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Exhausted and trying to regain footing

Posted by on May. 28, 2011 at 9:10 AM
  • 10 Replies

Hello all, My name is Erica and I have been a loving step-mom to two kids for 3 years now. My boy is 12 and my girl is 14. I am from Canada and relocated to the US. My children's biological mother is a drug/sex addict and has been out of prison for 5 months now. Due to this unfortunate situation I have found that I have been the only real mother these kids have ever had. My husband has had sole custody of the kids since they were quite small due to the mothers meth addiction and the neglect it caused. My daughter is the biological child of my husband and said mother however.. my son is the biological child of said mother and another man who abandoned him shortly after he was born. When she got caught using meth with my son (a baby) in the back seat they also found that my daughter was back at the mothers home with a convicted felon who was also found to be in possesion/creating meth. The police took both of the kids and when they asked her if there was any other family ie:fathers in picture to take the children, she had lied and said there wasn't forcing the police to put the children in foster care. My husband had to spend almost 2 years to fight to get custody of his daughter and at long last he finally won. On the day that he was granted custody they informed him that noone had come forward to take Tanner and they asked if there would be any way that he could. My husband without hesitation stepped up and took custody of Tanner and has been raising him as his own ever since.

I have tried to befriend their mother, council her, offer her advice on how to be a better mother. I gave her a makeover and half the clothes in my closet. I have cooked her dinner and babysat her other children for her. I have tried to keep her involved by making schedules of kids sports etc. Not to mention, I have been there for her kids and all that they have been put through. The problem is that she is still an addict, she isnt using meth but is using other drugs and as im sure many of you know ... addicts are amoung the most selfish people on the planet and because she always puts herself first a this repeatedly is causing my kids intense emotional pain. Especially my son. She refuses to step up and be a mom to these kids she instead has become abusive to me because I AM being a mom to these kids. In addition she has now drug both the children into inappropriate conversations leaving the kids confused and upset. She basically has tried to drill it into these kids heads (especially Tanner) that we arent their real parents or thier real family and that she is all they have yet she has done nothing to get a job or a house or a life and everyday that she spends drinking and doing drugs is a day that these kids feel rejected. I'm sorry for the long post. I'm just emotional and drained and wondering if there are any other step-moms dealing with same situation.

by on May. 28, 2011 at 9:10 AM
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by on May. 28, 2011 at 9:51 AM

Your situation is a very bad one. It sounds like she needs supervised visitation only. That would stop the "drilling" that she is doing to the kids. It would have to be court ordered. If they were my children, I would begin the paperwork right away. Addicts are selfish people.

Please stop doing nice things for her. I know this sounds harsh but you shouldn't give her your clothes, or baby sit her other children, or any of the other nice things you are doing. It is a form of enabling. Also, as you can see your being nice did not stop her form abusing you. Nor will it.

Put your energy into things that you can have some measure of control over, like helping your husband with the paperwork that it is going to take to ask for supervised visitation through the courts.

If you do that, I think you will feel power over your own situation.

by on May. 28, 2011 at 10:22 AM

As of current, we have no formal visitation set up through the courts because she signed off all parental rights. Recently due to the emotional issues our son was facing we decided that she was only to see him in our home and to speak with him while we were present. I agree that our next step is to set up supervised visitation. As far as being nice to her, that has stopped. I had a conversation with her 2 months ago and told her that if she steps up and acts like a real mother to the kids then she would have my full support, without judgement or prejudice but if she were to continue to be a deadbeat I would absolutely not support her in any way. Thank you for your reply, I agree with what you said.

by on Sep. 15, 2013 at 9:35 PM

Bless you for taking on this responsibility of step parenting.  I am glad that you have stepped away from doing her favors.  You are also putting yourself at great risk by having her other children with you at all.  Let her take the steps on her own to get visitation and I agree to make sure that visits are supervised.  It's all about choices and it would seem that she hasn't and still isn't making good ones.  the children seem to be getting hurt when they see her.  You need to do what is in the best interest of the children, even if that means they don't see their mom.  

by on Sep. 15, 2013 at 10:04 PM
If she signed away rights do you have to let her see them? I'm not sure how that goes. I wouldn't allow her around them if not. If she wants to see her kids she should sober up and quit hurting them. It's a slap in the face and she's an ungrateful bitch. Dh did not have to take that child and he stepped up. Kudos to both of you.
by Bronze Member on Sep. 15, 2013 at 11:01 PM
Are the kids in therapy ?
by Ruby Member on Sep. 15, 2013 at 11:15 PM
1 mom liked this

Why did this get bumped?

by on Sep. 16, 2013 at 8:57 AM

 is she signed over rights, why is she even seeing them at all? do you have to allow her any visitation anymore? talk to a lawyer and see if you have to. also, get those kids into therapy. they've been through a lot and a therapist can help them.

by on Sep. 16, 2013 at 8:59 AM

 lol i didn't even notice this is so old. there are a lot of old posts being bumped

Quoting pdxmum:

Why did this get bumped?


by on Sep. 16, 2013 at 9:04 AM
Maybe it's that same Erica who posted recently that she has 2 teenage stepchildren & she wants to hire a cleaning service? I know that doesn't explain why it was bumped, but the posters seem similar. Just an observation.
Quoting pdxmum:

Why did this get bumped?

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Sep. 16, 2013 at 9:24 AM

I know this is an old post, but my reply is, this woman is a drug addict with obvious mental issues. Why are you applying normal standards to her?  You are expecting a level of behavior from her which is inconsistent with her condition.

Stop judging her for not stepping up and being a good mother. She will never do that. You are wasting your energy, judging her for that. Accept her as she is, and go abour your life. If she could be a good mother, she would be, and your husband would not have sole custody. It is what it is.

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