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Maybe I'm just being selfish and paranoid...

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My hubby and I have been together for almost 4 years now. And though I love him dearly, when he has to pay child support-it never fails to irritate or upset me. Now, we are talking way more than a couple hundred dollars a month, into the pretty thousands is more like it. (hubby is a computer programmer)  We have talked about it, and he usually does a good job of giving her the check when I'm not around, because he knows it bothers me.

I know it's for the boys (he has 3) and that it can't be changed, but he pays her so much that she has enough left over to go on summer vacations, etc. to do landscaping on her 2 story house that sits on almost 2 acres, (while we struggle to get by). He also is STILL helping pay the mortgage on her house so that she is able to live there and have the boys grow up in a "nice" house. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to afford to live there.

I just want to get to a place where it doesn't bother me. I have times where I'm fine and it doesn't phase me but then I have other days where it's hard.

I remember a year ago or maybe even more recent than that, we had the the oldest stepkid with us (he's 14 soon to be 15) And we were talking about highschool and going off to college and he had mentioned, " yeah when I graduate highschool dad won't have to pay mom as much..." He said it very casually, but also aware that while the money helps them live better, it has become a financial burden for us. 

I"m currently a stay at home, but I've been thinking very strongly about getting back into the workforce so that paying her child support isn't such a dent in our budget.

I'll even admit to a little bit of jealousy, in the sense that she gets the "nicer" things in life.

I don't know, I think I would better able to deal with it if he wasn't paying her so much. He came home from work one day and was mad, I had asked what was wrong and he had said he was talking to one of his co-workers who is divorced, has more kids than he does, and pays his ex half of what we pay now.

I have thought about going to see a counselor. I'm sure there are things that I'm not looking at correctly. But hey if it helps.

How have you coped? (maybe i'm just the weird and unusual kind. lol )

Advice, please. :)

by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:35 AM
Replies (41-50):
meow615
by Member on Oct. 21, 2011 at 5:55 PM

It would be nice to live in a world where BM wasn't my problem and didn't affect my life. Unfortunately, it's not this one. I can say "not my problem" all I want, but at the end of the day, as long as she's SS' mom she still kinda is my problem. And yep, I voluntarily made her my problem by being with SO. But I can still be annoyed by her and complain if I want.


Quoting Pero:


Quoting meow615:

I don't blame him for giving her the money, because I'd probably give it to her, too. I blame her for not being smart enough to budget and spend properly.

BM should not be your problem ... I presume you didn't impregnate her or hold your SO's hand whilst he did just that.

You SO chose her, he chose to shag her, chose to impregnate her (or chose not to take the appropriate precautions). It's up to HIM to reign her in or cut off her supply!


kellysp6637
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:01 PM
5 moms liked this

 Sorry......as a previous single mother...I can tell you no matter HOW much money in child support...it's ALOT of work to be a single mom...the days I've had to miss for work to go to doctor's appointments, the copays I had to pay out of pocket, etc......all adds up...on top of the usual bills....not too mention the being on call 24/7....this is something the non custodial parent doesn't have to worry about......

Have you ever been a single mom before?  And if you didn't like the situation, why would you get involved with a man who had children before you????

This may not be what you want to hear, but his children are his first priority.....and they deserve to be taken care of....

Oh, and the mom deserves to have a vacation every now and then as well......

Pero
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:07 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting meow615:

It would be nice to live in a world where BM wasn't my problem and didn't affect my life. Unfortunately, it's not this one. I can say "not my problem" all I want, but at the end of the day, as long as she's SS' mom she still kinda is my problem. And yep, I voluntarily made her my problem by being with SO. But I can still be annoyed by her and complain if I want


Sure you can complain all you want! But how about complaining to the culprit (namely your SO)?? Quite simple ... you earn amount x, you have x to spend ... NONE of the money I earn (not a penny ... or cent or whatever you guys pay with) will go to BM! Zilch! Zero! Nada!

If your SO spends more on his kid/BM than he earns, and you give it to him, then there is only one fool here to blame ... and that would be YOU!

meow615
by Member on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:26 PM

Ah, you can help someone and still blame them for their behavior. I used to help my brother in dealing with my parents when he did dumb things, but I still blamed him for being an idiot.

Like I said, I'd probably give BM the money, too. So I don't blame SO for helping her out. I blame her for needing the help. Just like my idiot brother (well, now he's all grown up and not much of an idiot anymore).

Quoting Pero:


Quoting meow615:

It would be nice to live in a world where BM wasn't my problem and didn't affect my life. Unfortunately, it's not this one. I can say "not my problem" all I want, but at the end of the day, as long as she's SS' mom she still kinda is my problem. And yep, I voluntarily made her my problem by being with SO. But I can still be annoyed by her and complain if I want


Sure you can complain all you want! But how about complaining to the culprit (namely your SO)?? Quite simple ... you earn amount x, you have x to spend ... NONE of the money I earn (not a penny ... or cent or whatever you guys pay with) will go to BM! Zilch! Zero! Nada!

If your SO spends more on his kid/BM than he earns, and you give it to him, then there is only one fool here to blame ... and that would be YOU!


Almond_beauty
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 7:08 PM

She is not a single mom. She was not going to let the small community of people in her town talk about her in that sense. She was too embarrassed. She's actually remarried, just for the sake of having not to be alone.  He pays their medical bills.

We met when I was18, turning 19-I was graduating highschool, not looking for ways to become a single mother.

I NEVER said I had a problem with the KIDS being taken care of.

She takes a vacation way more often than "every now and then."

Quoting kellysp6637:

 Sorry......as a previous single mother...I can tell you no matter HOW much money in child support...it's ALOT of work to be a single mom...the days I've had to miss for work to go to doctor's appointments, the copays I had to pay out of pocket, etc......all adds up...on top of the usual bills....not too mention the being on call 24/7....this is something the non custodial parent doesn't have to worry about......

Have you ever been a single mom before?  And if you didn't like the situation, why would you get involved with a man who had children before you????

This may not be what you want to hear, but his children are his first priority.....and they deserve to be taken care of....

Oh, and the mom deserves to have a vacation every now and then as well......


jessiesluv
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 7:20 PM

 OP, I definately think it would benefit you even to get a part time job. Since you aren't working now, the extra money you would be making could be spent on anything you want. Maybe the resentment would go away.

Almond_beauty
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 7:25 PM

That's what I'm thinking. Because while she can touch his income, she can't touch mine-so to speak. And it would benefit my hubby and I financially, it would give us a little bit more breathing room and be more at ease.  :)

Quoting jessiesluv:

 OP, I definately think it would benefit you even to get a part time job. Since you aren't working now, the extra money you would be making could be spent on anything you want. Maybe the resentment would go away.


5monkeysplus1
by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 7:37 PM
1 mom liked this
You lost me at he has to help with the mortgage but she can afford vacations? Her (and YOUR dh's priorities are a bit mixed up!)
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jojojack
by Bronze Member on Oct. 22, 2011 at 12:06 AM

 you guys cant be  that bad off if you can stay home Ive been working since im 14 im now 45 worked full time since i was 22  had 8 weeks off when I gave birth to my daughter 10 years ago. I get little or no support for months on end if at all my husband pays a pretty large amount weekly plus extras  yes it annoys me because his ex goes around telling everyone shes poor and cant afford food etc etcetc...she treats him like an atm machine.   whenever the kids (3 of them) ask for anything she says ok aslong as your dad pays for it so if he says no hes the bad guy .   when I first got divorced I was working 2 jobs plus temping just to make ends meet.. because I wasnt getting any help from my daughters father It annoys me because she doesnt appreciate how good he is to HER and the Kids..and that she pays her bills with the money never buys anything for the kids without expecting him to pay for at least half of it if not more I mean even clothes shoes school supplies Nothing comes out of her child support payment ...ugh

Almond_beauty
by on Oct. 22, 2011 at 12:14 AM


He pays for the mortgage. All of it. I mispoke. Which definitely makes it easier for her to go on vacations because that's something she doesn't have to pay.

Quoting 5monkeysplus1:

You lost me at he has to help with the mortgage but she can afford vacations? Her (and YOUR dh's priorities are a bit mixed up!)


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