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I still loved him

Posted by on Dec. 28, 2017 at 11:34 PM
  • 9 Replies

I have not been very active on CM as of late because my ex-dh and DS were recently in a car accident. Ex-dh didn't make it. We received the official divorce in April of this year after a 13 year marriage. He passed in October.

The hard part in all of this is that I really did still love him. While the divorce was necessary, it was not because we didn't love each other. It was because we had grown in directions that tore us apart. We were just rebuilding the friendship when all of this happened. Romantically we had both moved on. But that doesn't mean we had stopped caring for each other. 

I was wondering if anyone here had been through a similiar experience. How do you work through the extreme grief of something like this? Not to meantion the two children left without a father now.

Our DS has been through so much just to survive. He spent two and a half months in the PICU. He's there again now. Our DD was just rebuilding the relationship with her father. It was so broken for so long, and he was finally taking the right steps to fix it. 

I feel like there are so many pieces that are shattered and broken beyond repair. It leaves me wondering where to even start. 

by on Dec. 28, 2017 at 11:34 PM
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by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2017 at 8:27 AM

oh, hugs. I can't imagine.

 I can't even think of someone who has been through anything similar.

All I can suggest is perhaps finding a grief counselor.

Best wishes to your dd and prayers for healing to your ds.

by Battle Weary on Dec. 29, 2017 at 8:49 AM

Sorry for your loss.

With your son still in the hospital, you are under tremendous stress.  It's natural that you are thinking about the "what ifs" regarding your ex husband.  That happens in any divorce situation. Whether it is something as final as death or just in the process of re-establishing ourselves as singles we all have times where we spend time going over old ground.  Hopefully, we learn from our past mistakes, recognize the red flags, and apply our knowledge to future events.

You are going to have periods of this and also the grief you feel at his passing for a long time.  During times of stress these are going to be more difficult to deal with than it is when you are feeling stronger and less vulnerable.

At this point just focus on your children and maintaining your own emotional health.  Be grateful that the divorce and been completed and that you and he had already begun moving on.  You had at least had some months apart before you had to deal with his death.

I hope your son is better soon.  Your children need you to be strong for them in order to assure them that they are safe and in good hands.  Help them to express their feelings regarding their dad, but don't build him into a saint.  They need to remember the good and the bad and see him realistically.

Time does help to heal.  It doesn't erase, but we learn to work through the grief in bits and pieces.

by Member on Dec. 29, 2017 at 8:17 PM
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Wow. I’m sorry for your loss but be very thankful your child is alive
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2018 at 11:49 AM

I feel for you, a sudden death of someone so close is the WORST, please get to a grief group or counselor, oftentimes a group is better for this if you are otherwise mentally healthy, hugs! 

by Silver Member on Jan. 3, 2018 at 10:21 AM
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I Am so sorry for your loss.  I believe that’s with any long term relationship , no matter how fractured and broken, we will all grieve, whether it be loss of dreams, answers or unfulfilled/unrevealed feelings.  It is important that you reveal those emotions to him, whether in a letter, a balloon you release, a speech to the moon, whatever.  Also take the time to review your life story with him, revise the story to one that gives you what you need out of this relationship.  Perhaps my creating a picture book or video for the kkds.  This is called narrative therapy and is very useful when dealing with loss. 

by New Member on Jan. 8, 2018 at 6:06 PM

Thank you all for your support. I'm rather hit or miss on here due to long hospital hours and trying to reestablish my life in a new town far from the support system I've grown to know and love over the last year. 

You all offer such valuable insight. On top of the above, I'm also having to deal with the ex-in laws who helped to destroy my marriage to start with. They took everything from exDH's place including my children's possessions that were there even though they had no legal right as everything belongs to the kids. 

I finally told DD what happened to her father's things. She's 11. She's pissed. She already didn't want to talk to them because of how they always treated her. Now she really doesn't want anything to do with them. 

by Battle Weary on Jan. 9, 2018 at 7:10 AM

The upside is that their possessions are just "stuff" and replaceable.  The best thing that could have happened is that these ex inlaws have revealed themselves to the kids so that you don't have to. And now there is NO reason these people to intrude upon your lives.

by Member on Jan. 10, 2018 at 10:53 AM

I'm sorry. Hugs to you and your babies. 

by Member on Jan. 10, 2018 at 7:23 PM
I’m so sorry.
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