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want divorce not intimacy with him

Posted by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 6:04 AM
  • 4 Replies

 I have been working towards getting a divorce from my husband.  I havn'et mentioned this to him because I am trying to get all my "ducks in a row" before I tell him so I can minimize the backlash. It has been a long time coming. 10 years of bull*, emotional, mental, and at times physical abuse. He has NEVER been physical abusive toward our daughter, but emotional and mental absolutly. I tried and tried and tried even though I wasn't healthy enough to be strong to stand up for myself. So many chances over ten years. From a 38 year old "man". Too little too late. I'm getting my daughter out of that situation. She needs to feel her self worth etc...he does more harm than good. I need to leave so I can be a strong healthy role model for her.

I think he might know something is up. He has been super nice and is getting really touchy feely, which is probably because we haven't had sex in 2 months. But I don't want to have sex with him. I am not in love with him and haven't been in a long time.

Should I just do it and "get it over with"? I never lasts long anyway. I just don't know how to fake any emotion. How can you do it when you loathe him and sex with him.

Any ideas? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 6:04 AM
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tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Sep. 23, 2014 at 9:02 AM

It's hard to give you an answer.  Since he is physically abusive your refusal could be a problem if you fear physical retaliation.  If that isn't a factor then I would say no.  I don't feel sex should ever be mandatory.  It would also make informing him of your desire to divorce confusing and lacking credibility...it would become a mixed message.

How long until you are ready to file for divorce?  What "ducks" are not yet "in a row"?  When abuse is involved it probably should be done with a definite exit plan in place and quickly...like ripping off a bandaid.

Is there anything we can help you with?  Questions we might be able to answer that will help you and your daughter get out of that toxic environment.?

prettyleodia
by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 2:42 PM
He has never been physical with her. Thank God! And the only physical abuse was shoving, thrown against the wall. With plenty of force to hurt me. Ten years is a lot to vent about.
Not that it makes t any better, but he hasn't been physical like that for about 8 years. And back then he was abusive to our animals too. I know I failed in many areas. I can't blame all of my lack of action on my mental health. However it was extrememe for most of the ten years.
He just retired. We signed a year lease. He was such an a**hole during the move I finally said I'm done. And having excellent doctors and my health back on track has helped Immensely.
I do have places to go for help and support, friends and family.
As for the ducks...I want to know all of my rights and procedures etc...before I tell him so he can't knock me on my feet, metaphorically. He is a spiteful person and I want to know what exactly I need to do.
Goobergal
by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2014 at 2:55 PM
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seems to me that there will be hostility no matter which direction you take.  If you fear it will be a contentious dvorce either way, I would not share intimacy with this person.  You are prolonging the inevitable.Plan your escape not and set that date.If you have a concrete date,you will be more motivated to get out. No matter what, if he's this kind of person, he will make trouble and you cannot anticipate it all.  I would just leave the state altogether but thats my favorite go to to avoid idiots.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Sep. 23, 2014 at 5:04 PM
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Usually when people say they are getting their ducks in a row they are referring to their finances and finding a place to live.  If this  not the case and it is just a matter of beginning the process then the best thing to do is find an attorney that specializes in divorce and child custody.  While you are waiting for that first appointment make sure that you have googled your state's website regarding divorce and understand the division of property, do a trial run through of the paperwork you will be doing, get your financial disclosure ready and make sure you have all account numbers and balances ready including any 401K information. 

Since you have a child you should review your state's laws regarding child custody.  Understand the different types of child custody and determine which is best for your situation.  The main factor to consider in determining this is how well the two of you can work together in your child's best interests and whether you are able to easily come to mutual agreements through negotiating and compromising.

That website will show you what are your state's standards in regards to visitation.  It will also have a child support calculator so that you can figure out what he will be paying (Or if he were to be awarded CP, how much you will be paying him.)  If you are confused about the different types of custody we can help you. 

Go into your meeting with your attorney with a full understanding of your rights BEFOREHAND.  Attorneys are not like they are on television.  You pretty much need to know what you want and then determine whether they are willing to fight for you.  They don't really guide you and they certainly don't explain the possiblities available to you.  If you want to run any of your concerns by us before you go, please do.  Maybe show us your "want" list and we'll give you our best guess as to whether it is doable.

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