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Should she come with gifts? *Update in red

Posted by on Dec. 29, 2017 at 11:54 AM
  • 9 Replies

My oldest will be reintroduced to her biological father this weekend at his family's Christmas gathering. Going with his family is not unusual because we still kept in touch and I have brought her to his family's house over the years. Her bio dad has decided he does want to see her....its been 8 years since she saw him last. She has seen him for a total of 7 hours in a year between 5-6 years old and then prior to that, she was 1.5 years old.

He has supervised visitation but never acted on it because he said I made it "nearly impossible" yet he hasn't called or even sent her birthday cards. Whatever.

Anyway, I talked to her and she wants to meet him. She will also be introduced to her two half siblings (ages 7 and 3, I believe).

My question....should she come with gifts? If so, who? What?

I'm thinking something for the grandparents....not sure what since I really don't know what they would want. I'm also thinking her half siblings.

I don't know....what do you think? Suggestions?


So, I decided to do a little collage from Walmart for his parents...it's been awhile since they had updated pictures of her.  It was cheap.  I ended up buying fuzzy socks and a holiday fleece blanket for her half-siblings.  I didn't end up getting cookies because she had a game the night before and we didn't have time. 

We met for coffee at Starbucks for about an hour....just her, me and him.  I think I was more nervous than her.  She doesn't get too nervous about things anyway.  He came in and gave her a hug and he actually gave me a hug...which I wasn't expecting.  We talked and it was good.  She talked about her soccer and softball and we were updating the other about each of our families.  It was pretty surface level conversation but good. 

I drove over to his parents house and everyone hugged both of us, as normal.  Even his brother/sisters' kids know me well and hugged/joked around with me.  I met his wife and his kids.....the wife and daughter (7 years old) were very quiet.  She shook my hand and quietly walked into the other room.  I don't think she even said a word.  I left about 15-20 minutes later and went out to a late lunch with some friends I haven't seen in a long time.  I just checked in with her and she is doing fine....they are just about to open up presents. 

My ex was being cool.....but I will never trust him.  There is no excuse for not seeing or talking to your child for this long. This will be a huge learning lesson for my daughter.  We'll have a talk another day about this.  I'm sure she is doing okay talking with him but I do also want her to remember that he chose not to be there.  I don't want her to hate him.....but do remember people's actions/inactions.  He missed all of her birthdays except the first 2. 

by on Dec. 29, 2017 at 11:54 AM
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Replies (1-9):
goldpandora
by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2017 at 12:04 PM

I'd make it fairly impersonal. I'm thinking along the lines of flowers,  chocolates, that kind of thing. Maybe a cute t-shirt for the half siblings. A gift is a nice gesture but you don't want it to be interpreted as over-eagerness either.

M4LG5
by Silver Member on Dec. 29, 2017 at 12:11 PM
That's what my sister said too. She suggested fuzzy socks and a small game (under $5) for the kids.

I'm still trying to figure out what to get the grandparents. She does see them a few times a year


Quoting goldpandora:

I'd make it fairly impersonal. I'm thinking along the lines of flowers,  chocolates, that kind of thing. Maybe a cute t-shirt for the half siblings. A gift is a nice gesture but you don't want it to be interpreted as over-eagerness either.

TheMommyTaxi
by on Dec. 29, 2017 at 2:10 PM

I like the flowers idea or cookies?  Maybe a fruit bouquet?  Something edible, that everyone can share. Maybe make some chocolate chip ones for everyone? 

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 29, 2017 at 3:26 PM
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I would bring something to share...cookies probably...and give it to the grandparents.  Nothing for these half siblings.  She doesn't know them and it would be awkward.

I feel for your daughter.  Having a reunion with her dad and meeting her replacements in front of an audience will suck. I get that she has a curiousity in regards to them, but I don't think she has enough life experience to be prepared for how this could turn into a real shit show.  Prepare for the worst.  Hope for the best.  Have an exit plan prepared before you walk in the door.

M4LG5
by Silver Member on Dec. 29, 2017 at 3:51 PM
One of my conditions is that we meet together (me, her, him ONLY) before the gathering and that there is no rush to get through this meeting to get to his parents house.

She is very mature and, I believe, she will handle things well and probably rely on the connection she has with his family to help her through it. She has an ongoing, pretty amusing, smack-talking fued with her uncle (Funcle - fun uncle- kind of guy) and that will be good to have that too.


Quoting tottaxi:

I would bring something to share...cookies probably...and give it to the grandparents.  Nothing for these half siblings.  She doesn't know them and it would be awkward.

I feel for your daughter.  Having a reunion with her dad and meeting her replacements in front of an audience will suck. I get that she has a curiousity in regards to them, but I don't think she has enough life experience to be prepared for how this could turn into a real shit show.  Prepare for the worst.  Hope for the best.  Have an exit plan prepared before you walk in the door.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 29, 2017 at 4:19 PM

Make sure he has on a name tag so that you can recognize him ;)

M4LG5
by Silver Member on Dec. 29, 2017 at 4:22 PM
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Hahahaha!!!! That's funny.


Quoting tottaxi:

Make sure he has on a name tag so that you can recognize him ;)

Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2017 at 2:50 PM

I'd send a plate of cookies she's made, and that's it

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 30, 2017 at 5:59 PM

Has it happened yet?  How did it go?

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