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UPDATE .. it's been a long couple of years but I'm surviving this and court date is soon I have a question though

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2018 at 1:01 PM
  • 6 Replies

March 26 is our first hearing. I have survived with the help of family and a few close friends ( the ones who refused to believe the Narcs slander campaign) 4 months in the same home. Cut off of all money,credit cards ext. As well as more verbal assaults and threats then I ever  imagined I could endure . Knowing he is out spending money like water believing he is 20 again and single lol he is 49. But as court approaches he sees that it is going to happen. He even remarked a few weeks ago how by now I have cooled off and we are back to normal..

number 1 guess he did not listen when I said he had crossed my line and I would be leaving and not looking back for my own safety and mental health and secondly he was used to me being so codependent to his Narc abuse I would eventually absorb all fault and out of dispear and loneliness as well as being cut off of money beg for forgiveness and try to "do better" It is amazing how I can look at him for what he is and how he works. I no longer need his approval and he is not doing so well any longer. It takes money for him to have  companionship.  He has to find some kind a companion online get them to meet up with him hope he can charm them even if it's a tinder for adult friend finder hook up it's still costing a hotel room and dinner I on the other hand can get in the car go to my friends house and just be as long as I need to . Every time I leave here soon and then I find that to killer really interesting I neither confirm nor deny I gave him no information at all but I'll tell you ladies my children could have been with me at anytime I was any place other than home and that's the honest truth not because I'm holding my marriage is some kind of secret box but because I know I need time to heal  it would actually be an arduous experience to sit across the table from some man and try to have a decent conversation I could care less about a man at this point maybe down the road but certainly not now . So I just wanted to let you all know where I currently am at and how things are and folding and how I believed and trusted in much of your advice and all of your support and it is true we are able to move on from this I do have a question for you all .


 So he is trying a little different approach for the last four months it's been the silent treatment coming and going maybe being home maybe not, very little interaction now all of a sudden he started to tell me things like 

 "Going to the dentist be back in an hour or two "I think what he is looking for is for me to start giving him information on my comings and going's a part of me thinks throw him a bone but another part of me thinks just keep doing you what do you ladies think about that ?


thanks again for all of your support all of your wisdom


CIE

by on Mar. 15, 2018 at 1:01 PM
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Replies (1-6):
anonomomma
by Member on Mar. 15, 2018 at 1:37 PM
2 moms liked this
Girl just keep your eye on the prize and ignore is text or say ok and walk away if he is talking to you. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why he does things.
cie
by Member on Mar. 15, 2018 at 2:11 PM
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Quoting anonomomma: Girl just keep your eye on the prize and ignore is text or say ok and walk away if he is talking to you. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why he does things.

I thought so.  I think I just felt like I was keeping the hostility going but in truth there is nothing I can do to ramp this down. He will always turn it upside down when he wants too.. thank you

anonomomma
by Member on Mar. 15, 2018 at 2:17 PM
2 moms liked this
It's hard to break cycles, but you have come too far to get sucked back in. Less is more.

Quoting cie:

Quoting anonomomma: Girl just keep your eye on the prize and ignore is text or say ok and walk away if he is talking to you. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why he does things.

I thought so.  I think I just felt like I was keeping the hostility going but in truth there is nothing I can do to ramp this down. He will always turn it upside down when he wants too.. thank you

tottaxi
by Battle Weary on Mar. 15, 2018 at 9:50 PM
1 mom liked this

Reality is probably sinking in.  It's been fun and games for him when he felt he was in the driver's seat.  Now he has lost control and is trying hard to normalize the situation so that he can regain some power.  It's no fun being out of the loop.

I totally get that you can't wrap your head around the idea of another relationship right now.  That's a very good thing.  It was well over a year before it even occurred to me to have a date.  Honestly, I am remarried and still don't feel a NEED for a relationship that requires dependency.  I am going to remain autonomous until the day I die.  I will never be able to turn over that level of control to someone else ever again.  I'm sure I'm not easy to live with, but tough sh*t.  Take me as I am or don't take me at all.  I learned to set boundaries maybe for the first time in my life and it has carried over even into my work and my friendships.  Soon you will realize what a fierce woman you truly are and that feeling is powerful.

Anonomomma is right about not trying to figure out why he does what he does.  You are sane.  He's a mess.  You'll never be able to relate to such a chaotic mind.

One thing that you will develop more than ever before is your ability to listen carefully and identify the bullshit as it is being delivered.  You'll be able to pause and give a considered, logical response instead of having to sift through all the possible scenarios that had to be weighed before speaking because of fear of some repercussion. His little feelings no longer matter.  You only have to worry about yourself and the best interests of your children.  Clarity is a good thing.

ivf_blessed
by Member on Mar. 16, 2018 at 2:26 PM
1 mom liked this

Great advice from the others.  Keep doing what you are doing & don't look back.  He will never change and it's best you move on.

When you are ready to date again, at least you will know what you won't put up with anymore.

Good luck!

cie
by Member on Mar. 16, 2018 at 2:46 PM


Quoting tottaxi:

Reality is probably sinking in.  It's been fun and games for him when he felt he was in the driver's seat.  Now he has lost control and is trying hard to normalize the situation so that he can regain some power.  It's no fun being out of the loop.

I totally get that you can't wrap your head around the idea of another relationship right now.  That's a very good thing.  It was well over a year before it even occurred to me to have a date.  Honestly, I am remarried and still don't feel a NEED for a relationship that requires dependency.  I am going to remain autonomous until the day I die.  I will never be able to turn over that level of control to someone else ever again.  I'm sure I'm not easy to live with, but tough sh*t.  Take me as I am or don't take me at all.  I learned to set boundaries maybe for the first time in my life and it has carried over even into my work and my friendships.  Soon you will realize what a fierce woman you truly are and that feeling is powerful.

Anonomomma is right about not trying to figure out why he does what he does.  You are sane.  He's a mess.  You'll never be able to relate to such a chaotic mind.

One thing that you will develop more than ever before is your ability to listen carefully and identify the bullshit as it is being delivered.  You'll be able to pause and give a considered, logical response instead of having to sift through all the possible scenarios that had to be weighed before speaking because of fear of some repercussion. His little feelings no longer matter.  You only have to worry about yourself and the best interests of your children.  Clarity is a good thing.

Thank you...Yes it is a new me and a new outlook..I speak freely and dont worry about his feelings at all it is my truth even if he can not see past the end of his nose..He actually left the home because he thought I was trying to get him to "lose his temper" by having a conversation on the phone that he interpreted to be something it was not....really?? I will not police my life simply becasue he choses to listin in and then derive some crazy story out of what he hears...I did tell our children we are divorcing. That infuriated him. But I have asked several times for him to sit with me and speak to them..He says he is to busy...working to much,,,,doesnt have the time...so I sat with our sons ages 16 and 19 to let them know the truth and that they were the priority and we would all be alright ext...He pretty much flipped but held his cool and left...He keeps saying he is taking notes and I tell him it is all hearsay and I have my side and my notes aswell...it is so infuriating that they see themselves as these great dads...when all they are concerned about is that CS check being as low a possible...but case in point he gets angry today and simply packs up and leaves..I cooked and cleaned and have food out for dinner and make sure all my bases are covered before I go to my moms home to pack up more of her things for donation...I am sure he will write that I was gone and left the kids alone..funny how they are children when I leave and adults when he does...LOL

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