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Advice if any?

Posted by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 10:40 PM
  • 9 Replies

 I'm alittle frustrated today with the Skids.  Not because of them per say but because of the way their mother raises them.  They do what they want there.  SD tells mom what she's going to do.  SS is starting to act the same way, he's only 2.  SD pushing more buttons lately.  For example: SD says " Cole (my name is nicole but that is what she calls me) get me a drink now!  I have to constantly remind her all day that is not how you ask for stuff.  Another example

SD-Cole, I want nuggies for dinner

Me-No Julee, pick something else. That's all you ever want

SD-That's all I like and I want them

Me- Well, you have to eat other kinds of food.  I know mommy gives you whatever you want but not at daddys.  How about grilled cheese or hot dogs?

SD- I'll have grilled cheese for lunch tomorrow and I don't like hot dogs

Me- Okay on the lunch for tomorrow but I think hot dogs on the grill would be good.  I know you like hot dogs

SD-I want nuggies and I'm not eating hot dogs

Me- Well then you'll go hungry

Then she goes to her dad and pulls the same BS!!  Good thing he came to ask me what I thought about dinner and didn't just give in to her demanding crap..

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 10:40 PM
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Replies (1-9):
LiliM
by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:09 PM

I have picky eaters.  Here is how I handle it.

1) No kid gets shit without proper manners.  From what you post, there are not any proper manners.  So that changes ASAP.

2) Here is dinner.  You may have A, or a PBJ.  Those are your options.  My ODS has sensory issues, and my YDS rode on his coattails, so I gave up the dinner struggle.  Now, they get what we eat, or a PBJ.  I do use less spicy seasoning with their portions, but other than that, you eat what everyone else does or a PBJ or go hungry.  They do not go hungry.  Usually, a PBJ and some of the main meal are consumed.  Don't fight this, 

3) STOP BARGAINING!  Kids are eagle eyed vultures for any weakness on our part.  Keep saying No, here are your choices.  Make sure DH is on board with this, or you will crash and burn. But NO bargaining, or wheedling (I know you like hot dogs). 

4) SAY NOTHING ABOUT MOM'S HOUSE!!!! NOTHING!!!! That is not anywhere you want to go.  It only makes things more adversariel.  My SD, as she got older, used to say, about various and sundry things. "Well, MY MOM does it THIS way."  All I would say is, "Well, good.  There are lots of different ways to do everything.  This way works best for me."

Don't go there.  Don't do it.  I ignored the invite for conflict.  You are handing it out.  Take it back, and make no more comments about moms.

This is, IMPO, normal kid behavior, and made more shitty by the fact it's your skids.

LWhite85
by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:37 PM

My SS thought for the longest time that I poisoned his food so he wouldn't eat it if he knew I made it. I used to get upset. Then I gave up getting upset and said "fine, then you don't get anything." The fear of going hungry was enough for him. And after a few months of eating my food and not getting poisoned, he moved on. But it's still hard to get him to not go "arrrrrrgh" everytime we DON'T have grilled cheese. It is his favorite but that's all his BM makes him so he thinks it's fine to have only that every night. Very frustrating.

nmaxwell816
by on Jun. 5, 2011 at 12:33 AM

 Thanks girl.  Any other advice is welcome

maybaby22
by on Jun. 5, 2011 at 12:52 AM
Be consistent on the manners and I agree with the other mom- don't give her options to pick other things. Say we are having _____ for dinner. If you don't care for that I'll make you a peanut butter sandwich and there will be no snacks, treats etc for the evening. Also, instead of saying "i know mommy gives you what you want" just say "at our house we dont eat nuggies every night for dinner so you will eat what Im making".
AngryBob
by Member on Jun. 5, 2011 at 1:22 AM


Quoting LiliM:

 Kids are eagle eyed vultures for any weakness on our part.


this line made my laugh my ass off.

this was really good advice, op. you're giving the skids waaaaay too much to bargain with. my ss wouldn't voice his opinion, though - he'd just make himself THROW UP. so gross!!!! so the second he started to gag, i told him he needed to stop, or he was going to bed. funny, his dad would always tell me that he couldn't help himself, but we found out real quick that it was all voluntary.

also, when someone demands something of me, i give the evil eye, and i tell them they'd better figure out quick how to speak nicely, or they're going to spend plenty of time in their rooms. your sd KNOWS how to speak nicely to you. she may slip because she's used to it, but she'll never learn to speak that way to you first if she's given the answer, and can parrot it back. making her think for the answer will make hert hink twice about the way she addresses you.

pseudomamma
by Silver Member on Jun. 5, 2011 at 6:48 AM

Wow.  This is all great advice and I agree with every bit of it.  The only thing I can add is make sure you let DH know how you intend to handle things from here forward.  If you two do not present a united front, they will divide and conquer.

closetmom
by on Jun. 5, 2011 at 8:00 AM

To be honest, this sounds like typical behavior for kids that age. You just deal with it, using good parenting, and it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing. Who's to say BM doesnt handle it the same way you are handling it? The kids probably pull the same stuff on her too. I wouldn't focus on blaming BM. It's just what kids to at that age do, and now is the time to teach them manners, which you are doing.

 

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 5, 2011 at 8:35 AM
My 2 year old is the same, my 3 year has started to even correct him with how he asks for things and he says it then and then soon after demands again. Have some patience with them at this stage and I give my kids options which includes some of what they want and some of what I want them to eat. Lots of patience is required for dealing with this age group.
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momofspuds
by on Jun. 5, 2011 at 12:00 PM

I agree with the above posts to a point.

Kids will behave the way that they are expected to behave.  Do you think your SD goes to school or to a resturant and demands that she get this or that or the other?  I really doubt that.  Do you think that she would be allowed to walk into a store and just eat whatever she wanted?  No because she has been taught (by society, mom, dad, stepmom, grandma, grandpa, whoever) that this behavior is not acceptable. 

That said, you and your DH need to set some firm ground rules on manners.  I for one don't care whose child (or adult for that matter) is at my house, whether they are a guest, my ss or any of my kids, they are expected to follow the rules. ESPECIALLY manners.  If you want me to get you something, you say, "please".  If I give you something, you say, "thank you".  If I say, "thank you", then I expect you to say "your welcome" or at the very least acknowledge my "thank you". 

In our house, manners are used regardless of who you are.  Parents or kids.  BM doesn't care if our son uses manners and she doesn't use them either.  Which is sad because he gets uninvited from things or doesn't get invited because of their behavior.  Oh well.  When he is here, he is expected to behave properly.   Yes we went through the phase of "well my biological mom lets me".  That was quickly nipped in the bud with "well those are not the rules here and you have to follow the rules here."  Then BM got in the middle of it and said "I let him do that and you can't punish him for me letting him do it."  Oh yeah?!  I had to spell out that in my house, it is my rules and she has NO SAY on what is done here.  She was such a control freak that we ended up in court over it.   The judge flat told her that it was ridiculous that he would have to tell her to grow up and to stop trying to sabotage our family.

As for the picky eating issue, we had this one too. Our son only wanted to eat "Donald fries" because that is what his BM would go out and buy him every time he threw a fit.  Well DH and I made it very clear that we were not going to allow that in our home or during our parenting time.  So then began the whole "I don't like that" issue.  BM even tried to take it one step farther by claiming that our son was allergic to various foods/ingredients in foods.  We quickly nipped that in the bud when we told BM we needed a doctor's note and test results that outlined what our son was allergic to. (Now this sounds like going over the top, I know. But you have to take into consideration that BM is a habitual liar.  Even our judge put in the court order that she is "untruthful and an unreliable witness".  So without proof, we have a very difficult time believing her on anything.  Further, we have our son almost the same exact amount of time that she does and we eat those foods/ingredients regularly with no problems.  Needlesstosay, she couldn't prove it and that issue dropped.

It then changed to "I don't want to eat that today."  Then it was "you make all the choices on dinner and I don't get to pick."  We must remember that children in general have very few choices and get to have very little control of their lives.  It compounds the problem when the kids are in a blended family situation and have a judge who has to decide everything.  So to end the fight over the food issue, we all sit down once a month or twice a month and write out what we are going to eat at each meal.  Everyone gets a say in what is decided on.  For example: Monday of Week One, DH gets to pick the main course for breakfast, I pick the drink (the kids are required to have a glass of milk with either breakfast or dinner everyday PERIOD, END OF DISCUSSION), SS picks the side dish, DS picks a side dish.  If my hubby picks cereal (which happens a lot) then everyone else's choices have to complement the cereal.  Such as, apple slices, toast and orange juice or milk.

Our meal chart is then posted on the fridge and that is what we go by.  Now this isn't set in stone at our house because quite frankly, planning meals a month out, sometimes we just don't feel like having tacos for dinner on Wed of Week 3.  So it can only be changed with something (by a family vote) from a different night that we have not had yet.  So we could switch it with Fri of Week 3 for example.  We switch the whole meal (no breaking it apart).  This way, everyone has a voice and everyone gets a choice however small it may be.  This is also important in my home because my DS has a lot of food allergies and so we have to make sure that we have items on the menu that he can eat and that provide him with a balanced diet.  It also eliminates the "What's for dinner?" drama that seems to be so common.

That is my advise like I always say, you can take it or leave it.  Best of luck to you.

 

 


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