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First Fathers day with the Ex please advise!!!!!!

Posted by on Jun. 17, 2017 at 2:42 PM
  • 10 Replies

Ok ladies,

so my sons are 15 and 18...STBX wants them for Fathers Day...I am totally on board with that...here is my question. My sons have no cash for a gift...This past mothers day they went to the store on there own and got me a card and a couple candy bars WITH LUNCH MONEY THEY SAVED..(we were fighting but I had not decided on divorce)MY STBX bought me one of those bamboo plants they sell at the grocery store..I don't have money to spare since my STBX has cut me off from credit cards and the $1000 he gives me a month he threatens to stop if I don't cook and do his laundry.(yeah he is a tool currently) My sons couldn't care less about spending the day with him. I have never had much money at my disposal so Fathers day was always a wonderful meal and cookies(he loves cookies) and a card and us hanging out...I am not going to cook obviously but should I give the kids money for a card? should I talk with them about enjoying the time with their dad...???


Should I just step back?? I don't want to be a bitch STBX will look at it this way..he will say he bought me a plant and I just ignored his day...

I am dealing with a gaslighting,Narcissist, and I am trying to avoid drama until he gets served and we actually start the battle...LOL


Thanks Ladies

by on Jun. 17, 2017 at 2:42 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jun. 17, 2017 at 4:35 PM

Grocery store bamboo.  Gee whiz!  What a generous guy!

Your oldest son is an adult.  Your youngest is well aware of holidays and can do or not do whatever he chooses.  He may not have a job, but there are other ways to give a gift without money.  I can remember giving my mom IOUs for cooking dinner or cleaning my closet or some other dreaded chore for Mother's Day and her birthday.  It's the thought that counts, right?

No cookies, no nice dinner.  He may as well get used to life without all the things you used to do and that he took for granted.

FYI, there's no avoiding drama with a gaslighting narc, lol!  All we can do is control how we react to them.  You are very fortunate that your kids are the ages they are.  You will only have to put up with the custody aspects for a couple more years.  

Have you thought about what you want for a parenting agreement?  Have you discussed visitation with your boys?  I think at his age it will be possible to have it at his (the youngest) discretion.  The eighteen year old is a non-issue.

Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2017 at 7:58 AM

so... give them money to buy a card and buy a cookie. 


x4daughtersx
by Member on Jun. 18, 2017 at 8:43 AM
Your boys can get a Father's Day card at a Dollar store for descent price. Have them make cookies for their dad and cook dinner...
MommaG47
by Member on Jun. 18, 2017 at 1:58 PM
2 moms liked this

I like having the boys make dinner & cookies.

I didn't get my ex a gift or make sure that my kids got him one. He rarely made that effort for me in the 17 years we were together. I did however make sure that my youngest asked him to take her to her out of town swim meet this weekend so they could spend today together. I also offered to keep his dog at my house for the day so my ex wouldn't be using the dog needing to be let out as a reason to cut their day short like he usually does. 

Quoting x4daughtersx: Your boys can get a Father's Day card at a Dollar store for descent price. Have them make cookies for their dad and cook dinner...


katfeemom
by Member on Jun. 20, 2017 at 11:11 PM

UGH.. It's these non-holiday holidays that always irritate me.  This year Mother's Day happened to fall on what was (by the court count) his weekend.  I'll ignore the fact that he has ignored more of his weekends than he has taken.  So he demanded to have the kids on that weekend so that they could celebrate Mother's Day with him and his new wife and her family.  It's not like the woman even likes my kids.  She hasn't adopted them, she barely aknowledges their existence.  She is the type of woman who plans things (that my X pay for, of course) that include her kids (she has 3, all are older than my kids, I have 2 my oldest is 18, the younger one is 15) but she always makes sure that when my kids are there, nothing is going on.  And forbid that they take all 5 of the kids anywhere, THAT would be way too $$$$.

Father's day this year, my kids went to thier dad's.  Stayed about an hour,  Then came home to go to brunch with me.

Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Jun. 21, 2017 at 5:14 AM
1 mom liked this

so, what did you end up doing?

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jun. 21, 2017 at 8:27 AM

This is a little confusing...the "she hasn't adopted them" part, at least.  Are you willing to relinquish your rights to them?  Because that would have to happen before she could adopt them

Your kids...the oldest is now an adult and no longer is impacted by the court order.  Visiting your ex is completely voluntary at that age.  And the 15 year old also has a voice at this point and can always refuse.  The police can't get involved in civil matters and would tell your ex to file contempt charges if he has a problem, but they would not make the child go.  Even if your ex filed contempt charges against you it is very likely that the judge would take the child's feelings into consideration.  It's hard to force a fully grown person into doing someone they don't want to do.

I agree with your irritation at the holiday disruptions.  They are not worth the drama that seems to always accompany them.  I honestly wish there were NO holiday changes.  It would, imo, be better to just figure if a holiday lands on your time in the normal visitation schedule then good deal, but if it does not then does it really matter?  For me, when ex has DS for a holiday we just work around it and celebrate it (if it is one worth celebrating) at a time when I do have DS.  

Quoting katfeemom:

UGH.. It's these non-holiday holidays that always irritate me.  This year Mother's Day happened to fall on what was (by the court count) his weekend.  I'll ignore the fact that he has ignored more of his weekends than he has taken.  So he demanded to have the kids on that weekend so that they could celebrate Mother's Day with him and his new wife and her family.  It's not like the woman even likes my kids.  She hasn't adopted them, she barely aknowledges their existence.  She is the type of woman who plans things (that my X pay for, of course) that include her kids (she has 3, all are older than my kids, I have 2 my oldest is 18, the younger one is 15) but she always makes sure that when my kids are there, nothing is going on.  And forbid that they take all 5 of the kids anywhere, THAT would be way too $$$$.

Father's day this year, my kids went to thier dad's.  Stayed about an hour,  Then came home to go to brunch with me.


cie
by Member on Jun. 21, 2017 at 11:15 PM


Quoting Fayanne:

so, what did you end up doing?

He ended up getting invited to his parents for brunch.. my kids were not happy about getting up at 8 am but they did it...while he was gone I texted him "Happy Father's Day" he of course did not tell me happy Mother's Day but after a few days made sure I knew he had bought me the plant from the supper market...lol....it was kinda sad,,but I did realize how we always did a THING for Father's Day and my Mother's Day well let me be frank that grocery store plant was the first gift for Mother's Day he ever got me....


It worked out well in the end..

goldpandora
by Bronze Member on Jun. 22, 2017 at 2:45 AM

I wondered aboiut that word too but I think she meant "adopted" in the sense that she hasn't accepted them as part of the family rather than in the legal sense. She considers them to be total outsiders and treats them as such.

Quoting tottaxi:

This is a little confusing...the "she hasn't adopted them" part, at least.  Are you willing to relinquish your rights to them?  Because that would have to happen before she could adopt them

Your kids...the oldest is now an adult and no longer is impacted by the court order.  Visiting your ex is completely voluntary at that age.  And the 15 year old also has a voice at this point and can always refuse.  The police can't get involved in civil matters and would tell your ex to file contempt charges if he has a problem, but they would not make the child go.  Even if your ex filed contempt charges against you it is very likely that the judge would take the child's feelings into consideration.  It's hard to force a fully grown person into doing someone they don't want to do.

I agree with your irritation at the holiday disruptions.  They are not worth the drama that seems to always accompany them.  I honestly wish there were NO holiday changes.  It would, imo, be better to just figure if a holiday lands on your time in the normal visitation schedule then good deal, but if it does not then does it really matter?  For me, when ex has DS for a holiday we just work around it and celebrate it (if it is one worth celebrating) at a time when I do have DS.  

Quoting katfeemom:

UGH.. It's these non-holiday holidays that always irritate me.  This year Mother's Day happened to fall on what was (by the court count) his weekend.  I'll ignore the fact that he has ignored more of his weekends than he has taken.  So he demanded to have the kids on that weekend so that they could celebrate Mother's Day with him and his new wife and her family.  It's not like the woman even likes my kids.  She hasn't adopted them, she barely aknowledges their existence.  She is the type of woman who plans things (that my X pay for, of course) that include her kids (she has 3, all are older than my kids, I have 2 my oldest is 18, the younger one is 15) but she always makes sure that when my kids are there, nothing is going on.  And forbid that they take all 5 of the kids anywhere, THAT would be way too $$$$.

Father's day this year, my kids went to thier dad's.  Stayed about an hour,  Then came home to go to brunch with me.



tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Jun. 22, 2017 at 8:40 AM
1 mom liked this

That may very well be the case, but my rule of thumb is never assume.

Quoting goldpandora:

I wondered aboiut that word too but I think she meant "adopted" in the sense that she hasn't accepted them as part of the family rather than in the legal sense. She considers them to be total outsiders and treats them as such.

Quoting tottaxi:

This is a little confusing...the "she hasn't adopted them" part, at least.  Are you willing to relinquish your rights to them?  Because that would have to happen before she could adopt them

Your kids...the oldest is now an adult and no longer is impacted by the court order.  Visiting your ex is completely voluntary at that age.  And the 15 year old also has a voice at this point and can always refuse.  The police can't get involved in civil matters and would tell your ex to file contempt charges if he has a problem, but they would not make the child go.  Even if your ex filed contempt charges against you it is very likely that the judge would take the child's feelings into consideration.  It's hard to force a fully grown person into doing someone they don't want to do.

I agree with your irritation at the holiday disruptions.  They are not worth the drama that seems to always accompany them.  I honestly wish there were NO holiday changes.  It would, imo, be better to just figure if a holiday lands on your time in the normal visitation schedule then good deal, but if it does not then does it really matter?  For me, when ex has DS for a holiday we just work around it and celebrate it (if it is one worth celebrating) at a time when I do have DS.  

Quoting katfeemom:

UGH.. It's these non-holiday holidays that always irritate me.  This year Mother's Day happened to fall on what was (by the court count) his weekend.  I'll ignore the fact that he has ignored more of his weekends than he has taken.  So he demanded to have the kids on that weekend so that they could celebrate Mother's Day with him and his new wife and her family.  It's not like the woman even likes my kids.  She hasn't adopted them, she barely aknowledges their existence.  She is the type of woman who plans things (that my X pay for, of course) that include her kids (she has 3, all are older than my kids, I have 2 my oldest is 18, the younger one is 15) but she always makes sure that when my kids are there, nothing is going on.  And forbid that they take all 5 of the kids anywhere, THAT would be way too $$$$.

Father's day this year, my kids went to thier dad's.  Stayed about an hour,  Then came home to go to brunch with me.




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