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The beginning

Posted by on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:55 PM
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Ok, so I'm not sure if this is the right group for this post or not but it seems fitting. I'm currantly married (unhappily) and I'm preparing to leave my husband of 7 years together 3 married. I want to seperate Probally for good then divorce after things calm down. My question to others who have gone through this is how do I go about doing it? I'm afraid of his temper and Im pretty positive he will freak out. Let me give you a little description of our lives real quick.
First of all, the reasons I want out (not in any particular order) I'm not happy, we fight constantly, my big one is that he's an alcoholic and has gotten into legal trouble. First domestic with me (he shoved me and was freaking out so I called the cops) then got a DUI. Hes on probation but still drinking and still not caring his I feel or how it affects me and our young kids. He snaps over the smallest thing I say sometimes and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Some of the fights we've had have been really really bad. A bit physical as well as stuff being thrown and my stuff being broken. It's no way to live. I honestly don't feel I love him anymore and think he needs help emotionally. We will get along for a few days then fight over something stupid or If I word something wrong. I just don't want to wake up years from now and still be unhappy and regret staying. How do I go about letting him know that's how I feel and what I want to do? I'm scared of his reaction. I've mentioned my feelings about this before but maybe he thought I wasn't being serious. I just need someone to talk to about this. I've thought about seeing a therapist too.
It's crazy too cuz we just bought a beautiful house last summer and we have nice vehicles and I currently work from home although I'm trying to get a full time job out of the home in preparation to leave him.
Anyways, any input or advice would be greatly appreciated please.
by on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:55 PM
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by Bronze Member on Jan. 7, 2015 at 6:31 AM

Be smart about this, get a lawyer or several free consults, start saving money, you will need a restraining order and somewhere else to be when he is served. He is a functional alcoholic, it will only get worse, it never gets better unless he stops drinking altogether. Talk to a lawyer and therapy would be a good idea too, you need support. You will have to live with less but it will be better.

by Battle Weary on Jan. 7, 2015 at 8:40 AM
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If you read through this forum you will find that most men will act out and then empty the bank accounts.  So you need to plan your exit accordingly. 

Since yours is already abusive you need to have him served...don't tell him when he is at home, just have him served.  And when you file for divorce you also need to get a restraining order at the same time.  This is not uncommon, so don't feel out of line asking for one.  It will probably only be a temporary one, but it will give him time to cool off.  On the same day you have him served YOU need to empty the bank accounts.  At some point you may need to pay back half to him, but at least you will have money in your pocket to function with.

Get prepared financially in other ways, too.  Investments, tax forms, retirement account information....make copies of all your financial affairs.

I would also question separation before the divorce.  That is telegraphing your intent and allows him to have more control in the situation.  If you go for a legal separation then you are simply spending more for the same eventual outcome.  If you do not get a legal separation then he could easily run up credit cards, take cash withdrawals on credit cards and retirement accounts, etc..  And because it would have been done before filing YOU would be responsible for half that debt.

So first get that job and then get your financial ducks in a row.  The most difficult part of divorce is the child custody, so document his drinking and his DUIs and bad behavior that could affect custody.

Find an attorney that specializes in Family Law and Child Custody.  You want the best in your area.  If you don't hire the best, he will.

by Member on Jan. 7, 2015 at 1:48 PM
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Wow, that is all such great advice. Fortuantly I do have a bank account right now in only ny name. Our joint isnt being used right now because it went negative and we are paying on it and he just uses it to cash our checks. I def can see how he would use money against me because just a few days ago we got into a fight for two days and when he cashed his check, he kept it away from me. I did have mine although its small. That is my intent is to get the job and save up some money, its just so hard cuz I literally hate being around him. We have a few good days but it seems like it I opininate something or even have a bad day and am in a bad mood, it can set into motion a fight. I dont even care to go without for awhile. We have two vehicles then he has 4 older vehicles that are just his so he wont hurt for a vehicle. I will need one of the new ones to transport kids and for work. He has a habit though to use the vehicles against me. How do I have him served when he comes home everyday and I cant keep him from our house? What Im planning is to have a talk with him about me moving out "temporarilly" so we dont fight any more. He was going to move out last year before the domestic we had, but changed his mind. I do want to be moved out before I actually go forth with serving him. I know in my situation that will be better. All else fails, if he gets violent or goes crazy, I know I can call the sheriffs office or his probation officer. He will go to jail. That would give me the time I need to safely get away. I just dont want this fighting in front of our kids anymore. Its out of control. Also, FYI he was married before me and had domestic dispute with her although he made it to be her fault (of course). I really just thought it was all her (I knew them both before). I remember him saying he couldnt understand why his ex didnt understand that he just didnt want to be with her anymore, but I know in our situation HE wont understand. Also Im pretty sure he is bi-polar which makes him drinking worse. Im applying for food stamps temporary so I can afford to feed my kids when I get out. 

I dont see him wanting to quit drinking at all. He still drinks and no matter what he hasnt slowed down. His probation officer showed up here one morning to check in and he was at my brother in laws house passed out on his couch. I should have told the truth but I said he was working. Honestly, Id be fine if he goes to jail. Then at least I can get out in a positive manner. I dont have the money for a lawyer at all. Anyways, its all I can think about and I just want OUT. :(

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