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Question About Involvement...

Posted by on Sep. 1, 2011 at 11:47 AM
  • 236 Replies

I asked this in another thread... another poster brought it up as well.

If mom is involved, doing her thing, taking care of her kids... why is it seen as if she is controlling if she doesn't want the SMs help?   Isn't that the ideal parent?  Someone who does take care of their children instead of having someone else do it? 

I get that we all need help at some point, but if mom says "I got this" and only asks for help from people she wants help from when she needs it, (but never SM) is that a bad thing really? 

To put it another way... My oldest is 10.  I've done pretty much everything for her and her brother for the last ten years.  My ex helped out when he felt like it.  If he felt like it.  Why SHOULD I take help from someone I don't want help from, need help from?  Pretend my ex found someone nice and isn't who is with now... why should I care if they feel they need to help me out?  What would be the point in me not doing what I've been doing for years now so that another woman can jump in somewhere?

"To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society." - Theodore Roosevelt
by on Sep. 1, 2011 at 11:47 AM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Sep. 1, 2011 at 11:49 AM
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I never had a problem with it when BM had it covered in her home.  In my home, DH and I had it covered.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 1, 2011 at 11:51 AM

What kind of help are you talking about? I never asked my ex's wife for help with anything. Can you give an example?

mikiemom
by on Sep. 1, 2011 at 11:58 AM

Ds's sm will never be ask by me to help in any way. If will never ask his father for help again because she acted as if I were treating him like a babysitter. Therefore he will never be offered extra time again. He gets nothing outside of what is Co'd thanks to his wife.

jessiesluv
by on Sep. 1, 2011 at 12:00 PM

 Word.

Quoting WifeyC:

I never had a problem with it when BM had it covered in her home.  In my home, DH and I had it covered.

 

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 1, 2011 at 12:01 PM

The only thing I can think of where I'd have to as SM for help would be, like if my car broke down and I needed a ride. But I don't even have her number and have never spoken more than "hello" in the 5 years she's been around so think I'd have to exhaust every other possibility first.

Still  not understanding what you mean by wanting SM's help.

packermomof2
by on Sep. 1, 2011 at 12:05 PM
1 mom liked this

The help that a lot of women on these boards complain about... I'm basing it on all the you controlling biddy, I'm just another woman who is here to make sure your kids are cared for...why don't you want me taking the kdis to the doctor, involved in their schools?  Why do you want to keep your own kids when your ex can't keep them instead of me babysitting for him? 

This is paraphrased here, of course... but if mom says she would rather the kids be with her if possible when dad isn't with them, she is controlling.  If mom doesn't see a point the SM being involved in the school?  She is wrong and doesn't understand that it is in her own kids best interest for the SM to be involved.  Things like that.

Ms.Gwen
by on Sep. 1, 2011 at 12:09 PM
3 moms liked this
I think you are asking the wrong question...

Why get upset when someone helps you out?

I can understand getting upset if you are a CBM and you have said to SM it's important to me to do 'a' for my child. And then she turns around and does 'a' with your child. That's messed up! If she knew how you felt and intentionally screwed you over than I understand being upset. If however she does somthing that you perceive as a maternal right but have not clearly and concisely informed her of that than what is the point of getting upset? Worse, if you share custody and half of the week DD is at BFs (who accepts and shares responsibilities with his wife like most married people do) and she does somthing for DD that you think is a maternal right(but you aren't there to do, and must/should be done) what is the point of getting upset? That's alot of wasted energy. Especially if you haven't communicated to them what specifically would hurt your feelings. Even worse, what if BM has no custody and doesn't exercise her visitation or even call her kids on a regular basis? Should SD wait 2 years after her period starts to be told to use a pad and why it's happening to her cause It's BMs right as her mom? I know it's an extreme example, but for some of these skids that is reality. Shouldn't SM have 'the talk' with SD if that is who SD would be most comfortable with out of the available adults in SDs life?


Quoting packermomof2:

I asked this in another thread... another poster brought it up as well.


If mom is involved, doing her thing, taking care of her kids... why is it seen as if she is controlling if she doesn't want the SMs help?   Isn't that the ideal parent?  Someone who does take care of their children instead of having someone else do it? 


I get that we all need help at some point, but if mom says "I got this" and only asks for help from people she wants help from when she needs it, (but never SM) is that a bad thing really? 


To put it another way... My oldest is 10.  I've done pretty much everything for her and her brother for the last ten years.  My ex helped out when he felt like it.  If he felt like it.  Why SHOULD I take help from someone I don't want help from, need help from?  Pretend my ex found someone nice and isn't who is with now... why should I care if they feel they need to help me out?  What would be the point in me not doing what I've been doing for years now so that another woman can jump in somewhere?


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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 1, 2011 at 12:23 PM


Quoting packermomof2:

The help that a lot of women on these boards complain about... I'm basing it on all the you controlling biddy, I'm just another woman who is here to make sure your kids are cared for...why don't you want me taking the kdis to the doctor, involved in their schools?  Why do you want to keep your own kids when your ex can't keep them instead of me babysitting for him? 

This is paraphrased here, of course... but if mom says she would rather the kids be with her if possible when dad isn't with them, she is controlling.  If mom doesn't see a point the SM being involved in the school?  She is wrong and doesn't understand that it is in her own kids best interest for the SM to be involved.  Things like that.


ah. well in terms of taking the child to the doctor, as a BM, I'd rather do it myself than have SM do it. This has never happened to me, obviously, but if my child was in SM's care (Say, Ex was at work or something) and my child needed to go to the doctor, I'd go pick her up, take her to the doctor, and then drop her back off at Ex's. So is that the kind of thing you're talking about? I wouldn't need SM to take her for me, UNLESS for some reason I couldn't get out of work or something. Then in that case I'd ask SM to do it or reschedule it, if SM didn't want to do it.  Does that make me a controlling biddy?

As for SM going to PTCs that wouldn't bother me at all. Her presence would not interfer with what I was there for, which is to gather information on my child.

Obviously also, my skid's mother has never once made any effort to take her children to the doctor on Dh's parenting time. So,  I take them. If she wanted to, she could. But, she doesn't. I don't consider that to be "her asking me for help" though. More, it's DH asking me for help. I know if BM even knows that I am the one taking them. Or maybe she knows but doesn't care.

packermomof2
by on Sep. 1, 2011 at 12:29 PM
2 moms liked this

No... I'm asking the one I want answered.  Why should I take unsolicited, unwanted, unneeded help from someone?  Sm, my mother, the neighbor... if I do not want the help, would rather do something, most things, myself why should I be grateful that some woman thought she was doing me a favor when I didn't want her help? 

Now, if I ask her for it that is one thing... but when I don't ask and I manage just fine?  What is the point in acting like inserting herself where she isn't needed is a good thing?

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Sep. 1, 2011 at 12:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I've never seen a SM say that she should be anything in BMs home or be included at all.  In her home, yeah, SM and DH create her role that has nothing to do with BM.

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