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Terrified

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2016 at 4:55 AM
  • 7 Replies
Hello ladies.
I am a sahm of 4 kids. And I'm at the point of wanting to divorce my husband of 12 yrs.
I have been feeling like I'm gonna have regrets in the future and that there is more for me & my kids out there. I'm so tired of the name calling, putting me down, blaming me for things, him getting mad because I'm exhausted & not in the mood to have sex, and him making me feel like anything I do is never good enough. There has been a time or two of physical abuse. And I am really tired of a grown man pitching a fit at 4am ( like this morning).
But even though I feel all these things I am absolutely terrified ! I have no car, no job, and very few friends. So starting over with nothing sends a panic over me. And he is the type to leave me with nothing.
He got mad one day and took the last $20 out of my wallet and left & went & stayed at his moms for the weekend, I had to make do with what was in the house for me & the kids. It was like he was punishing me !
I'm so scared, lost & miserable.
by on Apr. 8, 2016 at 4:55 AM
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Replies (1-7):
sonnyswoman75
by on Apr. 8, 2016 at 9:57 AM
Don't be terrified if you want better go for better! There are agencies and public assistance to help you get back on your feet again.
lovingmommy4316
by on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:03 AM
Thank you.
I think one of the issues is that for so long he made me feel guilty if having friends. And if I would go to a girls night or grab some lunch with a friend.. He would start his questoning. Who did I go see, who was there, what guy did I see, ect..
So I eventually cut out all the friends I had .
So I really have no support or anyone to talk to through all of this.


Quoting sonnyswoman75: Don't be terrified if you want better go for better! There are agencies and public assistance to help you get back on your feet again.
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Apr. 8, 2016 at 10:24 AM

Your story is so familiar.  It hurts my heart to hear about another woman living like this.

There are some basic steps that you need to take.  Start by reading the sticky posts here.  You will see that what is happening to you is not unique to you.  Its abuse.  Start from that perspective.

See a counselor.  Just you.  Marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money.  Therapy will help you climb out of that dark hole he has you buried in.  You will become stronger and be able to see his gaslighting for what it is.

You have four children and it is probably more cost effective right now for you to be a sahm, but that needs to change.  You have to be able to find employment.  He can get used to the idea of paying for child care now.  You didn't mention the ages of your kids, but I'll assume that a couple are in school now.  So work with that.  If you need to sah then start doing child care in your home.  We do have a member here that went to work for a daycare center and part of the perks of her employment was getting free child care.  That could be an option for you, too.  Bottomline is that you need a job...or two.  Don't let your husband shut that down.

Any...and I do many ANY physical abuse or fear of physical abuse needs to be reported.  Call the police.  You need this documentation.  Don't think twice about how it will look to the neighbors or whatever.  Go right now and put the number or 911 on speed dial.  USE IT.  That documentation will go a long way in court.  And if he hurts you physically get a restraining order.  Keep it in place once you have it.  No matter how much he whines and cries about how he will change you must keep it.  Do not believe him.  He will sense that you are getting stronger and will become Prince Charming, but know that as soon as you let down your guard he will revert to his old bad behavior.

Once you are prepared to file for divorce (save that money and while you do you need to start interviewing attorneys and researching child custody and divorce), we can help you with any questions or concerns.  Go to the website for your state's laws on divorce and custody.  You'll even find a child support calculator so that you know what you will be receiving as well as the laws on maintenance which you will most likely be eligible to receive.  Just don't get too excited about that.  Court ordered supported doesn't guarantee that he will pay it.  Look up the statistics on deadbeats.  There are tons of them.  And they are seldom punished.

lovingmommy4316
by on Apr. 8, 2016 at 12:56 PM
Thank you so much for your advice and support. I have read some if the stickys already. I'm just lost in fear of being able to start over at 32. And all my kids are in school now. Their ages are 12,11,10&7. Oldest are about to be 13 & 12 this month.

Quoting tottaxi:

Your story is so familiar.  It hurts my heart to hear about another woman living like this.

There are some basic steps that you need to take.  Start by reading the sticky posts here.  You will see that what is happening to you is not unique to you.  Its abuse.  Start from that perspective.

See a counselor.  Just you.  Marriage counseling will be a waste of time and money.  Therapy will help you climb out of that dark hole he has you buried in.  You will become stronger and be able to see his gaslighting for what it is.

You have four children and it is probably more cost effective right now for you to be a sahm, but that needs to change.  You have to be able to find employment.  He can get used to the idea of paying for child care now.  You didn't mention the ages of your kids, but I'll assume that a couple are in school now.  So work with that.  If you need to sah then start doing child care in your home.  We do have a member here that went to work for a daycare center and part of the perks of her employment was getting free child care.  That could be an option for you, too.  Bottomline is that you need a job...or two.  Don't let your husband shut that down.

Any...and I do many ANY physical abuse or fear of physical abuse needs to be reported.  Call the police.  You need this documentation.  Don't think twice about how it will look to the neighbors or whatever.  Go right now and put the number or 911 on speed dial.  USE IT.  That documentation will go a long way in court.  And if he hurts you physically get a restraining order.  Keep it in place once you have it.  No matter how much he whines and cries about how he will change you must keep it.  Do not believe him.  He will sense that you are getting stronger and will become Prince Charming, but know that as soon as you let down your guard he will revert to his old bad behavior.

Once you are prepared to file for divorce (save that money and while you do you need to start interviewing attorneys and researching child custody and divorce), we can help you with any questions or concerns.  Go to the website for your state's laws on divorce and custody.  You'll even find a child support calculator so that you know what you will be receiving as well as the laws on maintenance which you will most likely be eligible to receive.  Just don't get too excited about that.  Court ordered supported doesn't guarantee that he will pay it.  Look up the statistics on deadbeats.  There are tons of them.  And they are seldom punished.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Apr. 8, 2016 at 1:06 PM

Oh hell yes.  Thirty-two is practically ancient!  LMAO!

Seriously, your kids are in school, so now you are only dealing with some afterschool care.  At the ages of the older children even that may not be a factor.

Go ahead and get a job.  Not only will you start on your road to financial independence, but it will give you an opportunity to start meeting people again and you won't be imprisoned any more.

While  you are still married you need to apply for a credit card in your name only.  Keep it secret and keep it safe.  You will need this once you make your move.  You can also use it to hire an attorney if need be.

lovingmommy4316
by on Apr. 8, 2016 at 1:11 PM
Ohhh... I never thought of getting a credit card for me ! That's brilliant !
I have applied at several different places. Pays not the best but I figured it will be a start.
I also want to finish school somehow. That's another thing. Something always came up why I couldn't finish, my car would go out & he would put off fixing it. Or he would say we can't afford the internet at home so I could do online classes while the kids were out of school for the summer so we could save on child care. It was always something !


Quoting tottaxi:

Oh hell yes.  Thirty-two is practically ancient!  LMAO!

Seriously, your kids are in school, so now you are only dealing with some afterschool care.  At the ages of the older children even that may not be a factor.

Go ahead and get a job.  Not only will you start on your road to financial independence, but it will give you an opportunity to start meeting people again and you won't be imprisoned any more.

While  you are still married you need to apply for a credit card in your name only.  Keep it secret and keep it safe.  You will need this once you make your move.  You can also use it to hire an attorney if need be.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Apr. 8, 2016 at 3:31 PM

It's the new method of keeping the little woman at home, barefoot, and pregnant.  It's all about Power and Control.

You can have access to the internet...just go to the library or local hot spot for wifi.  I think you need to think about doing this stuff outside the box and if he finds out and abuses you then call the police.  At this point you may have to think of it as working towards the greater good.

You can do this.  It is not easy getting free of your abuser and that is why you need counseling.  If you have a Center of Prevention of Abuse you may find resources that will help you...including therapy for you, your kids, legal help and a safe place to go if the need arises.  Since you are being abused you need to have an escape plan...bag packed and hidden or with a trusted family member or friend.  Be Prepared.

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