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Advice Needed!

Posted by on May. 27, 2011 at 1:27 AM
  • 9 Replies

I have been a step mother for 9 years and I thought that my relationship with my step daughter (who is now 15) was pretty good until I found a note in the laundry about how awful I am. Also, I have discovered that my step daughter is making plans to try to live with her "real" mother. "Real" mother is not able to really take care of step daughter but step daughter seems to think that her dad stole her away from her "real" mother. - which is not the case. Step daughter tries to manipulate her father.I am at wits end with trying to figure out what to do about step daughter manipulating and where I stand with her. I can't have children so she is all I will ever get to have. When someone comments on how good a mother I am to step daughter, she corrects them or ignores the ccomments. It hurts to know that the time and effort I have put into building a relationship with step daughter has been thrown out because I am not the one who gave physical birth to her. Any advice on how to handle this?

by on May. 27, 2011 at 1:27 AM
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Replies (1-9):
peanut081981
by on May. 27, 2011 at 5:32 AM

I would remember that even if she WERE with her real mom, she'd be telling her real mom that she hated her (probably) and still doing all this other stuff, because that's what teenagers DO. They don't know how they really feel. Don't be so hard on yourself. She'll come around. I know it's not great advice, but try to stay positive.

mallowcup17
by on May. 27, 2011 at 12:22 PM

i agree. some of this sounds like teenage behavior and the part about living with her "real" mom sounds like an out and i think all teens at one point or another want an "out" to their situation because like peanut said they don't truly understand the situation and their feelings, nevermind the whole picture. stay positive. 

Quoting peanut081981:

I would remember that even if she WERE with her real mom, she'd be telling her real mom that she hated her (probably) and still doing all this other stuff, because that's what teenagers DO. They don't know how they really feel. Don't be so hard on yourself. She'll come around. I know it's not great advice, but try to stay positive.


ArmyWife0606
by on May. 27, 2011 at 2:20 PM

Totally agree with the other posters.  When I was 15, I hated my mom and she was the worst mom on the planet...but in reality, she was a great mom, not perfect (but who is?) but still a great mom.  I really think this is all just teenage drama. I think the only reason she wants to go to BM is because it's an 'out' from where she is.  I have a good friend who went back and forth between her mom and dad's houses everytime things got tough...she had a fight with dad so went to moms...had a fight with mom so went to dad's and so on....

I know it sucks, but try not to take it personally, momma.  Maybe try to do a 'girls day' and get mani-pedis or something and see if that helps a little

lilangilyn
by on May. 27, 2011 at 5:16 PM

I hated my mom in my later teen years. But once I went away to college, I came back around. This is painful for you because there is all that added emotional stuff in there about her dad stealing her away. One can't steal one's own child unless that child was a victim of paental kidnapping.

Sounds like she has learned to push a lot of buttons. Just roll your eyes or ignore.

CountryStrong84
by Member on May. 27, 2011 at 7:07 PM

 I think every teenager hates the mother figure in their life in some way, at some point.  Just keep being who you are, and it will all come out in the wash.

4kidsmomma4life
by on May. 27, 2011 at 7:49 PM

I agree with the others about the typical, yet still unacceptable, teenage behavior.  I do understand how you feel though.  It stings extra bad when my adopted daughter says something snotty or complains about her life.  It isn't fair to her though because she's just being like everyone else.

MandyJ.
by on May. 28, 2011 at 11:28 AM

Talk to her. Don't yell at her. Tell her not get mad and start yelling at you(even tho she might) because you want to fix your relationship with her. But if she was living with her real mom she would probably be saying how awful she is and would be waiting to live with you and her dad.

jlynn15
by on May. 29, 2011 at 9:25 PM

THanks you all! I really appreciate all your advice :)

Laf67
by on May. 30, 2011 at 3:21 AM
Hang in there and try not to take it personal, although I know from experience that that is so hard to do. My SD was 16 when I married her dad and she was rewarded by her BM to cause problems. We went through several years of hardship and I thought things would never be good, however, when she turned 20 she started acting different. She was kinder and more mature. Now that she is 24 things are really good and we enjoy spending time together. (at least I think so)

I personally would encourage your SD to have a relationship with her BM and let her find out on her own that her BM is not the perfect person she is making her out to be. She will grow up and mature and realize that you were the one who loved without giving her guilt trips as I'm sure the BM is doing. She will realize down the road how special you are and be closer to you for it.

Someone gave me great advise when I married into a blended family. She told me to give all that I could without any resentments. Meaning, don't do anything or go out of your way if you will regret doing so whatever the outcome will be. I do kind things for all the members of my family because it makes me feel good about myself, but I also have healthy boundaries as well to protect myself and those around me.

Be strong and stay true to yourself and love will prevail.
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