me accepting that I could no longer be a sahm and I was better raising my kids as a working mom who was emotionally healthy before I was ready to file.


tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 26, 2014 at 1:10 PM
2 moms liked this

You are NOT horrible for filing for child support and alimony.  You are a sahm by agreement and until you can get on your own feet financially the alimony is a necessity.  As mjhunter mentioned though, with him not working it might be ordered, but you won't be able to receive it.

Do you have an exit plan?  Don't leave prematurely.  Make sure you have your affairs in order first.  So some searching on divorce and custody in your state.  If there is anything you don't understand, please feel free to ask us. 

Do you own your own home?  Make sure you know your state's laws on how the court will view your leaving the home if that is your intent.  If you own your home there may be equity in it that you may have to split with stbx.

ladyofnight
by on Jul. 26, 2014 at 3:31 PM

The only questions i do have is mostly about the kids. I do have an exit plan, he will be "exiting" the home. currently we rent from my parents. (please excue the lack of capitalization, my shift keys don't work half the time.] he is working right now, finally, and if i do any kind of work, it would end up being seasonal. 

As far as custody goes, we live in TN, and unless we agree on joint custody, [which i am NOT agreeing too. he is too irrisponsible to have the kids any length of time. plus he absconded with his daughter from a previous relationship. so that's against him as being a flight risk.] we lost the house we were buying because he didn't want to go to work. 

My question about the kids is, even though it's on record he left with his first kid, is there still a chance he can get joint or liberal visitations? Do i talk to my boys about what's happening? if so, when? I am seriously in a funk right now cause the man has no idea how bad i feel in this relationship, though i've told him time and time again. 

Quoting tottaxi:

You are NOT horrible for filing for child support and alimony.  You are a sahm by agreement and until you can get on your own feet financially the alimony is a necessity.  As mjhunter mentioned though, with him not working it might be ordered, but you won't be able to receive it.

Do you have an exit plan?  Don't leave prematurely.  Make sure you have your affairs in order first.  So some searching on divorce and custody in your state.  If there is anything you don't understand, please feel free to ask us. 

Do you own your own home?  Make sure you know your state's laws on how the court will view your leaving the home if that is your intent.  If you own your home there may be equity in it that you may have to split with stbx.


tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 26, 2014 at 4:37 PM

With his crappy history you will want to be able to bring his past behavior up in court.  You probably need an attorney since you are wanting sole custody.  You want to always appear to be acting in the best interests of the children and NOT like you are trying to deprive him of a relationship with them.  I know that seems like an oxymoron, but that is how the court thinks...that even a shitty parent is better than no parent at all.

Go in asking for sole custody.  If you go in asking for joint there is no way you can reverse that later.  Stick to your guns even when it doesn't look like it will go that way.  I went through this.  Almost a year later I was awarded sole custody by the judge's decision.  A lot of it had to do with our inability to communicate.  Ex can not compromise or negotiate...he always thinks he is right.  With that attitude there was no way the judge could allow joint custody.

As far as telling your kids what is going on...be very careful.  Parental alienation is frowned on by the court.  The court really doesn't want the children to be aware of the business of these proceedings.  They do not want the parent to mention the details of visitation or child support to the kids.  In my state we are required to take a parenting class once the proceedings begin and all of that is explained.

ladyofnight
by on Jul. 27, 2014 at 2:02 AM

Thank you for all of your advice. I am taking notes and getting my ducks in a row and putting things together cohesively. Also, thank you for being supportive of this. My mom is really giving me some major roller coaster objectives to "think about". One day she's saying, "All men are like that,"  the next, "you don't need to stay in a one sided relationship, it's not healthy for the kids and look what he's teaching them." Then the next it's all, "I kind of feel sorry for him, he just wants to be accepted."  Well, you get the picture. I can't handle any more ups and downs, twists and turns. I'm losing hair like you wouldn't believe from stress, I'm much more quiet and reserved than i usually am, and my mom keeps nagging me over every little thing. it's to the point i don't know if i should try talking to her or not. i'm either getting yelled and and lectured or scrutinized. I've heard of micromanaging, but she tops the cake. I love her with all my heart, but DANG! 

Quoting tottaxi:

With his crappy history you will want to be able to bring his past behavior up in court.  You probably need an attorney since you are wanting sole custody.  You want to always appear to be acting in the best interests of the children and NOT like you are trying to deprive him of a relationship with them.  I know that seems like an oxymoron, but that is how the court thinks...that even a shitty parent is better than no parent at all.

Go in asking for sole custody.  If you go in asking for joint there is no way you can reverse that later.  Stick to your guns even when it doesn't look like it will go that way.  I went through this.  Almost a year later I was awarded sole custody by the judge's decision.  A lot of it had to do with our inability to communicate.  Ex can not compromise or negotiate...he always thinks he is right.  With that attitude there was no way the judge could allow joint custody.

As far as telling your kids what is going on...be very careful.  Parental alienation is frowned on by the court.  The court really doesn't want the children to be aware of the business of these proceedings.  They do not want the parent to mention the details of visitation or child support to the kids.  In my state we are required to take a parenting class once the proceedings begin and all of that is explained.


tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 27, 2014 at 8:25 AM

Have you told your mom your plans?  I remember my mom giving me encouragement and advice that she thought would help our marriage work before she knew I wanted out.  But, when I finally told her that I was done and filing for divorce she was like "It's about damn time!!   He is a total asshole!"  LOL!

Moms try to support what we want and avoid giving us their real opinion sometimes just to avoid being accused of that old "well, you never liked him" whine. 

Talk to her and have her help you plan.  She'll probably think of ways you need to cya that you haven't even thought about!

ladyofnight
by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 1:15 AM

I have told both my parents, and they are telling me i should put back X-ammount of money, not tell him and then wait until he's home to end it completely. He's going to make this extremely ugly i just know it. he's making me fee like i HAVE to tell him i love him. I don't like feeling pressured like that. 


Quoting tottaxi:

Have you told your mom your plans?  I remember my mom giving me encouragement and advice that she thought would help our marriage work before she knew I wanted out.  But, when I finally told her that I was done and filing for divorce she was like "It's about damn time!!   He is a total asshole!"  LOL!

Moms try to support what we want and avoid giving us their real opinion sometimes just to avoid being accused of that old "well, you never liked him" whine. 

Talk to her and have her help you plan.  She'll probably think of ways you need to cya that you haven't even thought about!


tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jul. 28, 2014 at 7:15 AM

What type of work does he do that he is away from home?  When you say that he is going to "make this extremely ugly" are you fearing physical abuse?

ladyofnight
by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 2:38 PM

He is a millwright, or, endustrial mechanic. No i don't feel him getting physical, just trying to take the kids from me. I have fibromyalgia, intersticial cystitis, polycystiv ovarian syndrome and possibly some other neurological problem that i can't go get checked out. He thinks because i have these illnesses he can get full or at the least joint custody. He doesn't need any custody of them. He absconded with his first child from a previous relationship, let our oldest get out in the four lane highway, and out of the house twice on his watch. He also took him home while in anaphylaxis, i followed and took him to the hospital, while he sat there smoking a cigarette watching our son die in the front yard. He yelled at our asthmatic son (same son btw) to go back to bed when he was coughing and feeling tight. I again, took care of that. He didn't want to take our youngest son (not the same one) to the ER with a broken collar bone just last year. He was playing power rangers with his brother, and fell over the bed. I insisted and he said, "i think it's just bruised." he broke it! i know my boys better than anyone, and he doesn't look before he feeds the boys anything and both of them have severe nut allergies. our oldest is allergice to wheat, oats, nuts, and avocados. He is too irrisponsible to have them any time. He also forced me to stay in the house when i tried to leave once before. Took my phone, my keys, locked the doors and told me i wasn't going anywhere. I'm DONE with this, and i refuse to let him have custody of them. I'm not going to keep him from them at all, but i don't trust him with them. 

Quoting tottaxi:

What type of work does he do that he is away from home?  When you say that he is going to "make this extremely ugly" are you fearing physical abuse?


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