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Has anyone heard of this?

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 3:28 PM
  • 19 Replies
My husband has been forcing himself into the house at exchange times, claiming he has to use the restroom or demanding to see my son's fish tank to "make sure I haven't killed all of his fish." Whatever excuse he can think of to snoop. I hate the experience - every time he screams about toys being messy or whatever he can think of. Now I've asked him not to come inside anymore, and he claims he's going to file a motion with the court to have my home regularly and randomly inspected.

When we first separated, he called the police to my house twice, claiming it was uninhabitable. Both reports show that the house was fine.

Has anyone heard of having a home randomly inspected during a divorce? Is there anything I can do to stop his harassment? I haven't even been allowed to see his new apartment or that my son has any of his basic needs being met.
by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 3:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jan. 31, 2015 at 6:15 PM
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Just tell him to fuck off.   And that you are going to request that the exchanges be done at the police station nearest you.

When is the next exchange?  Ask that a police officer be there at that time.  You do NOT have to let him in.  He can pee his pants and those fish are now yours and you can filet and fry them if you choose.  NOT his business.

Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 6:57 PM

 wow. Have not heard that you can request an 'inspection' but document it all... what an asshat.

move the pick up/drop off to another location. Love tottaxi's idea of the police dept.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jan. 31, 2015 at 7:27 PM

My SO and BM have their exchanges at the police station.  It helps in quite a few ways.  If she is late, SO can go in and ask the police to document it.  If she causes a scene the police are there to send her arse back to her car.  If he needs to hand her paperwork he can do it with a police presence.  He can ask for them to write a report on the spot if there are any issues.  It cuts down on the drama.  It doesn't totally prevent it, but I'm sure it would be far worse if it was done at McDonald's or Walmart parking lot.  There are also security cameras to document everything.

I should also add that my ex used to give me a ration of sh*t at every exchange in the early part of our separation.  My attorney wrote to his and said that if the harassment didn't stop that the exchange would be done at the police department.  My ex hasn't got the best rapport with law enforcement, so he didn't want that to happen.  He cut down on the harassment after that.  Not totally, but he knows that I always have that option.

STBSingleMom
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 8:24 PM
This is just one thing after another. Now e claims that the judge is going to order the house sold and proceeds split (he is hung over and has been at it all day). 1. In his divorce decree, he stated that it was in the best interest of the child if we remain in the home (I didn't think he could change that at the last minute?) and 2. He has already taken out about $15,000 worth of property, his $50,000 car, and has his boat (which is worth far more). The equity in the house is less than $40,000. I thought that with equitable distribution it was 50/50 for all assets acquired during the marriage. How can he claim all of those as his, live in a penthouse apartment, and demand that the home where his son has lived since birth be sold and split?!
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jan. 31, 2015 at 10:15 PM
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There is a difference between "equal" and "equitable".  You need to research this and how your state applies this.

I'm confused about the statement "in his divorce decree".  Who is the "his" that stated that?

Are you able to afford the home on your own?  Finance it in your own name?

STBSingleMom
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 10:23 PM
In my husband's divorce decree - or whatever the document is that initiated the divorce action - he stated that it was in our best interests for me to stay in the home and that he was seeking to bar me from relocating by allowing me to stay in the home.

I have started finding consulting projects and will be able to afford the home (we bought as a foreclosure - so my monthly payments on the mortgage are about half of what id spend on an apartment in the same school district). I am told I will also qualify for alimony for approximately one year while I get on my feet. I cannot refinance on my own, but I have been presented two options. His attorney offered a settlement agreement that said I would have 24 months to refinance the home. Or, my parents are able to help with the refinancing. I would make the payments, but they would qualify for another mortgage.

I'm in Florida. I've sat through a number of UMC hearing days with my judge and he always says "it's 50/50, folks."
Goobergal
by Bronze Member on Feb. 1, 2015 at 8:22 AM
1 mom liked this

You are getting shafted.  You are being told things willy nilly by this assole.  Where's your attorney?  Use him or her.   Initially filings are not decrees, a decree would be the final say by the judge.  You may exchange your child for visits in a public place like walmart or you can do it at the police station.    We did it at walmart and my ex was an asshole even there.  But it was close to me and I also dared him to mes w me.  I was a little crazed back then and thought if he did something to me, my agony would end.  Don't recommend it.  One time I knew he would get insanely crazy on me.  Some court thing or another that pissed him off.  So I parked diagonally across from a sheriff in the walmart parking lot.  He saw me pacing and that set him on edge.  So the ex comes zooming down the lot entirely too fast where he could've killed someone and gets  out the car screaming at me and pointing at me menacingly.  Then he made eye contact w the sheriffs deputy, realized his error, shut the hell up and went back in the car and sent my child out.  Id never been so grateful or satisfied to have him shut down so easily.  Asshole..


mmy take is that he's using your fears to harass and control you.  I lost the house in the divorce.  I lost a lot.  But he would've dragged me down w debt and it would have felt like a noose around my neck.  Good riddance.  Kids are resilient and they dealt w it.  We started a new life and leaving the old one back, altho sad, allowed them to recover outside of that narcissists interfering bullying grasp. There is no price on peace and sanity.  We have both.  Give up earthly ties, or be willing to.  You MUST get out from under his thumb.  

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Feb. 1, 2015 at 10:11 AM

Florida Divorce: Dividing Property

Find out how marital property (and debt) is divided in an Florida divorce case.


Gavel and Scales

States have different rules about how property is divided at divorce. Florida law requires an equitable, or fair, division of property between the spouses. The law says that equitable usually means equal—but a judge who believes that a precisely equal division would be unfair can divide the property in a different proportion after considering all relevant factors, including the following:

  • the length of the marriage
  • each spouse’s economic circumstances
  • any interruption in either spouse’s career or educational opportunities
  • each spouse’s contributions to the marriage, including contributions as a homemaker or parent,
  • either spouses contribution to the career or educational opportunities of the other spouse
  • each spouse’s contribution to acquiring or increasing income
  • each spouse’s contribution to improving marital or nonmarital assets
  • liabilities incurred by either spouse, whether affecting martial or nonmarital assets, and
  • either spouse’s intentional dissipation, waste, depletion, or destruction of marital assets after the filing of the petition for divorce or within 2 years prior to filing.

A Florida court dividing property will also consider how easy or difficult an asset is to divide. For example, a business started by one spouse during the marriage would generally be a marital asset, but in most cases the judge would award the business entirely to the operating spouse, while giving the other spouse other property or money to make up for it. A court won’t order a couple to divide a marital home--in other words, to each take part of the actual house--but the judge could order them to sell it and divide the proceeds. A judge also has the option of awarding one spouse the right to live in a marital home temporarily, if this seems to be the most equitable resolution. The court will give particular consideration to how this option might benefit any childrenwho are still in school.

Some couples are able to agree on how to divide everything on their own, while others seek the help of attorneys or a mediator to negotiate a settlement. Couples who don’t manage to resolve property issues outside of court will end up going to court to ask for a decision from an arbitrator or a judge.


Marital and Nonmarital (Separate) Property

Only marital assets and debts are divided when a couple divorces. Marital assets includes everything the spouses acquired, both separately and together, during the marriage. Florida law also says that marital assets include all vested or nonvested benefits, rights or funds either spouse accrues during the marriage, including retirement, pension, profit-sharing, annuity, deferred compensation, and insurance plans and programs.

Property is nonmarital, or separate, if a spouse owned it before marriage or acquired it during marriage as a gift (not including gifts from the other spouse), or by inheritance. Separate property also includes:

  • assets and debts that the spouses have defined in a valid written agreement as separate property,
  • income from separate property, unless the spouses have treated the income as marital property, and
  • items purchased with or exchanged for separate property.

If separate property increases in value during the marriage as a result of contributions of marital funds or the efforts of either spouse, then the increases in value are marital property. For example, if one spouse owned a business prior to the marriage and it increased in value during the marriage, the original value of the business would remain separate property, but the increase in value would be marital property, and that property would have to be divided between the spouses.

A spouse can convert nonmarital property to marital property by changing title from individual to joint ownership, in which case a court would presume that the spouse intended to make a gift of the property to the marriage.

How you hold title can be very important. There is a very strong presumption under Florida law that all real or personal property held by the parties as "tenants by the entireties" is marital property, regardless of whether one spouse or both spouses acquired the property and whether they acquired it before or during the marriage. Any spouse claiming that all or a part of such property is separate must present clear and convincing proof, so check your deed before arguing that certain property is separate.

Marital and separate property can be mixed together—sometimes called “commingling.” Some couples combine their separate assets intentionally; others do so without thinking about it. A premarital bank account belonging to one spouse can become marital property if the other spouse makes deposits to it; a house owned by one spouse alone can become marital property if both spouses pay the mortgage and other expenses during the marriage. If the spouses aren’t able to decide what belongs to whom, the judge will have to decide whether any or all of the commingled property was a gift to the marriage or whether the original owner should be reimbursed in whole or in part. These situations can be very complicated and may require the assistance of an attorney.

Assessing Value

After determining which property is marital property, the couple, or the court, will assign a monetary value to each item. Couples who need help determining values can hire professional appraisers. Some financial assets, such as retirement accounts, can be very difficult to evaluate and may require the assistance of a financial professional, such as a C.P.A. or an actuary.

Dividing the Property

Spouses can divide assets by assigning certain items to each spouse, possibly with an equalizing payment if one spouse gets substantially more than the other, or by selling property and dividing the proceeds. Couples who get along fairly well with one another sometimes agree to continue owning property together for some specific purpose. For example, they might agree to keep the family home until children are out of school, or keep an investment property in hopes it will increase in value.

The couple must also assign all debt accrued during the marriage, including mortgages, car loans and credit card debts, to one of the spouses.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Feb. 1, 2015 at 10:26 AM
1 mom liked this

When your ex filed for divorce he made a proposal.  That is simply what he is stating as his offer to you to settle.  It doesn't mean jack until you agree to it and a judge signs off on it.  Generally, you will make a counter offer that states what you wish as the final decision.  Then either the two of you come to a compromise/mutual agreement or if you can not, the judge will decide the final outcome.  Don't be afraid to let the judge decide, especially if your stbx is being unreasonable.  Judges will apply the law.

On the house...since it was purchased during the marriage, you could be ordered to sell it and split the equity from the sale.  It might be that you are given those two years to refinance.  It's great that you parents are offering to help you finance, but you need to go to the bank now to find out what those terms would be so that you can present that option to the court.

One thing that you have to make clear to him is that you are representing yourself.  He must deal with you as he would an attorney.  All of his demands need to be IN WRITING.  Hell, even if you were not pro se, it would be best if you limit your communication to writing only.  YOU NEED documentation.  Never have a verbal conversation without sending an email or letter restating the content of the conversation and any decisions that were reached.  ("As per our converation on February 1st, you stated this, I stated that and we agreed to blah, blah, blah.")

Since you are pro se you are going to have to be VERY careful what you agree to.  Always take the time you need to offer your response.  You have to be within the law.

WrongWayDiva
by Bronze Member on Feb. 1, 2015 at 12:23 PM
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Have you looked into the possibility of getting a legal aid attorney?   Your STB ex is arrogant and controlling enough that I think you need one.   Some of the behaviors you have described are definitely abusive and controlling--also he is *gaslighting* you--making you think you are nuts, making you start questioning your own abilities and confidence.  I think you would benefit from talking to a woman's advocate or abuse counselor--there are advocates that will go with you to court and be there for support, even if they cannot give legal advice.  

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