Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Maybe I'm just being selfish and paranoid...

Posted by   + Show Post

My hubby and I have been together for almost 4 years now. And though I love him dearly, when he has to pay child support-it never fails to irritate or upset me. Now, we are talking way more than a couple hundred dollars a month, into the pretty thousands is more like it. (hubby is a computer programmer)  We have talked about it, and he usually does a good job of giving her the check when I'm not around, because he knows it bothers me.

I know it's for the boys (he has 3) and that it can't be changed, but he pays her so much that she has enough left over to go on summer vacations, etc. to do landscaping on her 2 story house that sits on almost 2 acres, (while we struggle to get by). He also is STILL helping pay the mortgage on her house so that she is able to live there and have the boys grow up in a "nice" house. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to afford to live there.

I just want to get to a place where it doesn't bother me. I have times where I'm fine and it doesn't phase me but then I have other days where it's hard.

I remember a year ago or maybe even more recent than that, we had the the oldest stepkid with us (he's 14 soon to be 15) And we were talking about highschool and going off to college and he had mentioned, " yeah when I graduate highschool dad won't have to pay mom as much..." He said it very casually, but also aware that while the money helps them live better, it has become a financial burden for us. 

I"m currently a stay at home, but I've been thinking very strongly about getting back into the workforce so that paying her child support isn't such a dent in our budget.

I'll even admit to a little bit of jealousy, in the sense that she gets the "nicer" things in life.

I don't know, I think I would better able to deal with it if he wasn't paying her so much. He came home from work one day and was mad, I had asked what was wrong and he had said he was talking to one of his co-workers who is divorced, has more kids than he does, and pays his ex half of what we pay now.

I have thought about going to see a counselor. I'm sure there are things that I'm not looking at correctly. But hey if it helps.

How have you coped? (maybe i'm just the weird and unusual kind. lol )

Advice, please. :)

by on Oct. 21, 2011 at 6:35 AM
Replies (701-710):
by on Dec. 21, 2011 at 8:24 PM

 702 replies? Holy crap.

by on Dec. 21, 2011 at 8:25 PM

Quoting babbsela:

Wow, judgemental, much? I'm guessing you prefer to be supported, rather than contribute to the household income, too. Both parents are equally responsible in caring for, and providing for, their family.

She asked whether we thought she was selfish, and I said she is. Everyone in a relationship needs to pull their own weight and not burden someone else to take care of them. Or, not complain if they refuse to contribute. She has a choice, as do you, and I.

Good lord, why resurrect this post? It is more than two months old now. Time to get over it.

by on Dec. 21, 2011 at 8:39 PM
I can't believe he would pay for rent.... I know that kids gotta live somewhere but I personally feel that if you can't support your kids, you shouldn't have them.

Quoting nervousmommytob:

I kinda understand too.  I have a SD that my DH pays CS too the BM.  Not only does he pay monthly but he also pretty much gives the BM money whenever she needs it.  There was one time that in one month he paid for her rent, damage deposit and bought her some clothes.  Not my SD but the BM.   What bothers me most is she is not that greatful for the extra stuff she receives and if he is a day late paying her she is losing her mind.   I know that the CS that he pays her is not going to my SD because when we have my SD in summer full time and dont pay CS, every year her cell phone will get cut off and internet etc.  She works just not a ton.

Its made me jealous before and bothers me but in the end I just want my SD to be happy so I guess a happy mom is a happy kid.  

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 9:32 PM

No you are not selfish and paranoid.  I feel the same way as you.  We are paying quite a bit of child support for one child (in the thousands) and we have 2 children together.  What frustrates me is that my children have had to go without because of how much we are paying for my step-daughter.  She and  her Mom go on Disney cruises yearly and spend two weeks on the Cape.  We cannot afford a family vacation.  I go without alot because I would rather give to my kids.  The worst part, my step-daughter appreciates nothing.  She comes over with always a new cell phone, a coach purse, the best new sneakers and winter jacket.  I feel for you, it is VERY hard! 

by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 9:36 PM

I think this post has made history with the amount of replies on it!!!

by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 10:22 PM
wow... On one hand, i feel bad for the op and the women who are the second family.

but still, just cause he made more babies does not mean the first batch should go without.

it would have been nice if my sk bm paid cs... But she cant even pay her own bills as is.

how is the op?

did they get a job?

i can feel for not wanting to work and spend time away from kids. But how old are they? Work while they are in school?

or be like me and work pt if that. I get out, have money for crafts, fun stuff (gym membership but hubby usually pays for it, bowling, movies etc)... Holiday parties and what not.

i do plan to go into my career work when my youngest starts school. But for know its fun and flexable (ive been off the past two weeks for bedrest. Bleeding and cramping in pregnancy)... Work doesnt mind. I love it there.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 10:30 PM

I could probably have written this post myself. I'm with you... I don't have any suggestions on coping because I just can't stand how we are struggling and in rags and BM is out at the casino every weekend (in brand new clothing) spending the money that is supposed to be for SS.

by Bronze Member on Feb. 15, 2012 at 11:14 PM

It's never really bothered me.   I don't know why, maybe because we after child support is deducted from his paycheck, there's still a good amount left.  Or maybe because I never see the money in the first place because it is deducted.   

by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 11:21 PM

When you choose to stay home with your kid and give up your income you can't allow yourself to be bothered by being poor. You must embrace it. It is only temporary, and IMO totally worth it.

by on Feb. 18, 2012 at 8:55 AM

When Dh and I were first married, he paid a huge amount of child support and yes I was a little jealous that BH was able to pretty much live on child support alone, and yes we struggled.  But, a few years latter dh was able to take her back to court for a reduction and actually got it.  So it made things a little better for us, and as years went by dh and I worked really hard to better our situation and BM is now the one that is struggling because of lousy choices she made.  She was also left with a house that had a very low mortgage, (while we took the one with the high mortgage) and has managed to lose it throught refinancing so high she could not afford the payments.  So, that said, hang in there things will get better as long as your dh and you work at it together.  And maybe you should go back to work, it will give you a little distraction and some independence to have the things you want.  And think child support does not last forever, the kids do grow up...good luck to you.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)