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Maybe I'm just being selfish and paranoid...

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My hubby and I have been together for almost 4 years now. And though I love him dearly, when he has to pay child support-it never fails to irritate or upset me. Now, we are talking way more than a couple hundred dollars a month, into the pretty thousands is more like it. (hubby is a computer programmer)  We have talked about it, and he usually does a good job of giving her the check when I'm not around, because he knows it bothers me.

I know it's for the boys (he has 3) and that it can't be changed, but he pays her so much that she has enough left over to go on summer vacations, etc. to do landscaping on her 2 story house that sits on almost 2 acres, (while we struggle to get by). He also is STILL helping pay the mortgage on her house so that she is able to live there and have the boys grow up in a "nice" house. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to afford to live there.

I just want to get to a place where it doesn't bother me. I have times where I'm fine and it doesn't phase me but then I have other days where it's hard.

I remember a year ago or maybe even more recent than that, we had the the oldest stepkid with us (he's 14 soon to be 15) And we were talking about highschool and going off to college and he had mentioned, " yeah when I graduate highschool dad won't have to pay mom as much..." He said it very casually, but also aware that while the money helps them live better, it has become a financial burden for us. 

I"m currently a stay at home, but I've been thinking very strongly about getting back into the workforce so that paying her child support isn't such a dent in our budget.

I'll even admit to a little bit of jealousy, in the sense that she gets the "nicer" things in life.

I don't know, I think I would better able to deal with it if he wasn't paying her so much. He came home from work one day and was mad, I had asked what was wrong and he had said he was talking to one of his co-workers who is divorced, has more kids than he does, and pays his ex half of what we pay now.

I have thought about going to see a counselor. I'm sure there are things that I'm not looking at correctly. But hey if it helps.

How have you coped? (maybe i'm just the weird and unusual kind. lol )

Advice, please. :)

by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:35 AM
Replies (31-40):
jessiesluv
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 12:00 PM
7 moms liked this

 I didnt get that at all from her post. She wants to get past the resentment, shes asking for help, not asking for a way that he doesnt have to pay.

Quoting chanizen:

So you basically want him to support you and your child and ditch his other kids?

Nice. I wonder how you would feel if he ditched you and your daughter instead ? Would suck, right?

What do you mean you process things differently? Do you have a mental disorder? I don't get that statement.

 

Pero
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 4:13 PM
3 moms liked this

You seem to be resenting BM for your and your DH's choices.

I presume you met your DH when he had amount x of disposable income (after CS and the mortage for the former family home being taken out)? I presume you and your DH made the decision to have a baby together and to make you a SAHM based on these known facts?

What if your DH was a street cleaner or a shop clerk, earning way less than he makes as a successful professional? My DF makes about half of what I make, if I'm lucky enough to ever have a baby with him I know I'd never be a SAHM,  because he couldn't pay for the upkeep of my house and feed us all! Who should I blame? His first (BM) and second (thankfully not BM) wife for fleecing him of every penny he had, meaning he had to remortgage his one-bed flat twice? Or myself, for knowingly trying to conceive with a man who has x amount of disposable income?

BM gets amount x, as calculated by whatever court in accordance with whatever guidelines. Provided she doesn't come back for more and more on a regular basis, and provided the kids are fed, watered and housed appropriatedly, she should be free to spend the remainder as she feels fit. Your contribution to your child's upbringing is the rearing of the child (as opposed to earning the money), if you went on a holiday you wouldn't pay for it yourself, yet you'd still (rightfully) think you'd deserve the break, right? Well, she might think exactly the same.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Oct. 21, 2011 at 5:01 PM
3 moms liked this
Right-- and she is seeing cs as something he pays to bm. If she steps back and envisions herself and dd on the other side, she would find it easier to understand.

Dh and her agreed on the sahm arrangement. If she were on the other side, she would get cs - rightfully so.


That is one way to not resent it.

Or make your own Money and buy those fine things.

Or be grateful for the things you have. I cant be a sahm. To me that sounds like luxury....


Quoting jessiesluv:

 I didnt get that at all from her post. She wants to get past the resentment, shes asking for help, not asking for a way that he doesnt have to pay.


Quoting chanizen:

So you basically want him to support you and your child and ditch his other kids?

Nice. I wonder how you would feel if he ditched you and your daughter instead ? Would suck, right?

What do you mean you process things differently? Do you have a mental disorder? I don't get that statement.


 


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ShannaBee
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 5:02 PM
I believe child support to be one of the biggest drama bringers in blended families. But it must be paid.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
coalminerswife7
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 5:15 PM

 well I cant really give you much advice on that because iam goin through the same thing. sorry..

 

Pero
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 5:26 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting ShannaBee:

I believe child support to be one of the biggest drama bringers in blended families. But it must be paid.

I fully agreee, Shanna! But WHY??? You marry a guy who has to pay amount x. Before you marry, you earn amount x, and he earns amount x. You marry, decide on having one set of finances, and suddenly you feel cheated!

If you weren't there, the guy would still have to pay amount x, right? Whether he was unemployed or earned less, he would still have to pay amount x unless he had amount x reviewed, right? He'd have to take out a loan, or ask his family for help, but he'd have to pay!

But now, you are making it YOUR business! And feel personally attacked by BM because she insists on the continuation of the agreement she had made with BF long before you entered the scene?? You now step in to help out your DH (whereas he'd have to find help elsewhere if you weren't his wife), yet blame BM for having the cheek to demand the continuation of payments. You are blaming her for your decision to marry who you married!

You isn't you personally here, it's a general you.

meow615
by Member on Oct. 21, 2011 at 5:28 PM

Yeah, I know what you mean, too. I find myself being annoyed when SO tells me he's given BM money. They don't have a CO, so anything he gives is voluntary. And if they did have a CO, it would likely turn out that BM would owe SO each month. She earns enough, she's just terrible at budgeting and tends to spend on expensive gadgets (think newest iPad).

SO doesn't earn much, so I subsidize him and SS. Which is completely fine with me, and it's what we've worked out together. But I'm not fine with subsidizing BM.

Pero
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 5:40 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting meow615:

Yeah, I know what you mean, too. I find myself being annoyed when SO tells me he's given BM money. They don't have a CO, so anything he gives is voluntary. And if they did have a CO, it would likely turn out that BM would owe SO whey month. She earns enough, she's just terrible at budgeting and tends to spend on expensive gadets (think newest iPad).

SO doesn't earn much, so I subsidize him and SS. Which is completely fine with me, and it's what we've worked out together. But I'm not fine with subsidizing BM.


THIS is exactly what I'm on about though! YOU are subsidizing your SO, voluntarily, and then blame it on BM. Yet HE is the one obviously giving the money to BM!!!!!

meow615
by Member on Oct. 21, 2011 at 5:45 PM
2 moms liked this

I don't blame him for giving her the money, because I'd probably give it to her, too. I blame her for not being smart enough to budget and spend properly.


Quoting Pero:


Quoting meow615:

Yeah, I know what you mean, too. I find myself being annoyed when SO tells me he's given BM money. They don't have a CO, so anything he gives is voluntary. And if they did have a CO, it would likely turn out that BM would owe SO whey month. She earns enough, she's just terrible at budgeting and tends to spend on expensive gadets (think newest iPad).

SO doesn't earn much, so I subsidize him and SS. Which is completely fine with me, and it's what we've worked out together. But I'm not fine with subsidizing BM.


THIS is exactly what I'm on about though! YOU are subsidizing your SO, voluntarily, and then blame it on BM. Yet HE is the one obviously giving the money to BM!!!!!


Pero
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 5:49 PM


Quoting meow615:

I don't blame him for giving her the money, because I'd probably give it to her, too. I blame her for not being smart enough to budget and spend properly.

BM should not be your problem ... I presume you didn't impregnate her or hold your SO's hand whilst he did just that.

You SO chose her, he chose to shag her, chose to impregnate her (or chose not to take the appropriate precautions). It's up to HIM to reign her in or cut off her supply!

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