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I Don't Understand This

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2018 at 3:03 PM
  • 11 Replies

My dh of 13 years (been together 15 years) decided he no longer wanted to be married.  He has made all sorts of claims that I don't appreciate him, I made all the decisions without including him, I'm not the person he married, etc.

He said all of this 6 months AFTER he left.

He told me none of this while we were together.

If I lead with my brain, I can see how little he thought of me.  He belittled education while I worked on and completed both my bachelor's and master's degrees.  He thinks that every issue should be handled by me until he doesn't like my decision.  He never thanks me for anything I do, while I was very verbal in my appreciation for him.  He never stood up for me with anyone.  He was never grateful for anything I or my family did for him or our family.  He never did anything around the house, even the things he agreed to do.  I handled everything. 

I should be glad to be able to move on and do things my way.


But I am heartbroken.  I want my marriage, I want my children's father there for them every day.  I miss my husband and best friend.  I love him, even though he has broken me.

Why?

by on Jan. 18, 2018 at 3:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 5:06 PM
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co depency???  It's nice to be taken care of.

you're in love with the image of who he was, who you'd always hoped he'd be, and who you wanted him to be

sometimes we women are eternally optimisitc and refuse to see who they are, even when they keep showing us

quinnsmom715
by on Jan. 18, 2018 at 5:10 PM

if thats your 'best friend' i hate to see your worst enemy..

Goobergal
by Silver Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 6:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with Fayenne.  In some cases, intimacy breeds feelings of closeness and allows us to see them with rose colored glasses. In turn, intimacy for them breeds contempt.  He sounds like a selfish asshole who used psychological tacics to abuse you.  Great for you in pursuing higher ed.  I didnt while married and could kick myself.  He claimed to endorse it and then threw faux obstacles like who would care for the kids.


I felt ugly and old and how could I possibly find a partner again.  Funny because when I stopped trying to be HIS wife, I noticed how attracted men were to me.  And I did find my goob who drives me insane and pushed me getting my graduate degree. But first I had to find peace within myself.


Look up the abuse wheel and read it.  A lot of us here were married to narcissists.  Look that up as well.

anonomomma
by Member on Jan. 18, 2018 at 6:40 PM
2 moms liked this
I had go to counseling after I found out my ex was cheating and we ended our marriage. I know many women are scared of how that will look, but I personally didn't tell anyone because it was no one's business. My only regret is I didn't go sooner. I got to talk it out and evaluate how I ended up in what was a terrible relationship and work on me so I could make better choices going forward. Sometimes you just need a safe stranger to talk it out with and know that it stays in that room.
JenniferP96
by New Member on Jan. 19, 2018 at 9:45 AM

You mommas are a Godsend!  Thank you!

STBSingleMom
by Bronze Member on Jan. 19, 2018 at 9:45 AM
1 mom liked this
It’s Stockholm Syndrome to an extent. But it’s also such a shock to the system to wake up one morning and realize how different the world you knew is from the world your “partner” saw.

Quoting quinnsmom715:

if thats your 'best friend' i hate to see your worst enemy..

JenniferP96
by New Member on Jan. 19, 2018 at 10:07 AM

I remember how he was.  When we were a team.  We had so many interests in common.  We could talk about anything.  We were inseperable, not because of jealousy, but because we loved being with each other.  We had a hard time conceiving and I was on fertility drugs for years, and had multiple surgeries.  I'm sure my personality changed and I became depressed.  He can't really understand something if he doesn't experience it, so my depression just frustrated him and pushed him away. 

We tried to pull things back together and I really thought we had.  We adopted DD6, then had DS5, followed 2 years later by DD3.  I found a great job and we were getting to where we had always wanted to be.  Then his company decided to get rid of all long term managers and bring in new ones so they could pay them less.  I saw this coming and warned him to get out, but he didn't listen.  He lost his job 2 1/2 years ago.  He found another one 4 months later, and we were fine during this time because the state found that this was a warrentless termination and they were forced to pay us.  But the whol situation seemed to set off a downward spiral that he cannot pull himself out of.  I took the brunt of it, as always.

I want him to realize he was not at fault, that corporate greed was.  Pull himself back together  so maybe we can heal.  At the same time, I don't think I could fully trust him again.  I don't think I would truly feel safe and protected with him 

Goobergal
by Silver Member on Jan. 21, 2018 at 6:40 PM
1 mom liked this

I’m sorry dear.  Many men identify in terms of career  but that’s no excuse for his cruelty.  You are right to be cautious  and sweet to want good things for him.  But it doesn’t mean he’s right for your life.  You saw him for what he was, he showed you and you better believe that that is his nature  


my ex and i were much like you.  Had fun, could laugh, seemingly thought the same.  Translation, he brought me around to his way of thinking in many ways, but one.  How i treated my children.  Six plus years later, kids talk to me and barely or never to him.


trust YOU  

he’s shown you his real self.

Quoting JenniferP96:

I remember how he was.  When we were a team.  We had so many interests in common.  We could talk about anything.  We were inseperable, not because of jealousy, but because we loved being with each other.  We had a hard time conceiving and I was on fertility drugs for years, and had multiple surgeries.  I'm sure my personality changed and I became depressed.  He can't really understand something if he doesn't experience it, so my depression just frustrated him and pushed him away. 

We tried to pull things back together and I really thought we had.  We adopted DD6, then had DS5, followed 2 years later by DD3.  I found a great job and we were getting to where we had always wanted to be.  Then his company decided to get rid of all long term managers and bring in new ones so they could pay them less.  I saw this coming and warned him to get out, but he didn't listen.  He lost his job 2 1/2 years ago.  He found another one 4 months later, and we were fine during this time because the state found that this was a warrentless termination and they were forced to pay us.  But the whol situation seemed to set off a downward spiral that he cannot pull himself out of.  I took the brunt of it, as always.

I want him to realize he was not at fault, that corporate greed was.  Pull himself back together  so maybe we can heal.  At the same time, I don't think I could fully trust him again.  I don't think I would truly feel safe and protected with him 


Proud mommy to 3 and goober's butterfly 

chinaandback
by on Jan. 24, 2018 at 11:22 AM

I'm sorry you are heartbroken :( but as much as we can hope someone would realize something, anything, they just won't until they are ready. Has he thought about counseling to cope with the job loss? That can be very difficult on a man and marriage, for sure. Have you suggested coupels counseling? I don't blame you for wanting your marriage. I wanted that too even after my ex had an affair. We also suffered infertility and were blessed by adoption. Here's an article that I wish I knew about then, on how to stay strong through this http://bit.ly/2E6ytGV (((Hugs)))

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Jan. 26, 2018 at 8:25 PM

Oh honey, you are missing the idea of a good marriage, not really the one you had. I hope you move on and find someone who deserves you! Hugs!

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