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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Do you think...

Posted by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 3:45 PM
  • 63 Replies

You should put your spouse before your kids and skids? Do you think your spouse should put you before your skids and kids?

by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 3:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Ms.Gwen
by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 3:52 PM
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That's what tge professionals say! It's hard to believe though, I guess it holds some truth? I rationalize it this way.... Put the safety of your kids first. Put your relationship with your spouse second. Your relationship with your kids can only benefit from that and if your marriage fails.... Well we've all seen first hand what that can do to a kid. So I kind of agree with the psychs here.... Spouse first, kids second; but with the condition that all parties are 'safe' in those relationships.
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ChelseaLiz
by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 3:55 PM

I agree, I think spouses should come first. As long as everyone is safe and no one is being harmed.

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

That's what tge professionals say! It's hard to believe though, I guess it holds some truth? I rationalize it this way.... Put the safety of your kids first. Put your relationship with your spouse second. Your relationship with your kids can only benefit from that and if your marriage fails.... Well we've all seen first hand what that can do to a kid. So I kind of agree with the psychs here.... Spouse first, kids second; but with the condition that all parties are 'safe' in those relationships.


LemonZest
by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 3:57 PM
1 mom liked this

I think putting the spouse first does put the kids first (in most cases).  If you have a stable, loving relationsip with your spouse and seek to support them and stand united with them as a cooperative partner, your kids will grow up in a stable, loving home.  Too often, people put their kids first and end up neglecting their marriage.

LoriDeen
by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:14 PM

When DH and I got married, we both said that, barring our children doing something morally repugnant, our children would always come first, but I don't think most people look at "kids come first" the same way we mean it.  To us, that means that if it's a choice between doing something for our kids and doing something for each other, the kids have the priority.  For instance, we had a commuter relationship for several years, and many weekends we didn't see each other because one or the other of us had something to do with the kids. We knew that our kids had to come first. So we never missed any school events, but we went many weeks and sometimes months without seeing each other.  After all, our children will someday leave, and we'll have all the time in the world to enjoy each other's company. 

I don't think it means choosing between my DH and my son - I've never had to do that, and my DH has never had to "choose" between me and his daughters.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:22 PM

it's too vague a question. Can you give a more specific example of what you mean?

ChelseaLiz
by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:25 PM

There isn't really an example it's just in general. Psychologists believe that spouse's should come before children. As long as one spouse isn't abusing or neglecting the children.

Quoting whatIknownow:

it's too vague a question. Can you give a more specific example of what you mean?


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:31 PM
1 mom liked this

Well I disagree with the "psychologists", and I am quite sure they don't all think that.

In general I would say my children come before my marriage, but there have never been any incidences where I have had to choose one over the other. I also feel in a stepfamily it will be a little different, and since I brought  my children with me into this marriage, I am always mindful of the fact that my first allegiance is to them.

ChelseaLiz
by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:34 PM

what if your children ever told you them or your spouse?

Quoting whatIknownow:

Well I disagree with the "psychologists", and I am quite sure they don't all think that.

In general I would say my children come before my marriage, but there have never been any incidences where I have had to choose one over the other. I also feel in a stepfamily it will be a little different, and since I brought  my children with me into this marriage, I am always mindful of the fact that my first allegiance is to them.


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:38 PM


Quoting ChelseaLiz:

what if your children ever told you them or your spouse?



I would try to figure out what the problem was between them. If my child had a real issue with my spouse, maybe it would be my spouse's fault. I would try to figure out who is really at fault - if it is my spouse, I would try to get him to change his behavior so that he could get along with my child.

But the bottom line is, if they absolutely could not live together, the spouse would have to go (assuming my child was under 18 and still living with me).

maybaby22
by Silver Member on Oct. 31, 2011 at 4:43 PM
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 I dont like putting my priorities in list form. Your spouse should be a top priority along with your children. Nurture both relationships separately- just because you are mom and dad doesn't mean you aren't also hubsand and wife as well as individuals.

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