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(Update) Why I'm Back on CM...He's In Prison

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2018 at 1:05 PM
  • 8 Replies

**Update - we found out last week that he was sentenced to 9 years in federal prison then 20 years supervised release.  Of course, he will also be a registered sex offender.  The defense's psychologist testified that he diagnosed him with pedophilia and the Judge told him that he believed him to be a threat to society.  He said he took into consideration that he clearly attempted to cover his tracks as well as the impact of his choices on his children.  My kids took the news OK at first but it started to sink in a day or two later and now, well, I'm just taking it one day at a time with them.  Personally, I am relieved that it was longer than 5 years, this means BOTH of my children will be adults by the time he is released, one of the things I believe the Judge intended when determining the sentencing.**

I posted this in another group the other day but wanted to share here as well especially since I remembered this is the group that actually helped me the most back in 2013/2014 during my separation & divorce. 


I know this is long and I am going to sincerely apologize in advance but I just feel the need to let go.

I left my ex in June 2013, he was/is a pathological liar and after 14 years of marriage I knew nothing would change so I got out.  Many friendships suffered as most of our local friends started from his relationship with them from childhood. I was cool with that - I know this stuff happens.

I also suffered not being the 'fun' parent.  Myself having majority physical custody of the kids left him to have them EOW (no school nights) and one week in the summer. During their time with him, there were no rules, no bedtime and they ate junk all weekend.  I was the parent that enforced rules, expected common chores to get done, upheld a healthy lifestyle, and expected good study habits & grades.  Of course, we had fun too, because of me they have always been involved in sports, music, student groups or other extra-curricular activities they wanted to be a part of.  We had our fair share of little weekends away, our annual vacation to the beach & season passes to the local amusement & water parks.  But, it always came down to which parent enforced rules.  Again, I handled it, I know this is typical in situations like ours and I just hung on, knowing one day my children would grow up, most likely reflect on their childhood and know that I was always, always there for them.

Last July, my children were at his house (for their week) when it was raided by the FBI.  I was contacted at work & told that I was to be available immediately to meet with the agent so that she can tell me in person what was going on and to also arrange to pick up my children immediately from their paternal grandmother.  Once I met with the agent, I found out he was being investigated for distribution of child porn.  I was to bring my children three towns away that same week for forensic interviews and possibly physical exams.  They had seized his laptop & phone and were searching for evidence of receipt and/or participation of CP.

For those of you that don’t know (because I sure didn’t), when you download anything to view electronically, your software agreement stipulates that the things you download can be ‘shared’.  This is what the distribution means in this case.  While he did not send the files out, when he downloaded them, it put them ‘out there’ to be pulled, which is exactly what the FBI did.  When they raided his house, they had 9 counts of distribution to charge him with, this could result in maybe up to 2 years in prison, most likely ‘time served’ with probation.  After seizing his electronics, they found 1 file that he had not deleted.  This is receipt & carries a mandatory minimum of 5 years (maximum of 20) for each count of receipt.  They did not find any evidence of participation, nor did they find any reason to believe my children were abused.  (Thank God!)  By the way, ANY of these charges on their own would also result in becoming a registered sex offender for life.

He was (much) later arrested & held in jail for 1 week before he was released on bond/house arrest in October.  He was offered a deal to plead guilty to the 1 count of receipt & they would drop the distribution charges.  He had 5 weeks to accept or decline otherwise they would charge him with 9 counts distribution & 1 count of receipt.  The likelihood of him getting much more than 5 years was high if he did not accept the plea.  In December, the prosecuting attorney let me know that she was made aware by his defense attorneys of his plan to accept the plea and his court date to enter his plea was set for a Monday in December.  She told me that she would request that his bond be revoked and that it was very likely it would happen.  This entire time, he was only allowed to see the children a few times with his parents supervising.  Never overnight and only for a couple of hours at a time.   I arranged for the children to spend the entire day with him (& his parents of course) that Sunday before his plea hearing and spoke to him in detail the week before of the likelihood of his bond being revoked.  He told me that he did NOT think that would happen and I reiterated it was very likely to happen.  That Sunday, I got a call from one of my kids that their Dad had arranged to watch football with a bunch of buddies & he was spending most of his time with his buddies in the downstairs apartment of his parents’ home while our children spent the entire time with their grandparents upstairs in the main house.  I asked if they wanted me to come get them but they said NO because they hoped to spend time with him once the game was over.  They got 1 hour with him that day.

The next day his bond was in fact revoked & he’s been in federal prison since.  His sentencing is in March.  He writes the kids & calls them, playing the ‘victim’ and making false promises about getting out soon.  Both of my children are kept in the loop – I do not believe in lying AT ALL about this situation and because of that THEY were prepared for him to go to prison more so than he or his parents were. 

Through all of this, I have been taking them to counseling on a regular basis.  I found out thru the forensic interview that my son had become “addicted” to regular porn after being exposed to it on his Dad’s phone during his stays with him and through the months of counseling, my daughter is borderline depressed from the entire situation.  My son no longer has access to the internet and struggles with not having his Dad, a male influence, in his life.  My daughter’s grades have dropped significantly and she talks about her Dad constantly.  Sometimes, I just want to scream and just ‘move on’ but I KNOW that is not possible for them to do right now and, every day I take a breath and focus on how I can help them through this.

I guess I just needed to vent because only other Moms can really relate to the desire to do what’s best for our kids and be there for them as much as possible but simply be exhausted from the stress of it all and not be able to really do anything about it. 

If you made it this far, thanks for ‘listening’ to my story. 




ivf blessed
by on Mar. 9, 2018 at 1:05 PM
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Replies (1-8):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Mar. 9, 2018 at 1:30 PM

Thanks for sharing all this.  Your ex is really a piece of work.  Introducing your son to porn?  WTF.  Honestly, this is something I expect my ex to do at some point; expose him to sex, drugs and alcohol just to be the 'cool' parent.  Yeah.  Real cool.

Once he is in prison for the long haul maybe you can revisit custody.  Considering his crimes and how he has involved his son it may be possible for him to be forced to give up his rights.  I would never want him to be around them ever again and obviously having his parents supervise the visits is NOT a good option.

My ex is to have a hearing later this month (continued from last month) that may (hopefully) land him in jail and it was helpful to hear what your kids are going through since I may be dealing with something similar soon.  I doubt that ex will be in jail for long...up to a year for his Class A misdemeanors...and he could be allowed to serve the time on weeks (I hope not), but I know that I am going to have to offer DS some sort of explanation.  Ex has not begun to prepare him and lied about what happened (he left the scene of two accidents where property damage occurred because he didn't want to be arrest for another DUI which would have landed him in prison for sure.  Instead he told DS that he "hit a rock".  SMH.

We have another member whose ex is in prison.  I'll try to contact her.  I know she eventually relocated and did not have to inform her ex of her new location.  She may be able to give you some real advice since she has experienced the whole prison factor.

Hang in there.  We are here for you even if only to provide moral support.


tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Mar. 9, 2018 at 10:23 PM
1 mom liked this
  1. I've reached out to Tesserae.  She hasn't posted for quite some time, though.  You might want to search this forum to see how her situation played out.  Not the exact circumstances, but it still might be helpful.
  2. Don't ask me why these numbers keep popping up.  It seems to have a mind of its own!  Lol.
Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Mar. 10, 2018 at 8:27 AM

Hugs

how old are your kids?

ivf_blessed
by Member on Mar. 14, 2018 at 2:44 PM
1 mom liked this

Sorry it took me so long to respond.  Some days are just crazier than others & this week has been the worst!

I promise, I will answer these posts next time I can sit down & give it my full attention.

I really appreciate the support and advice from everyone! 

I have to go to the school now and help with my son's Running Club.  Mom Duty calls! :)

Quoting tottaxi:

Thanks for sharing all this.  Your ex is really a piece of work.  Introducing your son to porn?  WTF.  Honestly, this is something I expect my ex to do at some point; expose him to sex, drugs and alcohol just to be the 'cool' parent.  Yeah.  Real cool.

Once he is in prison for the long haul maybe you can revisit custody.  Considering his crimes and how he has involved his son it may be possible for him to be forced to give up his rights.  I would never want him to be around them ever again and obviously having his parents supervise the visits is NOT a good option.

My ex is to have a hearing later this month (continued from last month) that may (hopefully) land him in jail and it was helpful to hear what your kids are going through since I may be dealing with something similar soon.  I doubt that ex will be in jail for long...up to a year for his Class A misdemeanors...and he could be allowed to serve the time on weeks (I hope not), but I know that I am going to have to offer DS some sort of explanation.  Ex has not begun to prepare him and lied about what happened (he left the scene of two accidents where property damage occurred because he didn't want to be arrest for another DUI which would have landed him in prison for sure.  Instead he told DS that he "hit a rock".  SMH.

We have another member whose ex is in prison.  I'll try to contact her.  I know she eventually relocated and did not have to inform her ex of her new location.  She may be able to give you some real advice since she has experienced the whole prison factor.

Hang in there.  We are here for you even if only to provide moral support.



ivf blessed
ivf_blessed
by Member on Mar. 15, 2018 at 1:42 PM
1 mom liked this

He really is a piece of work (and then some).  Of course he denied it but he couldn't deny allowing his son access to his phone which is where he found it.

His parents have offered to assist financially so I have decided to hold off on the custody issue for the time being.  He is going to be locked up for at least 5 years then I am willing to hold off as long as they are sticking to their offer and so far they have.  The kids LOVE their grandparents and, as much as I didn't get along with their Papa by the end of my marriage - due to all the lying & cover ups - they have always been very kind, loving & fun for the kids.  Both kids actually asked to be able to spend EOW with them once their Dad was in jail, we started that after Christmas and so far, that seems to be working out well too.  The only issue we have had is that their Nana can tend to get upset if she starts talking about their Dad and then she starts crying and both kids feel uncomfortable.  It has gotten better however, it still happens from time to time and I spoke to her about yesterday.  She actually started crying with me when we discussed the sentencing.  I had to tell her that we all know he will get a minimum of 5 years and there is nothing we can do to change this so the focus HAS to be on the kids being able to live as normal a life as possible and they can't always be 'mourning' the fact their Dad is in jail.  She agrees and I know she will try her best to keep it together for their sake.

Your ex also sounds like a piece of work.  They think they can lie to their children & they will not question it or figure out the truth one day.  It's sad.  My ex was calling them everyday between the raid & the arrest (because I wouldn't let them see him).  Then one day, no call.  Next day, no call.  That went on for a week.  Then one day he called & pretended as if nothing happened (he had been in jail).  Here's the kicker - my kids KNEW I was subpoenaed to testify in front of the Grand Jury and that I was also contacted the day before he was taken into custody to give me the heads up that they were going to charge him & ask that he turn himself in by noon the next morning.  When he didn't call the children, I wasn't surprised, because I figured, him being so narcissitic, he would think he would simply show up, hear the charges and go home.  But I thought FOR SURE his parents would call, but they didn't call either.  He was in jail for a week because the probation officer had to be sure the home & his specific office did not have access to the internet.  He was released on house arrest when all that was done wearing an ankle bracelet. 

I made sure he knew that we all knew and he AND his parents failed in all of our eyes to show they would be honest with us.  I told them ALL that they might as well be up front from now on because I knew EVERYTHING and I knew it BEFORE they did so they DO NOT want to get on my bad side.  After that, things got better.  For once, his father realized he has NO power to change what is happening and he better shape up when it comes to ME.

He is a broken man now.  It's really sad but I believe he has always enabled BOTH his adult children and both are pathetic in their own ways. 

Because my kids LOVE both of their grandparents, I reverted from my extreme effort to get along with their Dad & stay away from his family to making an extreme effort to get along with his family and the kids clearly benefit from it so it's worth it.

How old is your son?  My DD is 14 & my DS is 10 and both are handling it completely different from the other. 

Quoting tottaxi:

Thanks for sharing all this.  Your ex is really a piece of work.  Introducing your son to porn?  WTF.  Honestly, this is something I expect my ex to do at some point; expose him to sex, drugs and alcohol just to be the 'cool' parent.  Yeah.  Real cool.

Once he is in prison for the long haul maybe you can revisit custody.  Considering his crimes and how he has involved his son it may be possible for him to be forced to give up his rights.  I would never want him to be around them ever again and obviously having his parents supervise the visits is NOT a good option.

My ex is to have a hearing later this month (continued from last month) that may (hopefully) land him in jail and it was helpful to hear what your kids are going through since I may be dealing with something similar soon.  I doubt that ex will be in jail for long...up to a year for his Class A misdemeanors...and he could be allowed to serve the time on weeks (I hope not), but I know that I am going to have to offer DS some sort of explanation.  Ex has not begun to prepare him and lied about what happened (he left the scene of two accidents where property damage occurred because he didn't want to be arrest for another DUI which would have landed him in prison for sure.  Instead he told DS that he "hit a rock".  SMH.

We have another member whose ex is in prison.  I'll try to contact her.  I know she eventually relocated and did not have to inform her ex of her new location.  She may be able to give you some real advice since she has experienced the whole prison factor.

Hang in there.  We are here for you even if only to provide moral support.



ivf blessed
ivf_blessed
by Member on Mar. 15, 2018 at 2:04 PM
1 mom liked this

My DD is 14 and my DS is 10

My DD seems to be suffering the most but I think that's because she is more aware of the what the charges mean and frankly, her Dad was her 'hero'.  At the same time, she is also having to deal with typical middle school drama, advanced classes, extra curriculars that she insists sticking with and then, on top of it all, she has had 1 friend threaten multiple times to commit suicide and another friend that is cutting herself.  My DD is very sensitive to others' pain and it's just been so hard on her.  Her counselor is really worried about depression with her.

My DS seems to be ok for the most part.  He has always had a "happy go lucky' type personality and once I removed his access to the internet, he is less anxious about feeling the pull to search up the 'bad stuff'.  I have noticed he has grown closer to my boyfriend in the last month, which is fine.  My boyfriend is AMAZING and has always been super kind to my children, but at the same time, I think my DS needs another positive male influence, maybe one of his 'own' so I am trying to get him approved for a Big Brother through the Big Brother Big Sister organization.  Unfortunately, it has turned out they closed the BBBS program specific to our school district so I am having to go through the actual organization instead.  Fingers crossed it works.

Thanks for the Hugs :)

Quoting Fayanne:

Hugs

how old are your kids?


ivf blessed
cie
by Member on Mar. 16, 2018 at 2:59 PM
1 mom liked this

My first husband was in and out of prison during our relationship and that is one of the reasons I divorced him...here is what I did


I made him an offer he couldnt refuse (while in prison) stay our of their lives and alow me to raise them. I will not ask for any CS or money at all from you in return..you stay away until they are adults...after that its up to them (since it would be up to them anyway) yes I got them therapy and yes it was hard but now at 30 and 35 they understand and thank me for what I did..they know I suffered as a completly single parent to give them a chance at life...you may not want to do this but you can always modify your terms...he is in prison for child pornography...you hold all the cards girl...start playing them...best of luck

woodswalker
by Member on Mar. 29, 2018 at 7:16 AM
1 mom liked this
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. And I just want to say that I think it’s great you always tell the kids the truth. At least they know they can always come to you for the facts.
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