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Needing some advice.

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:14 PM
  • 6 Replies

Hi, I have been with my hubby and a step mom to his 12 year old son for 10 years.  He lived most of his life in a different state than us being raised by his grandparents (not by our choice).  He recently moved in with us and started the 7th grade. He is not handling a new school very well. One of the problems is he doesn't want to be here and is being forced. His grandmother (on his moms side) wants him back with her and is telling him about all the stuff he is missing and whatnot. That makes him feel even worse and cries himself to sleep every night.  My hubby is a truck driver and is gone a lot.  I feel bad for saying it but, it is kinda awkward when it is just him and I and his two sisters ( my and my hubby's girls). I don't know what to say or do because I know he doesn't want to be here but has to. He doesn't like to talk about what he feels and is going on.  It is very stressful on everyone involved.  Especially him and I because I don't like telling him what to do and how to do it plus, my hubby tells me to do things this way and that way but, he isn't home very often and I don't want to change for my stepson. I want to keep doing the things I do the way I like to do them. I don't think we should adjust to the child I think he needs to adjust to us. Things are just really bad, I'm afraid we will make him hate us for making him stay here but, he needs to be raised by atleast one parent and his mothe is not capable right now and is on the same page as us. I dont' really know what I am asking I guess. Just some advice or support. Thanks.


Update: I asked how school went today and he said "good". We are making progress at school!


by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:14 PM
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Replies (1-6):
ShannaBee
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:57 PM
Have you tried doing things with him that he likes? That way you all can bond and he'll see that being with you and Dad is fun. Have playdates so he can make friends at his new school.
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truly.a.taurus
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:15 PM
Try to get him involved at home and with youth/sports groups. Was dh able to spend time at home to ease the transition. He is a preteen in a new state and school. Is he in counseling? Thats a big transition for a developing preteen. Do you know what he enjoys?
makie2
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 8:44 AM

He is not in counseling but, I'm thinking he needs it.  He likes video games and that is about it. We live a good 30 mins from the school and from town. He was used to living in town and riding his bike to school and friends houses.  He was the only child in MN and now he has 2 sisters to compete with.  It's sounds really mean and selfish but, I kinda wish he would go back to MN but, that isn't an option.  Hopefully he will make a few new friends at school. We tell him to be positive and be patient.  It is only the 3rd day of school and he will meet people but, he has such a bad attitude about it that it is just making it harder. Thanks for you ideas.

Ms.Gwen
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 8:48 AM
I think you two should go to therapist. A therapist can guide and open lines of communication between you and teach this boy how to communicate his feelings in a positive way.
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mikiemom
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 8:54 AM

You should let your dh read this post and then let him make a decsion about where the cihld belongs. It must be very difficult for the child being ripped away from every one he knows.

Counseling is the best option for him.

Quoting makie2:

He is not in counseling but, I'm thinking he needs it.  He likes video games and that is about it. We live a good 30 mins from the school and from town. He was used to living in town and riding his bike to school and friends houses.  He was the only child in MN and now he has 2 sisters to compete with.  It's sounds really mean and selfish but, I kinda wish he would go back to MN but, that isn't an option.  Hopefully he will make a few new friends at school. We tell him to be positive and be patient.  It is only the 3rd day of school and he will meet people but, he has such a bad attitude about it that it is just making it harder. Thanks for you ideas.


makie2
by on Aug. 18, 2011 at 9:19 AM

It is very hard on him. My DH has been trying to get custody back for 8 years. He had physical but, his grandparents took him to MN and convinced his mom to take it all back to court. MN is a screwed up state that think that the children should ONLY be with the mother. That is such bs.  Some fathers are way more capable to raise children.  My SS mom hasn't lived with her son since he was an infant. Her mom has raised him totally illegally because she had to rights and when we were paying child support it went to BM even though he didn't live there. Anyways, my DH finally has the opportunity and raise his child and it just isn't working out.  But, you HAVE to think of the child, not yourself.

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