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Maybe I'm just being selfish and paranoid...

Posted by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:35 AM
  • 710 Replies
6 moms liked this

My hubby and I have been together for almost 4 years now. And though I love him dearly, when he has to pay child support-it never fails to irritate or upset me. Now, we are talking way more than a couple hundred dollars a month, into the pretty thousands is more like it. (hubby is a computer programmer)  We have talked about it, and he usually does a good job of giving her the check when I'm not around, because he knows it bothers me.

I know it's for the boys (he has 3) and that it can't be changed, but he pays her so much that she has enough left over to go on summer vacations, etc. to do landscaping on her 2 story house that sits on almost 2 acres, (while we struggle to get by). He also is STILL helping pay the mortgage on her house so that she is able to live there and have the boys grow up in a "nice" house. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to afford to live there.

I just want to get to a place where it doesn't bother me. I have times where I'm fine and it doesn't phase me but then I have other days where it's hard.

I remember a year ago or maybe even more recent than that, we had the the oldest stepkid with us (he's 14 soon to be 15) And we were talking about highschool and going off to college and he had mentioned, " yeah when I graduate highschool dad won't have to pay mom as much..." He said it very casually, but also aware that while the money helps them live better, it has become a financial burden for us. 

I"m currently a stay at home, but I've been thinking very strongly about getting back into the workforce so that paying her child support isn't such a dent in our budget.

I'll even admit to a little bit of jealousy, in the sense that she gets the "nicer" things in life.

I don't know, I think I would better able to deal with it if he wasn't paying her so much. He came home from work one day and was mad, I had asked what was wrong and he had said he was talking to one of his co-workers who is divorced, has more kids than he does, and pays his ex half of what we pay now.

I have thought about going to see a counselor. I'm sure there are things that I'm not looking at correctly. But hey if it helps.

How have you coped? (maybe i'm just the weird and unusual kind. lol )

Advice, please. :)

by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:35 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Chelliza1028
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:41 AM
4 moms liked this
Child support is the one aspect of step life that doesn't bother me. In fact dh set it up to come right out of his check so we never see it. Good luck coping.. here's a bump for help
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Almond_beauty
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:47 AM

For some reason, my hubby didn't want it that way. He would rather write out the check.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:50 AM
27 moms liked this
You married a guy with kids. He has bills. This is just one of them. Resenting cs is like resenting dh student loans... It does you no good. It still must be paid.

If you are struggling, perhaps you should rejoin the workforce. After all, dh is supporting you too. Then you get the nicer things in life, cs won't touch your income and you get the validation that comes with working.
Almond_beauty
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 7:06 AM
3 moms liked this

I know all of this, but emotionally just because "that's just how it is" doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I'm different and most likely process things a little differenlty than the "average" person.  We had discussed me going back to work early on, and that was fine, but once we had our daughter, we had agreed that I would stay home and take care of her.....and my only hesitation about getting back into the workforce was my mother worked all the time(and though she had to) I still to this day, wish she could have been around more. (shrugs)

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2011 at 7:28 AM

Well, I'm bitter the opposite way.  DH has full custody of his older 3 and we get no CS.  I just try not to think about it anymore.  But it does come up when we fight over money.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Oct. 21, 2011 at 8:05 AM
10 moms liked this

I think it would help for you to understand that children cost money and this was a commitment that remained even after the divorce, he is doing it for his children. Try putting yourself in BM's shoes, you have 3 children with a man, wouldn't you expect him to contribute to keeping them in the lifestyle you had originally agreed to?

I only had an issue when DH was paying CS without an official court order, I have no problems no that he has a CO. I agree if you are earning your own money, it would help your own feelings and the family budget.






Married to DH and Mom to our darling daughter and son.

Angelknot8
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 8:15 AM
2 moms liked this

Honestly cs doesn't bother me. I actually feel better knowing he pays it. It proves that between dh fighting for more custody and paying support he wants to be a parent. CS comes out of my dh's pay so we never miss it.  I can say one thing my dh has learned is to NOT go to a cs hearing without a lawyer.

  


 
Owner of the cafemom group
Parenting a child with Behavioral disorders by adoption or step parenting  http://www.cafemom.com/group/115157

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 21, 2011 at 8:21 AM
8 moms liked this

How many children of your own do you have? If you're "a stay at home" (I assume you mean stay at home mom?), you are basically doing the same thing as your husband's ex is doing, that is, letting your husband support you. I  think getting a job is a good idea.

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Oct. 21, 2011 at 8:30 AM
1 mom liked this
When xh and I were married, CS that he paid for his ODD didn't bother me. It was part of our budget like any other bill. What would irk me was BM meeting us at pick ups or drop offs with a hand out for gas money cause she had none. But money was handed over for petrol, even if BM was fibbing, it wasn't worth the chance she wasn't and having her and SD stranded. Just look at it as any other bill that must be paid and put what BM has or does out of your mind; if you don't you will be crazy with bitterness.
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mommy6xs
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 8:33 AM
27 moms liked this
Its good he is paying CS, but I do think that a CO should be in effect. I only say that so it protects your DH in the long run. We have custody of skids and we don't get a dime, didn't ask, yet when BM had them, ah tried raking DH over the coals. Feel lucky you get to be a SAHM, some never get that chance. I would rather be a SAHM then take fancy vacations. Because you can do that after the kids are gone, but you can never go back on what you've missed with your kids growing up.
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