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My little girl broke my heart today

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Its not her fault though. My youngest SD was having a pretty rough day so I finally sent her to her room to have some alone time. I walked by and said something (I can't remember what but that's not important) and it opened the flood gates. BM hasn't been picking them up for visitation as scheduled so I thought that has been what was getting her down lately. She hasn't said anything else was bothering her. I would try to comfort her about the missed visitations but nothing I have done has helped. Today I found out why. It has nothing to do with the missed visitations, in fact she's been happy not to go and she said when they do go, she always ask BM to take her to grandma's. Her reasoning: BM and new hubby does not like her, BM stays in her bedroom all the time while new hubby "cares" for the kids, new hubby watches TV the whole time does nothing with them, the girls are left to watch 2 yr old sister get her meals make sure she doesn't get into anything she shouldn't dress her take her potty etc, BM refuses to talk to them unless she is trying to get dirt on us, they have to get their own meals prepared if they are there for them because BM doesn't cook and hubby only cooks for himelf and BM, there's hardly ever food there so they skip most meals there, SD feels its her fault BM wants nothing to do with her, she doesn't feel BM loves her or wants her. Thry spent the night with her Friday and they ate 1 meal from Friday afternoon until Saturday afternoon.

I believe every word SD says because these are even complaints her own parents have made against BM. Every roommate she has had, has made the same complaints. She has admitted in court she stays in bed a lot.

It was so hard to not say anything bad about BM when SD was telling me this. But that is something I refuse to do (even though SD informed today she knows when I am saying the truth or when I am trying to make BM look good) There were times I just held her and cried with her. I hate this. There are times I wish BM would disappear again like she has in the past. BUT I am torn about what would be best for them, what they go through now with her or another abandonment from her.

Sorry, I needed to vent somehow.

by on Oct. 3, 2011 at 9:48 PM
Replies (11-18):
rebeccasmly
by on Oct. 5, 2011 at 4:14 PM


Quoting LizzieJane:

 That is heartbreaking. Poor kids! Is the 2 year-old your SD as well, or is she BM's child with the new husband? In either case, I would call CPS just for the safety of your own SDs, but if there is a baby living there full-time then I would be even more concerned for her welfare.

The 2 yr old is not my SD, she does not belong to current husband, in fact BM does not know who the father is. Unfortunately she had 3 guys tested through the courts trying to CS from one of them and none of them came back as the father and as far as I know, she hasn't tried another guy yet. Horrible situation. :(

We have called CPS in the past thinking it was something they would take care of and they told us we need proof before they can go in unless we think there is abuse going on because of the high number of calls they receive. They said if the girls were over there more often or if they were younger (unfortunately they were deemed old enough to "handle things" on their own, they would investigate. They did take a report to keep on file with the other ones we had made. I honestly didn't even think of calling again because of what has happened in the past but I did not think about the 2 yr old living there making all the difference. I'll have to call again even if it just helps that little girl.

LizzieJane
by on Oct. 6, 2011 at 4:37 AM

 

Quoting rebeccasmly:

 

Quoting LizzieJane:

 That is heartbreaking. Poor kids! Is the 2 year-old your SD as well, or is she BM's child with the new husband? In either case, I would call CPS just for the safety of your own SDs, but if there is a baby living there full-time then I would be even more concerned for her welfare.

The 2 yr old is not my SD, she does not belong to current husband, in fact BM does not know who the father is. Unfortunately she had 3 guys tested through the courts trying to CS from one of them and none of them came back as the father and as far as I know, she hasn't tried another guy yet. Horrible situation. :(

We have called CPS in the past thinking it was something they would take care of and they told us we need proof before they can go in unless we think there is abuse going on because of the high number of calls they receive. They said if the girls were over there more often or if they were younger (unfortunately they were deemed old enough to "handle things" on their own, they would investigate. They did take a report to keep on file with the other ones we had made. I honestly didn't even think of calling again because of what has happened in the past but I did not think about the 2 yr old living there making all the difference. I'll have to call again even if it just helps that little girl.

Wow, BM sounds like a classy lady. That's BS that CPS blew you off like that. And yet I hear stories all the time about them following up on calls that were completely unwarranted.... Ugh! Hopefully they'll take notice when you tell them there's a 2 year-old in the house!

Ms.Gwen
by on Oct. 6, 2011 at 8:00 AM
Did you specifically ask for a 'wellness check'? That does not require suspected anything.
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rebeccasmly
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 2:52 PM

Decided to bump this post because it might help the new one I made make a bit more sense.

I'll also update. My girls have not been over there since this incident. The only visitation exercised since this time was done at the grandparent's house. We did call CPS as suggested and explained the situation with the 2 yr old. And when BM came for the last visitation, she told me that they will be moving as soon as they can because it will be better for them financially. She has become a pro at hiding from CPS, she has done it before because they contacted us trying to find her. We still have no clue who called or why. BM moved shortly after that incident also and changed her phone number (we provided both to CPS as requested). If any of you are praying people, please pray for this 2 yr old. I honestly don't know what happens when m girls are not there but I hope she is taken care of properly, even though BM has told me the 2 yr old has to stay in her room because she gets into too much of their stuff (BM's and hubby's).

Ms.Gwen
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 3:04 PM
This is a really fd up sitch. I have 2 skids with RAD because their BM has a similar mentality to the one your dealing with. The great thing about dealing with a (probobly) borderline BM is they can be manipulated by their own need to keep the charad going... For us involving a therapist has made a world of difference. BM knows she is being watched closely by a proffessional. She still causes drama but the therapist sees through her BS and will testify... That scares BM straight for the most part. In your case, BM seems to be fearful of CPS. Use that to your skids advantage. Try the therapist as well. But for now I doubt you will hear from that BM for a bit. Relax and enjoy the peace. When she returns call CPS with her new location. As long as you keep her on the run and on her toes she has to treat the skids well.
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momNstinks
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 3:05 PM

 Wow! My heart breaks for that baby.

Quoting rebeccasmly:

even though BM has told me the 2 yr old has to stay in her room because she gets into too much of their stuff (BM's and hubby's).

 

newstepmom61811
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 3:11 PM
My SD hates her visits with BM too and wants them terminated when she's of age in about 6 months. I like you tried to put a good spin on the visits. Kids know the reality, the misery, they're living it. I found it better for my SD to validate her feelings, not put a good spin on it but reassure her the visits were short, she would come back to us, and nothing would change in our home. I did little things, made sure fresh sheets were on her bed when she came back, full hot meal on the table, and a family movie rented or a family board game for us to play the night the kids all returned to all reconnect and feel good, everyone settles back in happy and comfortable, at least it seems to me. And I let her vent, reassure her I'm an ear any time and that some day when she's older she'll get the chance to deal with her mom on all this but not to worry or try right now. I do tell my SD to talk to her mom about her feelings, I'm hoping for a little breakthrough, her BM has a right to know, SD has a right to tell her her feelings then it's up to BM to work on the relationship with he daughter. No matter what, I'm here, just to be there for SD.


Quoting rebeccasmly:

She is acting more like her normal self after our talk. She was holding it all in because she didn't want to upset me because I am always trying to put a positive spin on the visitations and the fun they can have over there and all. She didn't want me to be upset because she doesn't want to go anymore. Unfortunately she still has 2 yrs before she can make those decisions herself. That made me feel horrible though because I pride myself on how open my relationships with my children are and then I hear she was afraid to talk to me.


Quoting Angelknot8:

That is sad, Have you talked to dh about it? Maybe take sd to see a  therapist?



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brendafrenda
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 3:36 PM

Great advice!

Quoting newstepmom61811:

My SD hates her visits with BM too and wants them terminated when she's of age in about 6 months. I like you tried to put a good spin on the visits. Kids know the reality, the misery, they're living it. I found it better for my SD to validate her feelings, not put a good spin on it but reassure her the visits were short, she would come back to us, and nothing would change in our home. I did little things, made sure fresh sheets were on her bed when she came back, full hot meal on the table, and a family movie rented or a family board game for us to play the night the kids all returned to all reconnect and feel good, everyone settles back in happy and comfortable, at least it seems to me. And I let her vent, reassure her I'm an ear any time and that some day when she's older she'll get the chance to deal with her mom on all this but not to worry or try right now. I do tell my SD to talk to her mom about her feelings, I'm hoping for a little breakthrough, her BM has a right to know, SD has a right to tell her her feelings then it's up to BM to work on the relationship with he daughter. No matter what, I'm here, just to be there for SD.


Quoting rebeccasmly:

She is acting more like her normal self after our talk. She was holding it all in because she didn't want to upset me because I am always trying to put a positive spin on the visitations and the fun they can have over there and all. She didn't want me to be upset because she doesn't want to go anymore. Unfortunately she still has 2 yrs before she can make those decisions herself. That made me feel horrible though because I pride myself on how open my relationships with my children are and then I hear she was afraid to talk to me.


Quoting Angelknot8:

That is sad, Have you talked to dh about it? Maybe take sd to see a  therapist?

 



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