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trying to deal to be a good stepmom

Posted by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 11:17 AM
  • 5 Replies

Hello...


I will start by telling you a little bit about my story... I have a 5 years old son from my ex-marriage and my husband has a 4 year old daughter from his ex-marriage too and now we have a 11 month old boy together.  I sometimes feel that the guiltness of my husband for leaving her daughther and not seeing her every day can me more than to have a good relationship with the other 2 kids and myself.. 

For example I notice he is a more responsible father only when his daughter comes to stay with us for a weekend , he will care if they kids ate their meals or not , if they need a bath , etc.. but when his daughter is not at home then he never ask about those things etc etc.. and I have already told him that but he either denies it or he just says well.. maybe is because I dont see her as much as I do with the other kids etc.. 

So really , we have been together now 3 years and I have tried to explained to him that he needs to get rid of that guiltness to be able to move on and treat the 3 kids the same and make me feel also to me that he cares about the 3 kids the same way..It is very unconfortable for me..and I am really having a lot of patient.. He says that he loves all the kids the same way and that he is working on his guilt , but it has been 3 years.. so I don't know , how else to make him understand all this... or just leave him alone and I shouldn't care ... I don't know..


I needs advices... thank you!!!



by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 11:17 AM
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Replies (1-5):
brendafrenda
by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 11:43 AM
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I also have some mild issues with how my husband treats our 2 kids vs. his other bio. kid.  He is much more afraid to discipline him than our children.   He tends to "gently spoil" him also (little things).  At first I allowed it b/c I knew it was guilt related.  Then I put my foot down and said, "Our kids will eventually catch on and resent you for it."  They all need to feel loved and treated as equals.  YES- I get that ALL children are different and can't be 100% equal.  But guilt is very bad for everyone.  Tell him to forgive himself!

veronicautah
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 1:16 PM

I have been telling him that in the past 3 years in anyway., but I guess his guilt is more.. what I am doing now is that whenever his daughter comes I try to be there to make sure he treats all of them the same way so eventually he will get it.. I also have told him that when the kids grow up, they wil notice all that and will feel bad... but oh well every other week when his daughter comes is a challenge for me .. I hate to feel that way.. :(.


veronicautah
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 1:17 PM

have he changed at all when you told him that?

how did he take it?

ShannaBee
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 1:20 PM
Has he ever been in counceling?
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brendafrenda
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 2:32 PM

He took it well- deep down he knew it was true, it took awhile for it to "soak in."  His guilt got in the way.  We work on this still, but we've had 7 years to work out all the kinks.  We just are always thinking about the kids- and what's best for them.  I would bring in an univolved 3rd party, to offer him and u some more insight (no fam)- a counselor, pastor, friend who has a similar situation.

Quoting veronicautah:

have he changed at all when you told him that?

how did he take it?


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