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my Narc husband knows I have an attorney and he is trying to push my bottons

Posted by on Dec. 29, 2017 at 9:58 PM
  • 11 Replies

STBX just found out today I have hired an attorney . I am filling out paperwork to get back to her. So he knows I hired one and of course hit so many buttons in about 15 minutes I actually lost count. His narc ways came out in full force started with how I am ruining the lives of our kids to how he regrets being nice to me on Christmas because obviously I did not appreciate it..WTF.??!!  I responded to a couple remarks then caught myself and told him I have been advised to not engage in talks with him unless it's about the kids and he should probably text me..He is scrambling God I can feel the stress ..He asked me to leave our home.he wants the house and the kids...I just ignored him and left the room. I told him if a judge orders me to go I will.  So he leaves and comes back later with this smirk on his face..like he has some great inside information..it's California I don't think the court cares about a smear campaign it's a no fault state and there is nothing on me anyway...but you know how they lie...sure hope I don't have to go down that road...

He says he will write up a proposal for me and if I fight him on it it will be war..oh yeah he also has my former therapist writing up a stress release for him to be off work for a couple weeks to a month...I feel like going to see her and setting her straight on a few facts but not sure if that's even worth it..any advise is much appreciated 


by on Dec. 29, 2017 at 9:58 PM
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niceandhappy
by Member on Dec. 29, 2017 at 10:57 PM
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I also divorced a narcissist. Don't believe a word he says! Make sure your lawyer is well versed in narcissistic behavior. Communicating via text or email only (documentation) is good advice. The stuff they will try to pull will drive you almost crazy...especially when children are involved. totaxi (poster) is a wealth of knowledge. Ignore his "proposal", and don't agree to anything. Be prepared for a long battle. They don't like losing and he will try to wear you down. Stand firm! Good luck

cie
by Member on Dec. 30, 2017 at 12:11 AM
1 mom liked this

My attorney has 24 years experience and specializes in domestic violence cases so she has his character traits down..I am sure he will stoop to new levels of cruel ..but I do hope that after almost 20 years of marriage the court just rules and we are done

goldpandora
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2017 at 2:29 AM
1 mom liked this

Do  not contact your former therapist. Nothing good will come of it. He's only made an appointment, he has nothing else. 

At this point you should stop all contact with him other than via email or text. You have to preserve your sanity. 

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 30, 2017 at 10:08 AM

Ha!  Now most of the women who come to this forum AVOID getting any sort of therapy or meds or anything that might help with the stress of divorce because they are afraid it will show instability in a court of law.  Our general thought would be that if we can't handle even the thought of divorce without missing work and getting counseling or a drug then how in the hell could a court think we are capable of raising children on our own?  Funny that his knee jerk reaction is to appear to fall apart.  That is for public consumption...not for the judge.  What a Dumbass.  He's not thinking.  He's just striking out because you dared to disobey.

In the past he has immediately fallen into victim mode.  It's what they do.  Just ignore it.  Just ignore the smear campaign he will wage against you. The people who know you aren't going to give it any weight.  There are too many people who are dealing with narcs today to be easily influenced by their stunts.  All he will achieve is outing himself as the asshole that he is.  There will be a lot of people who will be thinking "Finally!  Why didn't she dump this cheating asshole years ago!"

I'm so glad you are moving forward.  Get that paperwork done and file.  And do NOT leave the home until you are ordered to do so.  Google Gray Rock method and use that to deal with him.  I'm so happy that you caught yourself in time and stopped engaging.  ALWAYS think before responding.  Keep it simple.  Leave out the emotion.  Do not discuss any terms with him at all.  This will be done through the legal process and through  your attorneys.  Saying anything outside of the court room will hurt, not help.

Your kids are old enough to have a voice.  Narcs always threaten to take the children.  Not happening.  You'll be treated fairly by the court and both given appropriate visitation.

DOCUMENT.  EVERYTHING.

Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2017 at 2:58 PM

ignore, ignore, ignore.

don't sign any 'proposals' an attorney hasn't read

and don't going running to the therapist to tattle.

and, you can request your attorney file for exclusive use of the marital residence, and get him to move out.

do not leave unless it is formally required by the courts


cie
by Member on Dec. 30, 2017 at 3:39 PM
Thank you for that.. I am navigating all this trying to do the exact opposite I would normally do.. which is hard as Hell especially on days like today where I wake up to find only $25 has been put in my account instead of $500 and he has removed me from2 accounts ( no big deal there there was only $1.04 combined)
I am sure he would like to tell me it’s to cover the visa bill I charged to bring my mom home from the hospital or to start paying the Amex I used without permission to hire my attorney..gonna get that grey rock book..and sound like “give him enough rope” by the way the therapist was a dom that’s how she put herself through graduate school no wonder for years to her this behavior is normal!!! Shit I wish i knew

Quoting tottaxi:

Ha!  Now most of the women who come to this forum AVOID getting any sort of therapy or meds or anything that might help with the stress of divorce because they are afraid it will show instability in a court of law.  Our general thought would be that if we can't handle even the thought of divorce without missing work and getting counseling or a drug then how in the hell could a court think we are capable of raising children on our own?  Funny that his knee jerk reaction is to appear to fall apart.  That is for public consumption...not for the judge.  What a Dumbass.  He's not thinking.  He's just striking out because you dared to disobey.

In the past he has immediately fallen into victim mode.  It's what they do.  Just ignore it.  Just ignore the smear campaign he will wage against you. The people who know you aren't going to give it any weight.  There are too many people who are dealing with narcs today to be easily influenced by their stunts.  All he will achieve is outing himself as the asshole that he is.  There will be a lot of people who will be thinking "Finally!  Why didn't she dump this cheating asshole years ago!"

I'm so glad you are moving forward.  Get that paperwork done and file.  And do NOT leave the home until you are ordered to do so.  Google Gray Rock method and use that to deal with him.  I'm so happy that you caught yourself in time and stopped engaging.  ALWAYS think before responding.  Keep it simple.  Leave out the emotion.  Do not discuss any terms with him at all.  This will be done through the legal process and through  your attorneys.  Saying anything outside of the court room will hurt, not help.

Your kids are old enough to have a voice.  Narcs always threaten to take the children.  Not happening.  You'll be treated fairly by the court and both given appropriate visitation.

DOCUMENT.  EVERYTHING.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 30, 2017 at 5:58 PM
1 mom liked this

Just Google Grey Rock.  There is alot of info online.

Do you have credit cards in your name only?  If not, apply for one now.

In the past when you have tried to move forward he has always been able to talk you out of it.  That's another good reason to not engage.

Years ago when I first started on cafemom there was a woman who was forced to stay in the home until the divorce was final.  If that should be the case with you, then do what she did.  She moved into a guest room and had locks put on the door.  She had three young sons and they managed to pretty much live separately from her husband for almost a year. Where there is a will there is a way.

Stay strong. 

Noobroob
by New Member on Jan. 9, 2018 at 8:21 PM
1 mom liked this
It took a while, but I successfully divorced my Narc. I received full custody and he has no contact or visitation. The stalking order of protection helped a ton, as well as relocating. Fast forward 7 months from the final decree......... I live in a new place and have wonderful friends, my kids are adjusting well, I met a man who is absolutely incredible and treats me like a queen, and the Narc? Still slamming me on the internet, trying to play the victim, and is over 10k behind in child support. I’m coming up on the one year “anniversary” of starting the divorce, and I have never been happier. Good luck to you!! You can do it! Stay strong, and think two steps ahead. A Narc is pretty easy to predict once you see them for what they are.
Goobergal
by Bronze Member on Jan. 10, 2018 at 10:48 AM
2 moms liked this

Don’t go running to right lawyer for everything.  People said this to me a lot. Um, his objective was Tom have me run thru the retainer.  Play it cool. Ignore.  I used to enjoy ignoring him and he’s went ape shit.  Best feeling ever.  Like playing chess and outmaneuvering him.  Key to divorcing and winning is not money, property or tangibles.  It’s winning custody, driving them more bat shit and keeping yourself sane and respond8ng with reason rather than emotion

alexsmommy51405
by Member on Jan. 10, 2018 at 10:52 AM

I also divorced a narc. It seemed like it was easier for me in some ways because he was also an alcoholic, had no job and was basically just a shitty person. He was in jail when my divorce was finalized. 

Document everything. That's really all I have to say. 

Ask your lawyers for everything you want. They'll get it for you. 

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