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Assssssshhhhhh

Posted by on Mar. 13, 2018 at 11:06 AM
  • 14 Replies

Ok I wanted to use the other word...but I'll call him above plus hole so as not to cuss.


I admit to pettiness, in advance.  I think I earned it.  Daughter gets a limited number of graduation tickets.  Her uncle is trying to come but with short notice of dates, it may be too expensive.  Then there is goob who's been here for her as a parent but not a dad, respecting boundaries but being here to talk to and ground her thinking when she's needing it, and being dad presence with the boyfriend who needs his butt whooped, another tale.  But he's here.  Took her to college fairs when I coudn't, came out when BF was being a douche to get her mind off things and paid for outrageously priced dinner that evening.  LOL... My son is coming.  My other son and wife. Of course me.  And I think my step son may come also.  He's been at her school three of her four years, having just graduated, and we attended.  That makes seven, right??? LOL...

I believe she gets 8 tickets.  In the past there was no limit and no tickets because they did it at the dome.  Now it's at a smaller arena, but still, 8 is pretty generous.  Now there is no way of knowing if my brother or any of the others like my son and daughter in law who are from out of state will be there.  But they did come for my other son and have planned on it.  


So here's the assh part of it.  Her father, the asshat, has communicated to her that he wants two tickets.  One for himself and one for his step father.  I told her ONE ticket only.  Several reasons, starting with my petty I hate him.  LOL.. But I know daughter wants him there.  Then there is the fact that all the other parties comng have been there for my daughter, emotionally, psychologically and financially.  Dad has been here child support wise since I have it garnished, but he robs me of pension by removing CS from MY pension and I get half.  In a sense paying myself child support.  He has not paid all the court ordered activities and he owes me thousands and thousands in her medical bills.  He's paid NOTHING while flying as a pilot for air medical all these years and supporting a bunch of step kids and foster kid and animals and handicapped new wife.  He has done NOTHING to help my college aged son who works full time to pay for a car to get to school, his dorm now (he used to live with us 2.5 of those college years) and all his medical and dental. I have mostly paid car insurance all these years.  Im asking for help now.  Ive paid college applications, SAT scores, trips to colleges, etc. Plus we feed, house and clothe her which is way more than the CS he pays for her.  My family has helped with dances, ncluding hair and nails, shoes, clothing and luxuries.


His parents have not called, sent cards, money, nothing in over 10 years.  I feel he's playing chicken, he wants to make me the bad guy and he really just doesnt want to come all the way out here for her graduation.  I dont want to cave, even for one ticket because he's a narc and it sends a message that he can manipulate me.  Ive heard from goob that this is about her, and to an extent it is.  But it involves me in the narc way. Not to mention I believe in the reward system.  It bugs me to reward bad parenting, bad humanity.


She of course is disappointed and knows he's being a dick.  Yet rewarding his behavior does not teach her to set boundaries with his inevitable disappointments.  My oldest invited him to his wedding twice in writing and once or twice in person and no show.  His excuse was "your mother."  Basically I didnt personally invite him.


ugh,,,,, so again I am the bad guy.  And I hate feeling conflicted but I have been reasonable before and what I've gotten is being poor, defeated, not being able to afford court costs while he is a pilot living well after 30 years of me helping him get where he is.  I am the SOLE parent of three kids and the ONLY stability they will ever have as a parent.  They can take me for granted because I am ALWAYS here to love them.


Proud mommy to 3 and goober's butterfly 

by on Mar. 13, 2018 at 11:06 AM
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Replies (1-10):
tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Mar. 13, 2018 at 1:29 PM

I understand where you are coming from.  Do you REALLY think he will come?  Everything you've told us would indicate otherwise.

I think you should call his bluff and let your daughter tell him that she has two tickets for him. True or not.  Odds are if I'm wrong and he does show up there is some kid out there that will not use all of their tickets and you can acquire one at the last minute.  Your DD may know of someone like that right now.  I know in my own experience that I did not use all of my tickets for graduation.

Your guy is right in that this is about your daughter.  It's her big day.  Don't let this asshole ruin it for her.  I would probably draw the line at inviting him to an after party.  If he wants to celebrate with her he can stick around long enough to take her to dinner on HIS DIME and not make you or anyone else uncomfortable by being the elephant in the room.

Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2018 at 6:05 PM

She wants him there. There is one ticket available for him. End of story.

 I get where you are coming from, I do, completely. But, she wants him there. One ticket only.

No invites to after parties. He's in charge of orchestrating that with dd, and it is not to interfere with what you already have planned.


Goobergal
by Silver Member on Mar. 13, 2018 at 6:17 PM

He is unpredictable.  I am not sure if he'd come.  Of course he'd never be invited to spend time with us.  And he hasnt seen her since 2014 I think.  I just dont wanna lose out on our tickets and Im not thinking he should be such a dick at telling her he wouldnt come unless he got his way.  What parent would miss his child's big event for soemthing like a ticket for someone else.  That's dumb.  Money for air ticket, I get, but for his step father?  That's idiotic. He might even say fine, mail me tickets.  Um, no.

Quoting tottaxi:

I understand where you are coming from.  Do you REALLY think he will come?  Everything you've told us would indicate otherwise.

I think you should call his bluff and let your daughter tell him that she has two tickets for him. True or not.  Odds are if I'm wrong and he does show up there is some kid out there that will not use all of their tickets and you can acquire one at the last minute.  Your DD may know of someone like that right now.  I know in my own experience that I did not use all of my tickets for graduation.

Your guy is right in that this is about your daughter.  It's her big day.  Don't let this asshole ruin it for her.  I would probably draw the line at inviting him to an after party.  If he wants to celebrate with her he can stick around long enough to take her to dinner on HIS DIME and not make you or anyone else uncomfortable by being the elephant in the room.


Proud mommy to 3 and goober's butterfly 

Goobergal
by Silver Member on Mar. 13, 2018 at 6:20 PM

Yeah it's kind of what I am thinking.  I wouldnt say NO to HIS ticket.  But any extras, no.  I think she's more hurt about his response than she is about whether he's there or not.  I think knowing he cared enough to come is enough and she likely wouldnt want to spend loads of time with him.  He was the one who was her PTSD trigger. Just the sight of his car set her off.


We dont have much planned.  Likely just some dinner to celebrate.  It's just us.

Quoting Fayanne:

She wants him there. There is one ticket available for him. End of story.

 I get where you are coming from, I do, completely. But, she wants him there. One ticket only.

No invites to after parties. He's in charge of orchestrating that with dd, and it is not to interfere with what you already have planned.


Proud mommy to 3 and goober's butterfly 

Fayanne
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2018 at 5:49 AM

dd was pretty close to skipping wedding ceremony stuff altogether and eloping. Long story short, ex accused dd of stealing his identity to take out a student loan in his name, after receiving what I am pretty sure was probably a tax document about a parent loan he'd screwed up the year before. Dd saw him at her sister's bb game, and tried to explain. He blew up at her in the middle of the school lobby, and publically declared he wanted nothing more to do with her. Somehow, she managed to regain a relationship with him.. mostly for his mother's sake,  I think.  ... A few months ago while dd was in a work meeting, she saw her father's truck pull into her work parking lot, and she started shaking so much, even her co-workers noticed. She has tried to explain over and over to friends and co-workers what a shitshow he is capable of creating. They didn't begin to see how bad it was/is until that day, but they still don't really get it.

STILL, she is willing to do a ceremony and have her father walk her down the aisle.  Deep down, somewhere inside, I think there is still that little girl that wants her father to be there, despite everything he's done to her.

Good luck to you and dd... hopefully things go smoothly.

Quoting Goobergal:

Yeah it's kind of what I am thinking.  I wouldnt say NO to HIS ticket.  But any extras, no.  I think she's more hurt about his response than she is about whether he's there or not.  I think knowing he cared enough to come is enough and she likely wouldnt want to spend loads of time with him.  He was the one who was her PTSD trigger. Just the sight of his car set her off.


We dont have much planned.  Likely just some dinner to celebrate.  It's just us.

Quoting Fayanne:

She wants him there. There is one ticket available for him. End of story.

 I get where you are coming from, I do, completely. But, she wants him there. One ticket only.

No invites to after parties. He's in charge of orchestrating that with dd, and it is not to interfere with what you already have planned.


Goobergal
by Silver Member on Mar. 14, 2018 at 9:44 AM

He's a shit, isn't he.  I have no doubt it's as you said. Little girls wantingtheir daddies and unfortunately they got dealt sperm donors or half assed fathers as opposed to dad's.  I will let her deal with college graduations and weddings but this high school thing is MY bag, even as it is HER day.  He can make the decision and have it be on HIM, while he protests that it's my issue.  When it was my son's wedding, he lived in the same town, was handed an invite by both my son and by my son again during one of her visitations and he was verbally invited.  She saw that, even at age 11.  And I will be reminding her that that's what he did and how he operates, lest she thinks it's about her, because it's not.  He is a needy effer who needs old man as his protector.  Please.  None of us here care enough about him to touch a head of his receding hair.  


And so NOT mailing tickets to him...

Quoting Fayanne:

dd was pretty close to skipping wedding ceremony stuff altogether and eloping. Long story short, ex accused dd of stealing his identity to take out a student loan in his name, after receiving what I am pretty sure was probably a tax document about a parent loan he'd screwed up the year before. Dd saw him at her sister's bb game, and tried to explain. He blew up at her in the middle of the school lobby, and publically declared he wanted nothing more to do with her. Somehow, she managed to regain a relationship with him.. mostly for his mother's sake,  I think.  ... A few months ago while dd was in a work meeting, she saw her father's truck pull into her work parking lot, and she started shaking so much, even her co-workers noticed. She has tried to explain over and over to friends and co-workers what a shitshow he is capable of creating. They didn't begin to see how bad it was/is until that day, but they still don't really get it.

STILL, she is willing to do a ceremony and have her father walk her down the aisle.  Deep down, somewhere inside, I think there is still that little girl that wants her father to be there, despite everything he's done to her.

Good luck to you and dd... hopefully things go smoothly.

Quoting Goobergal:

Yeah it's kind of what I am thinking.  I wouldnt say NO to HIS ticket.  But any extras, no.  I think she's more hurt about his response than she is about whether he's there or not.  I think knowing he cared enough to come is enough and she likely wouldnt want to spend loads of time with him.  He was the one who was her PTSD trigger. Just the sight of his car set her off.


We dont have much planned.  Likely just some dinner to celebrate.  It's just us.

Quoting Fayanne:

She wants him there. There is one ticket available for him. End of story.

 I get where you are coming from, I do, completely. But, she wants him there. One ticket only.

No invites to after parties. He's in charge of orchestrating that with dd, and it is not to interfere with what you already have planned.


Proud mommy to 3 and goober's butterfly 

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Mar. 14, 2018 at 9:45 AM

That is just so sad, Fayanne. So many of our kids give these guys so many opportunities to do right by them and yet they keep dropping the ball.  It makes me wonder how my son will handle relationships in the future.  Will he allow people to shit on him over and over again in hopes that at some point they become decent?  

I wonder if they get this from us and our history of tolerating bad behavior for too long.  Or is it because the title "dad" implies that they can be rotten to the core and it's just something that has to be accepted?

My mom's mother (my grandma) was very self-centered and did some pretty awful things to my mom and yet mom tolerated it and even went so far as to think she was somehow responsible and deserving of it.  She has told me that she spent her entire life just over-looking it and shrugging it off and accepting responsibility for most of it.  

In the last year of my grandma's life some of the comments she made to my mom were just horrible.  She no longer even pretended to be caring or considerate.  It was quite an eye opener for my mom. It was extremely difficult to continue her role as her caregiver knowing her mom's true feelings for her.  Now that grandma has passed it has left my mom very angry not only at her mom, but at herself for not having seen her more clearly sooner. I hope our children don't tolerate the abuse their entire lives.

Quoting Fayanne:

dd was pretty close to skipping wedding ceremony stuff altogether and eloping. Long story short, ex accused dd of stealing his identity to take out a student loan in his name, after receiving what I am pretty sure was probably a tax document about a parent loan he'd screwed up the year before. Dd saw him at her sister's bb game, and tried to explain. He blew up at her in the middle of the school lobby, and publically declared he wanted nothing more to do with her. Somehow, she managed to regain a relationship with him.. mostly for his mother's sake,  I think.  ... A few months ago while dd was in a work meeting, she saw her father's truck pull into her work parking lot, and she started shaking so much, even her co-workers noticed. She has tried to explain over and over to friends and co-workers what a shitshow he is capable of creating. They didn't begin to see how bad it was/is until that day, but they still don't really get it.

STILL, she is willing to do a ceremony and have her father walk her down the aisle.  Deep down, somewhere inside, I think there is still that little girl that wants her father to be there, despite everything he's done to her.

Good luck to you and dd... hopefully things go smoothly.

Quoting Goobergal:

Yeah it's kind of what I am thinking.  I wouldnt say NO to HIS ticket.  But any extras, no.  I think she's more hurt about his response than she is about whether he's there or not.  I think knowing he cared enough to come is enough and she likely wouldnt want to spend loads of time with him.  He was the one who was her PTSD trigger. Just the sight of his car set her off.


We dont have much planned.  Likely just some dinner to celebrate.  It's just us.

Quoting Fayanne:

She wants him there. There is one ticket available for him. End of story.

 I get where you are coming from, I do, completely. But, she wants him there. One ticket only.

No invites to after parties. He's in charge of orchestrating that with dd, and it is not to interfere with what you already have planned.


Goobergal
by Silver Member on Mar. 14, 2018 at 9:54 AM
1 mom liked this

so very sad.  But what can you do?  You dont want to raise kids who have no empathy for others.  Part of that is the risk of being hurt.  But the alternative is raising the narcs we married or in your mom's case, her own mother.  I'd rather have empathy and keep falling down than not have that.  


Sadly the role of parent carries the power to hold that control over the love for life as opposed to a spouse who you can eventually evict.  Thus we have to empower the kids and allow them to be kind to the other parent while putting the brakes on them as well.  We ALL have some baggage we carry in life.

Quoting tottaxi:

That is just so sad, Fayanne. So many of our kids give these guys so many opportunities to do right by them and yet they keep dropping the ball.  It makes me wonder how my son will handle relationships in the future.  Will he allow people to shit on him over and over again in hopes that at some point they become decent?  

I wonder if they get this from us and our history of tolerating bad behavior for too long.  Or is it because the title "dad" implies that they can be rotten to the core and it's just something that has to be accepted?

My mom's mother (my grandma) was very self-centered and did some pretty awful things to my mom and yet mom tolerated it and even went so far as to think she was somehow responsible and deserving of it.  She has told me that she spent her entire life just over-looking it and shrugging it off and accepting responsibility for most of it.  

In the last year of my grandma's life some of the comments she made to my mom were just horrible.  She no longer even pretended to be caring or considerate.  It was quite an eye opener for my mom. It was extremely difficult to continue her role as her caregiver knowing her mom's true feelings for her.  Now that grandma has passed it has left my mom very angry not only at her mom, but at herself for not having seen her more clearly sooner. I hope our children don't tolerate the abuse their entire lives.

Quoting Fayanne:

dd was pretty close to skipping wedding ceremony stuff altogether and eloping. Long story short, ex accused dd of stealing his identity to take out a student loan in his name, after receiving what I am pretty sure was probably a tax document about a parent loan he'd screwed up the year before. Dd saw him at her sister's bb game, and tried to explain. He blew up at her in the middle of the school lobby, and publically declared he wanted nothing more to do with her. Somehow, she managed to regain a relationship with him.. mostly for his mother's sake,  I think.  ... A few months ago while dd was in a work meeting, she saw her father's truck pull into her work parking lot, and she started shaking so much, even her co-workers noticed. She has tried to explain over and over to friends and co-workers what a shitshow he is capable of creating. They didn't begin to see how bad it was/is until that day, but they still don't really get it.

STILL, she is willing to do a ceremony and have her father walk her down the aisle.  Deep down, somewhere inside, I think there is still that little girl that wants her father to be there, despite everything he's done to her.

Good luck to you and dd... hopefully things go smoothly.

Quoting Goobergal:

Yeah it's kind of what I am thinking.  I wouldnt say NO to HIS ticket.  But any extras, no.  I think she's more hurt about his response than she is about whether he's there or not.  I think knowing he cared enough to come is enough and she likely wouldnt want to spend loads of time with him.  He was the one who was her PTSD trigger. Just the sight of his car set her off.


We dont have much planned.  Likely just some dinner to celebrate.  It's just us.

Quoting Fayanne:

She wants him there. There is one ticket available for him. End of story.

 I get where you are coming from, I do, completely. But, she wants him there. One ticket only.

No invites to after parties. He's in charge of orchestrating that with dd, and it is not to interfere with what you already have planned.



Proud mommy to 3 and goober's butterfly 

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Mar. 14, 2018 at 10:41 AM

"Sadly the role of parent carries the power to hold that control over the love for life as opposed to a spouse who you can eventually evict.  Thus we have to empower the kids and allow them to be kind to the other parent while putting the brakes on them as well."

Boy, that's it in a nutshell. Kind of makes me ill just to think about it.  A lifetime of this sh*t.  Ugh.

Oliviasmom72
by Member on Mar. 14, 2018 at 11:33 AM
1 mom liked this

So much of this is out of your control so why worry?

He's the Dad...give him 1 ticket and that is it.

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