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About ready for her to just go!

Posted by on Oct. 3, 2011 at 8:15 AM
  • 11 Replies

I thought my 12 yr old SD and I had a decent relationship. In fact, if it weren't for me - she wouldn't be in band (with a brand new trombone that we're supposed to make payments on), BETA or FEA. And she's even asking me to go by the school and ask them to test her for TAG. Well, apparently I was wrong. A few months ago, I bought her a prepaid cell phone. We'd been at the school and a lot of her friends had cell phones, so her father and I talked and decided on letting her have one. Maybe it would help her settle in to this school and be able to talk to her friends. Well, she apparently doesn't have any friends because she's never used the cell phone to speak to any of them. Anyway, she's only used it to talk or text BM. Fine. But her father checked her phone at the end of last week and found where she was trash talking him pretty hard (the SD and BM). All this after we've taken on his 3 because BM isn't fit to raise a puppy anymore. Well, he was hurt and I said I'd remove the phone. Obviously (since this isn't the first time) it's been nothing but a disturbance. She stays up late at night texting BM and if we go anywhere as a family, she can't spend 2 seconds without conversing with BM. So anyway, I got the phone and put it away. DH said he was going to have a talk with her about it that evening. He didn't. Then he was going to talk to her about it this weekend, he didn't. Well, now SD had decided that my 6 yr old and I are the cause of all her life's problems. My 6 yr old was boasting to her that she had $5 this weekend and SD got pissed off, even though she has more money. Thing is, all the things SD has done - aggravating the oldest, who's autistic, until she's having a fit, boasting to everyone about how she has more money in her wallet, threatening to hit the other kids if they make her mad - well, all these things my 6 yr old is doing now. Huh. Monkey see, monkey do. But now SD doesn't like it! Now that the shoe's on the other foot, she "hates" her.

I've about had it. This little girl is about as two faced as they come. No shock there since her BM is exactly the same. But I'm ready to just send her back to her mother! Screw it. She thinks her BM hung the moon even though she hasn't even attempted to visit them in the 3 months they've been here. Has never contributed anything (school clothes, child support, school supplies)! But yet she's Ms Perfect.

I don't ask that my SKs think I'm perfect. God knows that I'm not! But I do ask for some respect. SS has shown me respect and we get along great! I thought SD and I got along great too. I just don't know what to do.

 

by on Oct. 3, 2011 at 8:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 3, 2011 at 8:35 AM

wow. You're jealous that your SD loves her mother. That makes her two-faced.

You *did* have a good relationship with her, as her stepmother. Not as her mother. She still loves her mother. If you can't handle that, you will completely destroy the good relationship that you had with her.

TheStepMonster
by on Oct. 3, 2011 at 8:39 AM

How long have they been living with you guys full time?

Here's my 2 cents...

1.  She's 12.  Estrogen is a nasty nasty things and makes even the sanest, most level headed girls turn into 2 headed monsters. 

2.  She's seeking BM's approval, and if she has to get it by trashing you, that's what she's going to do.

3.  Patience, SM, remember she is hurting too :)

Ms.Gwen
by on Oct. 3, 2011 at 9:29 AM
This. She is just a child. Expect her to act childish. Be the adult. Hateing you is helping her to cope. Let her hate you. That is love. That is parenting. That doesn't mean she can disrespect you, but that's where DH comes in. If he isn't backing you up than she will not respect you. Don't forget respect is a 2 way street.


Quoting TheStepMonster:

How long have they been living with you guys full time?

Here's my 2 cents...

1.  She's 12.  Estrogen is a nasty nasty things and makes even the sanest, most level headed girls turn into 2 headed monsters. 

2.  She's seeking BM's approval, and if she has to get it by trashing you, that's what she's going to do.

3.  Patience, SM, remember she is hurting too :)


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MLance12107
by on Oct. 3, 2011 at 9:33 AM

My SD11 is the exact same way. If not for me, she wouldn't have a brand new cellphone (iPhone4 at that) have birthday parties, etc. I'm the one who makes all plans including driving her back and forth to piano lessons since DH works almost 7 days a week at most times. SD11 can be very sweet, respectful, etc..but she does trash talk me with BM. I've found texts, letters that she's written, and notes where she's listed EVERYONE in her family in the "I love them" category and I was the only one listed in the "Retarded" category. Honestly, it doesn't bother me. She's at that age where everything is going to be someone else's fault and I'm an easy target for being married to her Daddy. I don't threaten to take her cellphone or even ASK her about the texts since she is smart enough to be respectful and follow our rules when she's here. It's a part of life as a stepmom and it's exactly what I expect. I'd be extremely worried if there werent' ANY problems to speak of.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 3, 2011 at 10:03 AM

I didn't read anything in the original post that suggests that SD says she hates the OP.

I read that they took her phone away because she was spending too much time talking to her mother.

Ms.Gwen
by on Oct. 3, 2011 at 10:09 AM
She said her SD decided that she and her 6yo were the cause of all her problems. I read that as hateful.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I didn't read anything in the original post that suggests that SD says she hates the OP.


I read that they took her phone away because she was spending too much time talking to her mother.


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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 3, 2011 at 10:24 AM

Without any specific information I read that as typical 12yo behavior. I read nothing about hateful at all. The closest thing I read to hateful was when SD and BM were trashtalking the father (not the SM). Then the phone was taken away, and nothing was even said to the SD about why. The biggest complaint in the original post was that SD texts and talks to her mother too much.

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

She said her SD decided that she and her 6yo were the cause of all her problems. I read that as hateful.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I didn't read anything in the original post that suggests that SD says she hates the OP.


I read that they took her phone away because she was spending too much time talking to her mother.



Ms.Gwen
by on Oct. 3, 2011 at 10:42 AM
Taking the phone away does seem like a silly place to make your stand. It is typical of skids to talk bad about one parent to the other. I don't agree with BM returning the banter though! BM should be in hot water not SD. Can you block her # on that phone and only allow SD to talk to her on the house phone? My skids therapist has directed us to monitor calls over this. It will probobly land us in court but we are headed there for many other reasons allready... It's a tough choice to make. You can't control BM and her involvement with SD without some very serious consequences. You must decide if the juice is worth 'the squeeze? At some point you have to accept that BM can and will screw her kid up. That will effect your home life. How much energy are you willing to put into somthing you can't control? We draw the line where we have to (where the therapist tells us to) and let the rest fall where it will. If that means SS9 hates me(and he does ATM) because BM tells him it's all my fault that she isn't with him than oh well. He will figure it out someday and if he doesn't than he will suffer the consequences of that choice. Not by my hand though. I will love him till he comes around and miss him if he never does.
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maybaby22
by Silver Member on Oct. 3, 2011 at 10:51 AM

Something I try to keep in mind- no matter how SUCKY a mother is their child will love them. I don't know why because sometimes their moms are really awful but it makes no matter. A child will always love their mother. Maybe SD thought talking about dad would make give her and her mom something to bond over- sad but true.

DH needs to step up and be the parent and not put you in that position. 


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 3, 2011 at 10:54 AM

My advice to the OP is, give her the phone back and let her talk to her mother all she wants. As long as she is not texting during dinner or after bed time (or some other time when ANY phone use would be inappropriate), what difference does it make to you? If she's talking badly about her father, that's for her father to address. He knows about it, let him handle it. The fact that he hasn't talked to her about it suggests to me that  it is not all that important to him. But as for SD talking to her mother, just because you don't like BM doesn't mean she (SD) should feel the same way. One good way to screw up your relationship with your SD is to try to get between her and her mother. She will take her mother's side over yours if you try to do that. So, just let it go. In fact, encourage her to talk to her mother. Teenagers always do the opposite of what you tell them to do!

The behaviors with your 6yo sound like typical 12yo behaviors.

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