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Well.. I made the decision or he did for me

Posted by on Aug. 8, 2017 at 11:36 AM
  • 3 Replies
Hello ladies. I have not been on here for a while because we were having troubles and then when we were working on them for a while. Needless to say it did not work. And I will try to make this short I promise but I really need some advice so it might be a little bit longer than short.

I do the research on what is a bad marriage and all of that. I think we fit every description. I stay at home with my kids and I am disabled so I cannot work, at least at this moment. I know people hate Mondays but I look forward to them because Monday through Friday I don't have to see him and till he walks through the door. And when he walks through the door my mood goes from good to awful. I walk on eggshells around him all the time and every little thing that I used to think was cute annoys the living hell out of me.

Like I said I do have disabilities and part of that is having spinal surgeries and chronic pain from that and so I do get migraines pretty often. I get blamed for having them when we have plans and I have to cancel. He has become extremely controlling, manipulative, emotionally and mentally abusive. And there is some sexual deviation in there as well but I don't really going to bad. But now nothing like rape.

The final straw was the other day when I had a headache and was on my massage mat upstairs in the bedroom and he came in and asked me how I am going to get through a week of vacation to go see my father with my kids if I have a migraine what am I going to do? It wasn't a concerned how are we going to deal with this, it was an accusatory tone that made me feel like I was a child like he always does. I said I would deal with it if it came up. And then he went on and on. Of course it ended up in an argument to where we just went around and around with every issue that we have and how to talk about every time we have a blowout.

He was getting extremely pissed and one of the kids knocked on the door and he opened it really fast and said what in a monstrous way. And he does that with the kids because he doesn't care because we are fighting. He doesn't think it'll affect them whatsoever. My daughter stood there and backed away really quick and said nothing I'll ask you later and walked away she was scared, she's 13 years old. I got on him about that and have done so every single time he does something like that but then obviously I'm calling him a bad father and I have to hear about that for 20 minutes.

Well we are going out there to see my father because he almost died twice in a month and was in the hospital and he 74 and it's not going to be around much longer. He wants to see his daughter and his grandchild. He was not the best father growing up, he was an alcoholic and extremely violent and abusive. But I have forgave him and he has changed a lot and loves us very much. He paid for the plane tickets out there.

My husband after I stated that this marriage was pretty much depleted got angry and said a whole bunch of threatening things from he will go on front of a judge the next day to make it to where the kids cannot go on the trip. The kids are so excited about going. Then he said that he could definitely get full custody and change around his work schedule even though I am the prime caregiver with carpool and homework and doctors appointments and all of that. But I know he's going to turn the health issues around and use them to where I am just useless. I brought that up and he did not say that would not happen.

He also said that he is going to go in there and tell the kids that we are done. I told him that was not going to happen because we were about to leave for vacation and they were truly excited and they are about to start school so we are going to let them have their last moment of summer as a happy one. He said he did not care because they needed to know so they could start dealing with it.
He does that all the time and he truly does not care about the kid factor. I could go and details about that one as well but of course she was trying to get back at me. I told him that we were going to tell them as a united front and he said that they were his kids he can do what he wanted. So anyway he was just trying to be a douche bag and he is a douche bag and he is on his way to become extremely psychotic. He threatened me for about an hour and brought things up from 18 years ago and was slamming in my face like I haven't heard it for 18 years and it was just such a circus. I was calm and just told him exactly what I thought and now I guess when I get back from seeing my father we are going to start with the mediator and if that doesn't work we have to each find a lawyer.

So I guess the couple of questions that I have is.

1. He's threatening to kick me out of the house because he pays the bills and I won't be able to handle it and the kids will be staying in the house because it's their home. I obviously can't work and he's throwing it in my face so he doesn't know how I am going to make it. I live in Colorado and I guess I won't be looking this up I'll be asleep but can he do that? Plus we had to go bankrupt because of his company three years ago so we both have that underneath our belt. He just got a job to where we are finally going to get back up on our feet.

2. I really don't know what other questions to help ask nowl that I stated some of what's been happening around here. But any advice would be very much welcomed. Of course I'm scared and I'm anxious and all of that just like all of you ladies. And I apologize for this being so extremely long. Thank you for reading! !!
by on Aug. 8, 2017 at 11:36 AM
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Replies (1-3):
heatherrulz
by Member on Aug. 8, 2017 at 11:38 AM
Again!!!! Sorry so long!!!!!
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Aug. 8, 2017 at 5:01 PM
1 mom liked this

Wow.  What a guy.  

I guess I'll hit the issues that you are probably most concerned with at this point.  I did a very brief search on Colorado divorce and custody laws.  You should begin there.

It appears that Colorado does allow you to seek sole custody and if I were you that is what I would do.  Don't go into this being willing to have joint or shared custody and then getting halfway through the process and realize that is going to be miserable and try to change course to sole at that point.  You need to know what is going to be best for you and your children from the beginning.  It will indicate that you have given this a great deal of thought and are acting in their best interests.

It also appears that in Colorado children have a bit of a vote as to what parent they will reside with.  If your children are 12 and older then they will have some input, although the court will have the final say on that.

Your home.  Do  you own it?  If so, then unless you can manage to refinance the home in your name (and with the recent bankruptcy that sounds unlikely) the the best solution would be to sell the home and split the equity.  Take that money and use that to get a place you can afford.

Your marriage is considered "long" by court standards and so you may be able to receive maintenance/alimony.  The children will  receive child support.  While maintenance and child support may be court ordered, they are not guaranteed, so you will need to figure out a way to support yourself and your children.  I don't know the limits of you disabilities, but you need to explore the work options available to you.  Do you receive disability?  If so, you may be eligible for other government assistance such as housing and food stamps.  

He can't take them away from you.  Unless your disability makes you incapable of caring for them, which from what you shared it does not, then his being the breadwinner doesn't meant that he will receive custody.

He does seem like the sort of guy that will not do well in mediation and will probably do divorce and custody in a sort of "scorched earth" fashion.  He will try to destroy you.  It's scary, but not uncommon.  For that reason you need to do a lot of reading and know your rights and the laws of Colorado.  You need to consult with several attorneys (free consultations) after you have done your homework so that you can be knowledgable enough to ask pertinent questions.

Download the forms and go through them so that you will know what you are going to be facing.  Talk with these attorneys to determine your options.  If you find one that you can relate to and who will try to achieve what you want as a final outcome then hire them.  Put the retainer and a bit more on a credit card.  Do all of this without your husband being aware of what you are doing.

Once you have done some more studying then feel free to ask us any questions and we will give you information based on our own personal experiences.

One thing...you aren't going to be able to prevent him from being an asshole with your children.  Don't try to protect them from his telling them about the divorce.  He's going to try to damage their opinion of you.  In the end he will end up looking like the bad guy if he does that.  You can't control his behavior.  You can only control your own.  So you just be yourself and talk with your children honestly.

It does sound as though you and your kids could benefit from some counseling.  You could start that right away to help you all through this process.

One thing, though, do no not change your mind.  This man is toxic.  He may rant and rave and I am sure he has done that many times in the past, but do NOT "forgive" his behavior and stay with him so that it can happen again and again.  Having an abusive father impacts your whole life (as you know from  your own experience) and your kids don't need to have him as their role model so that they end up marrying someone equally as toxic.  You know how well that works out.

Go see your dad.  He can try to stop you, but it will be impossible so don't worry about that.   Talk with your dad.  Maybe he can support you through this rough time.  It sounds as though he owes you that much.

heatherrulz
by Member on Aug. 11, 2017 at 10:42 AM
Wow, what help you are! I enjoyed reading that, very good advice. I'm out of town seeing my Dad but will answer your questions when I get back. Thank you so much sweetie! 😍

Quoting tottaxi:

Wow.  What a guy.  

I guess I'll hit the issues that you are probably most concerned with at this point.  I did a very brief search on Colorado divorce and custody laws.  You should begin there.

It appears that Colorado does allow you to seek sole custody and if I were you that is what I would do.  Don't go into this being willing to have joint or shared custody and then getting halfway through the process and realize that is going to be miserable and try to change course to sole at that point.  You need to know what is going to be best for you and your children from the beginning.  It will indicate that you have given this a great deal of thought and are acting in their best interests.

It also appears that in Colorado children have a bit of a vote as to what parent they will reside with.  If your children are 12 and older then they will have some input, although the court will have the final say on that.

Your home.  Do  you own it?  If so, then unless you can manage to refinance the home in your name (and with the recent bankruptcy that sounds unlikely) the the best solution would be to sell the home and split the equity.  Take that money and use that to get a place you can afford.

Your marriage is considered "long" by court standards and so you may be able to receive maintenance/alimony.  The children will  receive child support.  While maintenance and child support may be court ordered, they are not guaranteed, so you will need to figure out a way to support yourself and your children.  I don't know the limits of you disabilities, but you need to explore the work options available to you.  Do you receive disability?  If so, you may be eligible for other government assistance such as housing and food stamps.  

He can't take them away from you.  Unless your disability makes you incapable of caring for them, which from what you shared it does not, then his being the breadwinner doesn't meant that he will receive custody.

He does seem like the sort of guy that will not do well in mediation and will probably do divorce and custody in a sort of "scorched earth" fashion.  He will try to destroy you.  It's scary, but not uncommon.  For that reason you need to do a lot of reading and know your rights and the laws of Colorado.  You need to consult with several attorneys (free consultations) after you have done your homework so that you can be knowledgable enough to ask pertinent questions.

Download the forms and go through them so that you will know what you are going to be facing.  Talk with these attorneys to determine your options.  If you find one that you can relate to and who will try to achieve what you want as a final outcome then hire them.  Put the retainer and a bit more on a credit card.  Do all of this without your husband being aware of what you are doing.

Once you have done some more studying then feel free to ask us any questions and we will give you information based on our own personal experiences.

One thing...you aren't going to be able to prevent him from being an asshole with your children.  Don't try to protect them from his telling them about the divorce.  He's going to try to damage their opinion of you.  In the end he will end up looking like the bad guy if he does that.  You can't control his behavior.  You can only control your own.  So you just be yourself and talk with your children honestly.

It does sound as though you and your kids could benefit from some counseling.  You could start that right away to help you all through this process.

One thing, though, do no not change your mind.  This man is toxic.  He may rant and rave and I am sure he has done that many times in the past, but do NOT "forgive" his behavior and stay with him so that it can happen again and again.  Having an abusive father impacts your whole life (as you know from  your own experience) and your kids don't need to have him as their role model so that they end up marrying someone equally as toxic.  You know how well that works out.

Go see your dad.  He can try to stop you, but it will be impossible so don't worry about that.   Talk with your dad.  Maybe he can support you through this rough time.  It sounds as though he owes you that much.

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