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Valentines day

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2018 at 4:58 PM
  • 10 Replies
I’ve been dating a guy for about three months, which I feel is about the time you really start to get to know someone’s quirks and flaws. I’m seeing some red flags and thinking we need to talk through some serious things before moving further. And I’m leaning towards the possibiltiy that we might not go further in our relationship, but it would depend on how the convos go.

What I feel is complicated right now is Valentine’s Day this week. The day is three days from now and it’s a sensitive day for him especially because his wife left him 4 years ago on Valentines day. The weekend after, we have an overnight weekend planned together. I’m finding I’m dreading it a bit, because I don’t know where we’re heading next. I don’t want to feel that I’m faking everything’s ok for the next week, but I also hate to dredge all this up on a “holiday” that’s already difficult for him. He’s essentially a good guy.

Advice on the most tactful way to address this?
by on Feb. 11, 2018 at 4:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Feb. 11, 2018 at 9:49 PM

What are the red flags?


Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 5:39 AM

women tend to think more seriously about the relationship earlier in the relationship than men do. So... do you know what his long-term thoughts on the relationship are?

At only three months in.... I'm thinking you should still be on the 'light and easy' side of this relationship.  If you see red flags, I'd be backing off a bit on things, and just observing them from a distance. And, you need to know what your deal breakers are, without offering them up with an opportunity for him to excuse them away. Quirks - everyone has. Deal breakers... how bad are these 'red flags' ?

The "we need to talk" thing women do to men early on can freak a guy out, and a guy that carries a lot baggage from a previous relationship is really not going to respond well.

Just curious... why did you plan a weekend away with him if you don't even know where the relationship is going?


Kbmommynat
by Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 7:02 AM
Good question...it’s not a weekend away exactly. It’s an overnight. He’s planned to cook a big dinner for us for valentines and I planned to stay over.

We’ve been both looking at this relationship in a serious light I suppose, maybe too serious for this early on. The thing is, I think he’s looking at this even more seriously than I am. He’s been the first to bring up meeting parents, overnights, etc. He’s very type A and thinking toward the future already.

Some red flags: we’re maybe too much alike in our typeA-ness (but him even more so), I want more kids eventually and he doesn’t, our chemistry isn’t super strong, I think he’s a little over analytical and over critical, etc.

Quoting Fayanne:

women tend to think more seriously about the relationship earlier in the relationship than men do. So... do you know what his long-term thoughts on the relationship are?

At only three months in.... I'm thinking you should still be on the 'light and easy' side of this relationship.  If you see red flags, I'd be backing off a bit on things, and just observing them from a distance. And, you need to know what your deal breakers are, without offering them up with an opportunity for him to excuse them away. Quirks - everyone has. Deal breakers... how bad are these 'red flags' ?

The "we need to talk" thing women do to men early on can freak a guy out, and a guy that carries a lot baggage from a previous relationship is really not going to respond well.

Just curious... why did you plan a weekend away with him if you don't even know where the relationship is going?

Kbmommynat
by Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 7:05 AM
Maybe minor at this point, but I think they at least need to be brought up. We’re both type-A people but he’s a little extra hyper-analytical and critical, I want more kids eventually and he doesn’t, I’m really involved in church and he’s not (I think that’s an important factor for the future potential of combining households and ways of life), etc.

Quoting tottaxi:

What are the red flags?

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Feb. 12, 2018 at 8:42 AM

So do you think that you are going to change his mind on children?  Or do you think you will be okay with not having more children?  Any time you think someone is going to change and come around to your way of thinking you will be making a serious mistake.  And if you think you want him more than you desire children do you think that at some point you will regret not having them?  That is a very serious issue.

Three months and you already see yourselves walking down the aisle?  That's pretty crazy.  What is the urgency?  You know you don't know him that well nor does he know you well enough for that sort of intensity in the relationship.

Honestly, it seems like you are both acting pretty desperate.  What is the urgency?  My advice would be to back off on the relationship.  Slow it down.  Live a life independent from him and date him less frequently.  It seems like you are both approaching this like you are on some sort of mission instead of easing in to an adult relationship.  Think about teenagers on hormone overload and the whole "I'm in LOVE!!!" silliness.

Have you had an argument yet?  Have you told him "no" on anything to see how he responds?

You seem to be quite prideful of your "type A" personality.  Type A people always seem to me to be very controlling and not too introspective.  They want what they want when they want it and there is hell to pay to the poor soul that gets in their way.  It's one thing to be an active and energetic person, but there it is a whole different ball game if that turns into someone who is rigid and demanding.

Valentine's Day is a silly holiday promoted by an industry getting us to buy crap we don't need.  It sounds to me as though he is taking the lead on this with fixing you dinner and having an overnight (when I write this it sounds like children having a slumber party).  For you...I'd bring dessert and call it good.

Religion...how important is it to you that he shares your beliefs?  In the same vein...what are his politics?  Does he share the same values that you do?

Slow down.  Your moving waaaay too fast.  If that upsets him then you'll KNOW this is too much too soon.

Kbmommynat
by Member on Feb. 12, 2018 at 9:19 AM
I really feel like you’ve wildly misunderstood this posting, and have made some assumptions that I certainly didn’t say.

I’m prideful of my type A?

I’m acting desperate?

Type A pesonalities sound like the devil as you describe it.

We’ve had discussion about kids, etc because although we’re not planning a wedding as you seem to assume, we believe it’s improtant to go ahead and have honest conversations early on so there aren’t surprises later. And I’m glad we have, bc we’re starting to pinpoint differences early on that may be roadblocks later. I’d rather know those things now rather than a year from now.

Quoting tottaxi:

So do you think that you are going to change his mind on children?  Or do you think you will be okay with not having more children?  Any time you think someone is going to change and come around to your way of thinking you will be making a serious mistake.  And if you think you want him more than you desire children do you think that at some point you will regret not having them?  That is a very serious issue.

Three months and you already see yourselves walking down the aisle?  That's pretty crazy.  What is the urgency?  You know you don't know him that well nor does he know you well enough for that sort of intensity in the relationship.

Honestly, it seems like you are both acting pretty desperate.  What is the urgency?  My advice would be to back off on the relationship.  Slow it down.  Live a life independent from him and date him less frequently.  It seems like you are both approaching this like you are on some sort of mission instead of easing in to an adult relationship.  Think about teenagers on hormone overload and the whole "I'm in LOVE!!!" silliness.

Have you had an argument yet?  Have you told him "no" on anything to see how he responds?

You seem to be quite prideful of your "type A" personality.  Type A people always seem to me to be very controlling and not too introspective.  They want what they want when they want it and there is hell to pay to the poor soul that gets in their way.  It's one thing to be an active and energetic person, but there it is a whole different ball game if that turns into someone who is rigid and demanding.

Valentine's Day is a silly holiday promoted by an industry getting us to buy crap we don't need.  It sounds to me as though he is taking the lead on this with fixing you dinner and having an overnight (when I write this it sounds like children having a slumber party).  For you...I'd bring dessert and call it good.

Religion...how important is it to you that he shares your beliefs?  In the same vein...what are his politics?  Does he share the same values that you do?

Slow down.  Your moving waaaay too fast.  If that upsets him then you'll KNOW this is too much too soon.

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Feb. 12, 2018 at 9:53 AM

I'm not making any assumptions.  You provided the information.  You used the word "future" , the meeting of the parents, combining households and lifestyles, and at three months in to a relationship that is moving pretty fast.  And moving fast is a sign of desperation.  What that desperation stems from is something that only you and he know, but three months is a very short time in the grand scheme of things.

Asking questions early on is good, but time is the only way of knowing whether those answers are honest.  Some people (narcissists...also known for their control issues) are very good at saying what they think we want to hear and then changing their tune after they have sucked us in.

And yes, I did use the word "prideful" in regards to your use of the labeling of "Type A" personalities.  It's my experience that when someone describes themselves that way they are quite proud of it and consider it an asset.  I've been in that mode myself at times and it is only as I get older that I realize that it can become a sort of manic situation and I have used it as a way to avoid introspection or facing reality.  It can lead to not letting things evolve naturally and that, IMO, is when our judgement goes awry.  Life doesn't adhere to a timetable of our creation.  Learning we can't control everything is probably the hardest lesson to learn.

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Feb. 15, 2018 at 7:08 AM

Sorry, I'm late, how did Valentine's Day go? Hope you had fun and learned more about each other! It's a process and it does take several months to get to really know someone. If having more kids is a deal breaker I agree you need to end it sooner rather than later, we aren't getting any younger, lol.

Kbmommynat
by Member on Feb. 15, 2018 at 9:00 AM
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We had plans to see each other this weekend rather than on actually Valentine’s Day so I plan to talk to him then. And I’ve decided to simplify the weekend down to just dinner rather than staying over. Less pressure.

I’m hoping having a convo will add some clarity and then we can go from there. But the more time I spend thinking it over, the more I feel we may be near the end of where this might go. And I’m ok with that. I just dread telling him. I think he’s “all in” and I hate to hurt him. But I have to be honest!

Quoting Lindalou907:

Sorry, I'm late, how did Valentine's Day go? Hope you had fun and learned more about each other! It's a process and it does take several months to get to really know someone. If having more kids is a deal breaker I agree you need to end it sooner rather than later, we aren't getting any younger, lol.

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Feb. 15, 2018 at 11:25 AM

I understand, hurting someone is the worst.  

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