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I need advice

Posted by on Apr. 20, 2016 at 10:27 PM
  • 5 Replies
This week has been hell.
I messed up a few weeks ago and bought some discounted tickets through work for a professional baseball game. My employer is having a family day at the stadium that day and I was so excited to take the boys. I'm final off on weekends and can take them to stuff like this!
Seemed great!! Until I realized that it was on a Sunday, not a Saturday. I was confused about the date when I ordered them. The boys are with their dad on Sunday's ...

I know better than to ever ask him to switch a day. I know this!!! But I had already bought the tickets....and figured it was worth a shot. A simple exchange of one day, right? WRONG.

Ex proceeded to berate me, cuss at me, and tell me I have screwed him over completely every time he's agreed to something besides what is in the court order. Multiple times.
We barely ever go outside the court order. Let alone it having screwed him over! I can remember twice off the top of my head. Once on my 9 yr olds bday...I offered him to keep the boys for a couple of extra hours so my son could spend a little time with his dad on his actual bday. The other time, ex was out of town...flying in late. I met him the following morning instead of our evening exchange. That's all I can think of. I mean, there have been a few times where there's been attempts to make adjustments but I'm so afraid of setting a precedence and it coming back to haunt me...that I always end up saying "we need to stick to the court order".

So, after two different days of a ton of berating and just....bullshit. Ex finally sent me a message saying "ok...here's the deal..." He said I could only have ths older two boys. Our 3 (4 in a little over a week) year old could go. That it wasn't appropriate to take him to a baseball game. That he wanted to have the kids the following Tuesday, no matter how late he got off work. He wanted them the week after that for two extra days...and to keep them out of school to do something fun. (The day he's taking about is after the end of the school year lol) And when our oldest is in the hospital, he wants zero complaints from me about leaving the boys with his girlfriend. First...I've come to the realization that I can't do anything about who he leaves the kids with. Second...why isn't he going to bring the younger two to visit our older son in the hospital? I asked him that and he said I told him the kids could come at all. I said they should not come the day of surgery. Not that they couldn't come the following days... I had to send him screen shots with the proof because he kept claiming I was lying.

So....after a lot more berating and getting cussed at...I had enough. I just can't do it anymore. I am so beyond drained from keeping up with all of these crazy texts. So I told him that from this point forward he needed to contact me by email. I gave him the email address I have set up for everything in regards to him/divorce. I told him in case of emergency, to call my cell or work. And that I would have the kids answer when he calls at night.
He proceeded to email my other..regular email ....but the one I directed him to use....saying that I was blocking him from my phone ( we aren't allowed to block each other's phone #s),that I was immature to ask him use email...that it's outdated and he basically doesn't have time for it.
I emailed him from the correct email, again stating the correct email address he should use. Which he turned around and forwarded that to my OTHER email and responded "ok"

I let it go. Decided I would wait and see if it happened again. And of course it did. He sent a group message about our younger sons bday. So not only did I get a message from him to my incorrect email....but I got one every single time someone responded to his group message!

I emailed him from my correct email saying I was blocking him from my other email address, that this was the one he needed to be directing communication to.
Ugh. He's gone off again. Why am I surprised?
He is refusing to use email because it's outdated, he isn't court ordered to, he's busy working, and he only checks that email acct once a day because he has so any emai accts to check. He will not be sending me any more info unless it's an emergency...per my request.
And since I am refusing to communicate with him like I'm CO to since I'm the primary custodial parent....he is more than happy to take on being the primary residential parent. Because HE has no issue with communicating to me...even tho he isn't required to.
Oh! Also, he is assuming that since I don't want to communicate through texts (or something to that extent) that anything he isn't required to abide by any agreements outside of the court order. I.e. He won't be bringing my youngest to my house on Tuesday mornings when I am working. And that I better pay close attention to the temp CO because it states he drops off to MOTHER and isn't required to release the kids to anyone besides ME. That he is more than happy to keep them and I will just have to pick them up from him when I get off work.

UGHHHHHH. what do I even do about this? On Tuesday, he has to work too!!! He'll just be bringing them to his gf instead of to my house with my babysitter/his niece. Tuesday is my parenting day...it's not like I'm trying to control what he's doing with the kids on his time.

If I have to leave work to get my son from my ex or his GF, will the police come with me?? I know they can't DO anything, but will they come with me though?

I need advice. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's slowly cracking away at me recently.

I know this Tuesday morning thing is confusing. I'm sorry about that, but hopefully the exchange time changes to Monday night after our court date.
by on Apr. 20, 2016 at 10:27 PM
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Replies (1-5):
STBSingleMom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 20, 2016 at 11:09 PM
Does the CO say anything about who can do pick ups and drop offs? Or does it just say that he's supposed to take children to mother on Tuesday? And read the language carefully - does Mother imply you or your residence?

Also - how is ROFR handled? He can't refuse your childcare provider and then leave the kids with one on his end - but he could stay home Tuesday to prove a point if he has it (you weren't watching them so I exercised my right of first refusal and kept them). Are child care providers required to be mutually agreed upon? I demanded that provision in my CO.

As for refusing to bring the kids to you - honestly if he's being difficult (and you can), call out sick on Tuesday (don't tell him either way). Then, if he doesn't turn the children over, contact him and ask where they are and go pick them up. If the kids are at his girl friend's house (not his), the police can and will enforce the court order and require her to turn them over and you can show custodial interference because they are interfering with your parenting time. That won't bode well for him in court but depending on how long you have til your hearing you could be setting yourself up for a weekly or biweekly struggle.
STBSingleMom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 20, 2016 at 11:12 PM
Oh and don't show up without police. If they're with dad they'll tell you take it to court. If they aren't at dad's house or with him and you have a CO that says its your day, they have to provide an escort to enforce a court order. All depends on the jurisdiction and officer though. Where I live, the police have ignored my ex's threats to not return DS. Where he lives now, thank God, the police take it seriously.
RadnRem
by Bronze Member on Apr. 21, 2016 at 6:22 AM
The temp CO says "father will drop of to mother on Tuesday at 8am" and it specifies that our pick up/drop off is to be done at the court house. Just in the parking lot outside of it...not inside or anything like that.

Since my work schedule changed, he agreed (not without vague threats and demands) to take our 9 yo to school then bring our 3 yo to my home where his niece babysits for me.

There is no ROFR specified in the temp order. But there is NO way he will not go to work on Tuesday. He has inventory and schedule deadlines to meet every Tuesday. Tuesday is the one day I know he won't call in (he never calls in regardless, but I'm 100% confident about Tuesday's)

Child care providers don't have to be agreed upon. I do not think that one would work well for us. I would face huge issues with him trying to be controlling and it would essentially result in the type of issue I'm having now.

He and his gf live together. Do you think that will make a difference with this issue?


Quoting STBSingleMom: Does the CO say anything about who can do pick ups and drop offs? Or does it just say that he's supposed to take children to mother on Tuesday? And read the language carefully - does Mother imply you or your residence?

Also - how is ROFR handled? He can't refuse your childcare provider and then leave the kids with one on his end - but he could stay home Tuesday to prove a point if he has it (you weren't watching them so I exercised my right of first refusal and kept them). Are child care providers required to be mutually agreed upon? I demanded that provision in my CO.

As for refusing to bring the kids to you - honestly if he's being difficult (and you can), call out sick on Tuesday (don't tell him either way). Then, if he doesn't turn the children over, contact him and ask where they are and go pick them up. If the kids are at his girl friend's house (not his), the police can and will enforce the court order and require her to turn them over and you can show custodial interference because they are interfering with your parenting time. That won't bode well for him in court but depending on how long you have til your hearing you could be setting yourself up for a weekly or biweekly struggle.
RadnRem
by Bronze Member on Apr. 21, 2016 at 6:37 AM
I got out the temp CO to see the exact wording used.
Under "parenting time" it says "all children shall spend time with father on the following days and times with the other parent exercising all other available parenting time: every Saturday at 7pm to Tuesday at 8am."

Under "exchanges" it says "exchanged of all children from father to mother shall occur at the Xxx county sheriff department". And vise versa for exchanges from me to him.



Quoting STBSingleMom: Does the CO say anything about who can do pick ups and drop offs? Or does it just say that he's supposed to take children to mother on Tuesday? And read the language carefully - does Mother imply you or your residence?

Also - how is ROFR handled? He can't refuse your childcare provider and then leave the kids with one on his end - but he could stay home Tuesday to prove a point if he has it (you weren't watching them so I exercised my right of first refusal and kept them). Are child care providers required to be mutually agreed upon? I demanded that provision in my CO.

As for refusing to bring the kids to you - honestly if he's being difficult (and you can), call out sick on Tuesday (don't tell him either way). Then, if he doesn't turn the children over, contact him and ask where they are and go pick them up. If the kids are at his girl friend's house (not his), the police can and will enforce the court order and require her to turn them over and you can show custodial interference because they are interfering with your parenting time. That won't bode well for him in court but depending on how long you have til your hearing you could be setting yourself up for a weekly or biweekly struggle.
STBSingleMom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 21, 2016 at 7:09 AM
Depends on the officer. Legally, she has no claim to the children (even if they were married) so an officer should enforce time sharing. Likewise, even if your ex refused to turn the children over, the officer should be required to enforce the CO. Unfortunately, many officers don't like getting caught in custody battles and will tell you to take him to court for contempt. One officer once told me that I spent "$100,000 for a worthless piece of paper that only lawyers would enforce, at $350 an hour."

Quoting RadnRem: The temp CO says "father will drop of to mother on Tuesday at 8am" and it specifies that our pick up/drop off is to be done at the court house. Just in the parking lot outside of it...not inside or anything like that.

Since my work schedule changed, he agreed (not without vague threats and demands) to take our 9 yo to school then bring our 3 yo to my home where his niece babysits for me.

There is no ROFR specified in the temp order. But there is NO way he will not go to work on Tuesday. He has inventory and schedule deadlines to meet every Tuesday. Tuesday is the one day I know he won't call in (he never calls in regardless, but I'm 100% confident about Tuesday's)

Child care providers don't have to be agreed upon. I do not think that one would work well for us. I would face huge issues with him trying to be controlling and it would essentially result in the type of issue I'm having now.

He and his gf live together. Do you think that will make a difference with this issue?


Quoting STBSingleMom: Does the CO say anything about who can do pick ups and drop offs? Or does it just say that he's supposed to take children to mother on Tuesday? And read the language carefully - does Mother imply you or your residence?

Also - how is ROFR handled? He can't refuse your childcare provider and then leave the kids with one on his end - but he could stay home Tuesday to prove a point if he has it (you weren't watching them so I exercised my right of first refusal and kept them). Are child care providers required to be mutually agreed upon? I demanded that provision in my CO.

As for refusing to bring the kids to you - honestly if he's being difficult (and you can), call out sick on Tuesday (don't tell him either way). Then, if he doesn't turn the children over, contact him and ask where they are and go pick them up. If the kids are at his girl friend's house (not his), the police can and will enforce the court order and require her to turn them over and you can show custodial interference because they are interfering with your parenting time. That won't bode well for him in court but depending on how long you have til your hearing you could be setting yourself up for a weekly or biweekly struggle.
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