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Hi everyone. Been with him 33 years. Married for 22. I’ve put up with and forgiven so much shit over the years but this time he’s done something on my list of unforgivables.
Found numerous emails in his sent box seeking hook ups with skanks on Craig’s list. No idea how many he actually hooked up with . He seems to have deleted from his inbox but forgot about SENT
Our youngest turns 18 in May. She got a 16,000 a year scholarship to a great private college. We will have to refinance and take out loans for the rest. Husband and I always told the kids we would pay for their education and I don’t want them to lose out because of a divorce.
I would like to stay til we figure out the financing the college shit. He is the type to say, Well there’s no money for college now . Mommy wanted a divorce.
Just looking for advice and support. Can’t really talk to anyone IRL yet. I’m sitting in the bathroom crying right now and he’s knocking on the door wondering why. Seriously.
by on Dec. 31, 2017 at 9:08 PM
Replies (11-15):
trish116
by on Jan. 1, 2018 at 12:07 AM
I can’t even imagine how you feel. But maybe just keep your plans from your husband for now and tell your children when you have figured everything out. I kept my divorce/separation secret from everyone but my only child at that time was only 4 so it wasn’t as though I had children that were older. My ex husband followed me to my new house and stole my car from the drive at around two in the morning but his antics are for another time. This was over 17 years ago best thing I ever did but that was my experience.

Quoting woodswalker: It’s very hard to keep it to myself when I can’t stop crying and can’t bring myself to even look at him right now.

Quoting trish116: I think you should keep this to yourself a bit longer and gather the (evidence) so to speak. Try to prepare yourself for what you want to do find a good solicitor start talking to them and get any correspondence from them sent to a different address. Knowledge is power and if you have the facts and a plan put together then you are in a much better position.
Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Jan. 1, 2018 at 8:26 AM

fafsa -For financial aid purposes, your custodial parent is the one you lived with the most in the last 12 months, or the parent who provided you with the most financial support. It may be different from the parent who has legal custody.  And while you're at it, have the child's primary residency (as while as primary custody) be with you, and be sure your attorney writes in that you will claim the child at tax time, as well, which gives you the tax advantage of the dependent and the tax advantage of writing off education costs.

What state are you in? Do you have a 529 set up? If not, look into that pronto.... it may give you tax advantages. My personal thoughts on paying for college is a parent should have to pay no more than half, but with my youngest, I got ended paying half alone, with exdh paying the other half (and I have a strong suspicion exdh used his business to cover his half). Trust me, it's no fun going through a divorce and needing to pull $15,000 a year out of my ass to cover college. At your age and mine, retirement isn't that far off.


Quoting woodswalker: So we could update the fafsa once divorce is final, maybe?
Quoting M4LG5: Once you are single, you don't have to report both for financial aid....just the one that "provides more financial support." That can be just you so there could be a chance she will get more financial aid.


                   
    Life is divine chaos
Embrace it.  Forgive  yourself.   Breathe
           And enjoy the ride....   

cie
by Member on Jan. 1, 2018 at 1:00 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with the ladies...play kinda dumb..tell him you need more time to think and then clear out accounts gather information on all accounts and file for divorce but do NOT tell him...I made the mistake last year of telling him I was gonna get a divorce and all that did was give him the green light to move the accounts cut me off of money and force my hand at staying put due to financial streess coupled with his Narc ways I was pulled back in...Not this time..although I am not as prepared as I had wanted to be his use of steroids and escorts(BDSM women) is just more then I can tolorate. I dont know how many times you have caught him but what he is doing now is the card my STBX played about 16 years ago".I am so sorry .."I was just seeing what I could find because I am in such a bad place. Please forgive me I cant loose my family" We love them and believe them we want to belive it was/is a mistake. they dont mean any of those sorrys  

. So we are 6 weeks later from my discovery of his antics with him not even bothering to deny anything, admit anything just being cruel and doing what he can to make my life hell. While he is of course openly seeing other women. taking me off of credit cards(which is stupid because I never physical held but 2 of them).lowering money he puts in my account Just being an asshole because I had the nerve to snoop and confront him. His ego has grown tremendously over the past 20 years.

so listen to these women. I tried to be FAIR I got confussed and did not want to believe I was that stupid or he was that cruel and calculated. Give yourself grace,trust these women and you will know what they speak is the truth because they will not only read your mind and know your depest emotions they will be able to tell you what he is capable of...and please believe them..believe US...there is no grey with these men.Black or white..you are in or your our out and if your out...your are not their wife or the mother of their children ...as my STBX told me recently


"This is war and I will destroy you...gonna go scortched earth and it all YOUR fault..you are causing me to do this"..to which I replyd..


"no jury would convict me"

LMAO!!!!

Oliviasmom72
by Member on Jan. 2, 2018 at 12:49 PM

First of all I would close out any joint credit card accounts because you dont want him running up bills. Start putting your ducks in a row. Start seperating finances now. Try to pay anything off that you dont want to deal with.

Decide what you want to do with the house. either buy each other out or sell it and could you afford getting another house?

You are right even placing the CL ad would be a deal breaker. There are nothing but mostly prostitutes on that site anyways so who knows what really happened but that would do it for me.

Cancel him off your health insurance once the divorce goes through. You have will have no choice but to do that so he is on his own there once its final.

College is RARELY awarded but I would ask for it and see if its approved and if you can get him to pay 1/2 of all out of pocket college but only a couple states wil do this. You may be out of luck here.

Good luck

Goobergal
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2018 at 10:33 AM
1 mom liked this

WHAT all these ladies have said.  In my state, there was no covering College.  Douche makes a lot of money and pays for naught. I’m poor, old and no retirement.  My son Was 15 and daughter 11 when this started.  He is now a college senior.  He works full time and school full time.  Dreams of fancy College went on the back burner. The best advice  the judge ever gave me was that this lifestyle, i would no longer be able to sustain. it taught me that money is fleeting. Anything can happen.  My son, a great student, has learned hard work.  Combine those two in his future and he will be FIERCE!  My daughter, she is a gifted student.  Everything accelerated, gifted, AP.  She’s an athlete, a dancer, socially active, politically conscious and a volunteer throughout the community. She has maintained a 4.0 her entire life.  And she’s looking for the best money College can give her.  SHe deserves harvard, and all the ivy’s  But she’s also got something else from divorce besides hard work.  She has wisdom.  She will have to find affordable, a good fit and a good source of education, not only looking at ivy leagues.  Yes dads money might have made that possible, but he’s brought her anxiety, depression, ptsd and instability . 


Dont look at loss and struggle as a bad thing.  Do for you.  Protect YOU.  Your kids are adults and have the whole world ahead.  


Go look around the posts here.  You’ve raised red flags with the description of your Husband. Read about personality disorders, narcissism, gray rock.  Even if they don’t describe  him, they are great tools.  


Sorry my my iPad is being wonky with the auto correct.  

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