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Happy F-Ing New Year

Posted by on Dec. 31, 2017 at 9:08 PM
  • 15 Replies
Hi everyone. Been with him 33 years. Married for 22. I’ve put up with and forgiven so much shit over the years but this time he’s done something on my list of unforgivables.
Found numerous emails in his sent box seeking hook ups with skanks on Craig’s list. No idea how many he actually hooked up with . He seems to have deleted from his inbox but forgot about SENT
Our youngest turns 18 in May. She got a 16,000 a year scholarship to a great private college. We will have to refinance and take out loans for the rest. Husband and I always told the kids we would pay for their education and I don’t want them to lose out because of a divorce.
I would like to stay til we figure out the financing the college shit. He is the type to say, Well there’s no money for college now . Mommy wanted a divorce.
Just looking for advice and support. Can’t really talk to anyone IRL yet. I’m sitting in the bathroom crying right now and he’s knocking on the door wondering why. Seriously.
by on Dec. 31, 2017 at 9:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 31, 2017 at 9:35 PM
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We all have our deal breakers.  I totally agree with you that he crossed a line.  It has to be gut-wrenching to discover that sort of betrayal.

Don't let worry about paying for your daughter's education influence you.  Your daughter has a hefty scholarship and she can get student loans for the rest.  And you can help her pay for those when the time comes.  My mom paid for mine with no regrets.  She just wanted me to get an education and was afraid that I wouldn't if I was going to be bogged down with debt.  She finished paying for mine eight years after I graduated, so where there is a will there is a way for you to help her.

With such a long marriage you should qualify for maintenance/alimony.  But there are never guarantees that the court order will be honored, so be sure you protect yourself financially.  You need to get to the bank asap and take half of whatever is there...or more.  You can always pay back whatever the court doesn't feel you are entitled to.  Most husbands clear out the accounts and are never made to repay any of it, so don't hesitate.  A bird in the hand....

I know it is hard to think in those terms so soon, but it's etter to be safe than sorry. We can help you to figure out how to protect yourself and acting quickly is the best way to begin.

It may seem horrible now, but it will get better as you move forward.

woodswalker
by Member on Dec. 31, 2017 at 9:48 PM
Oh, thank you so much for your quick response. I feel so alone and so stupid right now. I don’t even know how to begin with filing and hiring a lawyer and where I’m gonna go. Oh and we just brought home a puppy 3 days ago.

Quoting tottaxi:

We all have our deal breakers.  I totally agree with you that he crossed a line.  It has to be gut-wrenching to discover that sort of betrayal.

Don't let worry about paying for your daughter's education influence you.  Your daughter has a hefty scholarship and she can get student loans for the rest.  And you can help her pay for those when the time comes.  My mom paid for mine with no regrets.  She just wanted me to get an education and was afraid that I wouldn't if I was going to be bogged down with debt.  She finished paying for mine eight years after I graduated, so where there is a will there is a way for you to help her.

With such a long marriage you should qualify for maintenance/alimony.  But there are never guarantees that the court order will be honored, so be sure you protect yourself financially.  You need to get to the bank asap and take half of whatever is there...or more.  You can always pay back whatever the court doesn't feel you are entitled to.  Most husbands clear out the accounts and are never made to repay any of it, so don't hesitate.  A bird in the hand....

I know it is hard to think in those terms so soon, but it's etter to be safe than sorry. We can help you to figure out how to protect yourself and acting quickly is the best way to begin.

It may seem horrible now, but it will get better as you move forward.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Dec. 31, 2017 at 10:15 PM

Well, for sure you want custody of that puppy!!!

Since your children are all adults there will not be a custody situation.  Possibly the only issue there would be the assurance that they stay on their current insurance program.  I'm not sure you will get anywhere with getting any orders regarding their education funds.

Other than his Craig's List sexcapades, you really haven't told us much about your husband so that we can get a good read on the type of personality you will be dealing with in the divorce.  Maybe you can give us a few details that will help us recognize what sort he is and compare that to our own experiences.  I've discovered that people fit into certain patterns that are pretty predictable.

Do you work?  Do you own your home?  Is there equity in the home?  Do you or your husband have retirement accounts?  Investments? A business?

M4LG5
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2017 at 10:23 PM
1 mom liked this
Once you are single, you don't have to report both for financial aid....just the one that "provides more financial support." That can be just you so there could be a chance she will get more financial aid.
woodswalker
by Member on Dec. 31, 2017 at 10:30 PM
His personality is a little complicated. He alternates between charming and funny and moody and emotionally abusive.
Counseling would never work because he would be the charming funny guy while there,and I would look like the crazy depressed wife.
I confronted him with the screenshots of some of his emails and then left the house. He’s begging me to come home and talk about it. He says he never actually hooked up with any of them. I honestly don’t even care. It’s the fact that he was seeking it and the content of the emails describing himself as sexually frustrated and in a loveless marriage.
We both work full time. Health insurance is through my work. We have a mortgage, lots of equity. If we sold tomorrow, we would profit about 100,000 after mortgage is paid. We each have retirement funds. There is a lot of credit card debt.

Quoting tottaxi:

Well, for sure you want custody of that puppy!!!

Since your children are all adults there will not be a custody situation.  Possibly the only issue there would be the assurance that they stay on their current insurance program.  I'm not sure you will get anywhere with getting any orders regarding their education funds.

Other than his Craig's List sexcapades, you really haven't told us much about your husband so that we can get a good read on the type of personality you will be dealing with in the divorce.  Maybe you can give us a few details that will help us recognize what sort he is and compare that to our own experiences.  I've discovered that people fit into certain patterns that are pretty predictable.

Do you work?  Do you own your home?  Is there equity in the home?  Do you or your husband have retirement accounts?  Investments? A business?

woodswalker
by Member on Dec. 31, 2017 at 10:52 PM
So we could update the fafsa once divorce is final, maybe?

Quoting M4LG5: Once you are single, you don't have to report both for financial aid....just the one that "provides more financial support." That can be just you so there could be a chance she will get more financial aid.
anonomomma
by Member on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:14 PM
Sometimes you can get college tuition out into a court order during divorce. It never hurts to ask for it. I am sorry you are going through this. I found out my husband was cheating when he had to tell me he got her pregnant. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. Gives yourself a minute to fall apart and then pull it back together. When it's all said and done let it all out again, if there is even anything left to let out.
M4LG5
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:49 PM
Yup

Quoting woodswalker: So we could update the fafsa once divorce is final, maybe?

Quoting M4LG5: Once you are single, you don't have to report both for financial aid....just the one that "provides more financial support." That can be just you so there could be a chance she will get more financial aid.
trish116
by on Dec. 31, 2017 at 11:55 PM
I think you should keep this to yourself a bit longer and gather the (evidence) so to speak. Try to prepare yourself for what you want to do find a good solicitor start talking to them and get any correspondence from them sent to a different address. Knowledge is power and if you have the facts and a plan put together then you are in a much better position.
woodswalker
by Member on Jan. 1, 2018 at 12:00 AM
It’s very hard to keep it to myself when I can’t stop crying and can’t bring myself to even look at him right now.

Quoting trish116: I think you should keep this to yourself a bit longer and gather the (evidence) so to speak. Try to prepare yourself for what you want to do find a good solicitor start talking to them and get any correspondence from them sent to a different address. Knowledge is power and if you have the facts and a plan put together then you are in a much better position.
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