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UPDATED: (STILL LONG LOL) LONG story... but if you have time to read id like some advice please :)

Posted by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 12:09 AM
  • 85 Replies

UPDATED INFO FOR ALL U LADIES WHO WERE WONDEFUL ENOUGH TO GIVE ME ADVICE!!!!:

Ok well my fiance went and picked up his daughter last night. I was a little worried but i planned on keeping ALL the little tips and suggestions i read in the comments below in the back of my mind. Well our daughter was being super difficult going to bed so when he got home at 10pm  he said he wanted to rock her to sleep cuz he missed her (AWE:) ) and I got to talk to my stepdaughter. She said she was excited to come see us and missed us. It made me feel so good to hear that seeing as all the other times she said she hated coming here and wanted to go home to her mommy.

Well today we had a super fun day she didnt get on my nerves like i use to let her. I really took everything you posted and thought long and hard about it. I know i have issues with it, i know it is and will be hard for me but i feel im making steps in the right direction. It wasnt even "the child" that got on my nerves it was just everything that came with her. The drama from her mother, the driving, the legal battles, the fact that her mother would blow up the phone- i realized that NON of this actually had to do with the child! And its NOT fair of me to take it out on her. I was wrong.. When i was able to put aside ALL the drama, ALL the bs we have gone thru, forget the $ and driving i was able to open my heart to this little girl and actually enjoy the time with her! I am so relieved.

When i got home from work my fiance was tired (4 hours of 2 kids is drainging lol) and I let him take a nap. Well we had agreed apon a time for her to call her mom and i set up the call and let her talk to her and her mom did not cause any issues!  My SD told her mom she was happy she came and was having fun and that we were going to play in the leaves. It made me feel even better. As i was putting on her shoes to go outside she said to me "I didnt like to come over before... but i do now". I was amazed. We went out and played in the leaves and i took cute pictures of our girls and just had a great time. I hope every time is like this weekend, and i hope this is where things start looking up for us all!

I just wanted to share to all you ladies who helped me out, and to those that told me the truth tho maybe harsh.. thank you! I dont think anything can ruin this good mood!

To start it off with some background- I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, we just recently got engaged and we have a 10 month old daughter.

When we were dating for 3 months he received papers in the mail saying he had to appear before a court to determine child support(december09). This came as quite a surprise seeing as I had NO idea he had a child. Well come to find out he had a "fling" with a girl some time back and she told him she was pregnant. He was young and working at Dominos Pizza to get thru college. He said he wanted to get a DNA to prove it was his then if it was, neither of them was ready to parent at their age and wanted to pursue adoption. She said its not your choice, then she said nothing for months. She contacted him one other time after the kid was born to ask him if hed ever see his daughter. Again he said i would like to have a DNA test to prove its mine. She flipped out on him again. (ive seen the emails so that is how i know what was said.) She said if you dont believe she is yours and dont want to be a part of this ill do it on my own. And he didnt hear from her again until papers came in the mail 2 years later. {I have different feelings about how he handeled it.. but that is besides the point and no one can change what he did. } He told me he just did what his parents told him to do." If she wont agree to a DNA test to prove it, its not yours (or she doesnt know whos it is)" He was not aware of going to the courts to get a dna- he thought she had to agree to take it. Ok so theres the very background info... OH and they live 2 hours away from us.

After he got a court ordered DNA test we found out it was his(jan10) she was reluctant to even let him meet his daughter and then flipped out when i met the kid.(Even thought I met her while the mother was present!) She drug her feet on everything, let us have 4 hour visits for like 4 months and when we asked for more she said she(the mother) wasnt comfortable with it. So we had no choice but to get a lawyer involved to move along the process. We were going out to his parents every other weekend (they live 20 min from the kid and we lived 2 hours away from both) to have visitation (we had to do this for a year!!!!) It was completely draining. Especially because we found out we were expecting a child of our own in May 2010(due jan 2011) and were in the process of buying a house/ moving in.

After almost a year of courts and lawyers and thousands of $ there was a court order in place.. This is what it entails: He drives (after a 10 hour work day) 2 hours to pick her up by 7:30pm then drives 2 hours back. Then on Sunday drives 2 hours to take her home by 6 and drives 2 hours home. He has to not only pay child support (about $500 a month) but 1/2 of her preschool (the mother put the kid in a private preschool and a year early) he has to pay 1/2 of her gymnastics class- has NO say in what school she goes to, no sayin any sport/ activity she does, he just has to pay for it. The mother does NOT help drive at all she has NEVER been to our home. We invited her MANY times to see where we live and where the child would be staying eventually but she ignored all our invites. She starts a fight at every opportunity, and when she gets mad she resorts to doing even less then she was before. Once she said "If your going to be that way she wont come with ANY extra clothes and you will have to wash them and send her back in them". Its like she doesnt get shes hurting her kid more then us.. When the child is here the mother gets to talk to her once every day she doesnt see her (so Saturday- Visits are 7:30 fri-6 on sunday) she blows up his phone morning, noon and bedtime. When she talks to the child she gets her all worked up and when the kid starts crying cuz she misses her mom she has the nerve to say "I know you dont want to be there but ill see you tomorrow". Its a lose lose situation. Even when we have the kid out here the mother makes it totally difficult and my fiance and I always start fighting because he gets stressed out and upset then is crappy to me.  

He decided he was going to reduce visitation to once a month until the mother became cooperative. It is a lot of money to drive the amount he was so often. (We have a house and a baby to take care of. I work part time because day-care is crazy expensive so my mom helps babysit whie im working) But still with the way his other childs mother is after his money we have to watch our every penny. She makes more then he does and gets a fat paycheck (child support) from him+ 1/2 of the stuff mentioned above. Its like she does NOTHING to help and EVERYTHING to make it difficut!! Well because of his work and our schedule things have come up and he has had to cancel more often. It is too hard to do ALL the driving just to have the kid be miserable and us be upset and fight. Its not good for our daughter or our relationship.

FINALLY THE REASON FOR THE POST: He wants to get her this weekend... his mom offered to help him drive on sinday so its not so much on his shoulders. I do not have a connection with the child and as sad is it sounds the more problems her mother makes the more i want nothing to do with her. :( I AM completely upset about how I feel but I have not been able to find a way to get over it and accept that she is a part of his life. Its like, he will never be more then a checkbook for either of them.. he wont get the chance to be her real "dad". (Her mom has been with a guy for a long time that acts as her dad) and I feel that us forcing her to come to our house and have her get upset cuz she misses her mom, then we start fighting cuz the mother blows up his phone and sends mean texts that piss him off is just not worth it. Ugh its just a sticky situation. I hear all the time "Its his kid he has to see her and be her dad" Now, i have always been one to agree with that.. before i was in this situation. If he was apart of this childs whole life and she knew him as her dad and had that bond with him there would be no WAY that id even think it would be better to not see her. But in our situation its different. Like our relationship is important too right? The fact that our baby should grow up with bother her parents in the same hosuehold is important to us. And the added stress this puts on us, our relationship makes it really really hard. 


I guess I was hoping for any positive advice or if anyone has been in a simaliar situation how did you get thru it?

by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 12:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Quinn525
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 12:30 AM

Im in a similar situation. Bm told dh that sd wad not his when she was 3 months pregnant. (They were more of f### buddies than bf-gf.) After sd was born, bms brother came and told him he had a daughter. Dh asked for a pregnancy test and since bm wanted cs he got one. I started dating dh when sd was 6 months old. Bm was nasty and difficult during the first two years and saw sd mainly when bm used my inlaws as free babysitting. At 2 we started to get regular visitation. We drove 2 hours one way to get visitation. It sucked especially when I was pregnant and we had no ac. Alot has happened since then, but we have had custody of sd for 7 years now (she's 12) It hasn't been easy, but totally worth it. I would focus on sd, and ignore bm. Yes she has it made right now, and makes your life difficult. That may never change, but you can never do over a childhood and it goes by so much quicker than you realize. I would also suggest some therapy for all of you. Regret is a terrible thing to live with. Good luck!

ma23
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 1:18 AM
7 moms liked this

I only have one suggestion right now because it's late and I'm tired. 

STOP answering the phone everytime she calls. Turn off the ringer or find a "special" ringtone to let you know it's her. Answer the phone the required ONE time and after that, don't. Right now, you are both giving her all the control because you are assuming it's her right to have it.

If she starts becoming difficult, make her aware of the court order again and if you threaten to take it back to court using parental alienation as a basis (which this mom has been doing in spades) then make sure she knows you will request she pay attorney fees and then here is the most important part...

FOLLOW THROUGH. Don't make idle threats that you don't follow up on. She needs to know NOW that he means business and that he will NOT let his child be used as a pawn for her spitefulness.

Also, do NOT let this consume you either. Regardless of how it turns out, make sure to spend some time focusing on your own relationship and that you stay strong and united.

momNstinks
by Member on Nov. 1, 2011 at 1:50 AM
1 mom liked this

My husband just recently went to court seeking split physical custody of his daughter and brought evidence of bm's attempts at parental alienation. Can you believe that the judge had the nerve to say (to my husband) that he can understand bm's bitterness towards him because he asked for a dna test when sd was born?

Um, excuse me but when has seeking proof of dna been a bad thing? Especially since they were not married and/or in a monogamous relationship?

Didn't mean to derail your thread....just still a lil hot under the collar concerning the so called "justice system." I bet the reason why they made your S/O do all the traveling is because he was already doing it. Not at all fair or right...do you think it would be possible for you guys to move closer? I think he should continue to see his daughter so they can form a bond and for you child to bond with her as well. Hopefully as time passes you will be able to do the same as well. Don't let bm get to you cause more than likely that's her M.O.

Yahooligans
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 2:06 AM
Omg! I can relate except my husband was married to the BM!
She would do ANYTHING to make life miserable for us! And everything was MY fault (easier to blame the SM). she even went as far as continuing to send nude photos of herself 8 months after we were married!
Best advice:let him deal with her. It's going to drive you NUTS if you try to interject.focus on you and your child(ren) and wash your hands clean of the nutcase. Feel bad for the daughter but that's it
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Pero
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 7:38 AM
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Well, try to see it from a woman's (not a BM's) point of view .... if you are telling a guy "I am pregnant and it's your child", asking for a DNA test is like calling her a whore who sleeps around. He might have considered it a fling, she might have viewed it as the start of a meaningful relationship. That ... plus the attempt to bully her into an adoption because HE decided neither of them was mature enough to be a parent ... well, I don't really know what to call it.

Be honest with yourself ... first the guy more or less implies she is a slut, then he tells her that even if it's his child, he'd rather give it up for adoption than contribute or take care of it ... and all of a sudden, he wants to play daddy. He made her go through the pregnancy on her own, and now wants her to "enable" him by delivering the child on a silver plate to his house (I presume he was the one who left town, since his parents still live in the area where the girl lives). She was lucky enough to find somebody who'd be willing to take her child on as his own, to be daddy .... and suddenly the sperm donor (and I don't mean this in a disrespectful way) shows an interest and wants involvement. How would you react (as a woman)?

Also, your statement  that the child came as "quite a surprise" contradicts your other statement "she told him she was pregnant".

As for her take on your involvement .... her little one isn't that much older than yours. So how would you feel if you had been told "give it away, I don't want it, we are not mature enough", and barely a year or so on your ex fathers another child?

I'm not saying your DH should not try to see his child, but I think you should explain to him why she feels so angry and has so little trust in him. She was told to give it away, decided to raise it on her own, had just found her feet .... ooops, changed my mind.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 1, 2011 at 8:13 AM
2 moms liked this

I would probably just let your boyfriend decide how involved he wants to be.  I think your frustration with the situation has made you resentful and has affected your ability to feel affectionate toward the child. So, my advice is, let DH handle ALL communication with the mother of his child, let him do all the work to take care of her when she visits him, juts play with her and be nice to her but have no responsibility. And try not to think about the money at all (if you can). See if that helps.

Ms.Gwen
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 8:48 AM
4 moms liked this
First, your DH needs to set up boundaries with the BM. Give her a time for her ONE phone call. Bedtime works well for us. Do not answer the phone for her at any other time! She will get it eventually.
Second, try to put yourself in BMs shoes. Think for a minute how you would feel if you had been on her side of this... She knew he was the father and tried to involve him. He came back (and I'm not knocking him for this) with "I want a paternity test." she took that the hard way and heard "you're a whore. That could be anybodies baby!" she got mad and stopped contacting him. She said to herself" F him I'll raise my kid myself!" than as time went by and her anger died and the love for her child outweighed that hurt... She wanted her child to know his father... Or she just really needed the money to provide the kind of life she wanted for the child and thought she really needed the help... It was probobly a bit of both. Of course she wasn't comfortable handing her child to a complete stranger for overnight visitation! 2 of my skids don't know who their BM is and it drives me crazy when I have to leave those frightened children in her care. We are making BM start slow. She has supervised visits right now. If she puts in more effort and works at a relationship we will talk about unsupervised visits. If she wants more than that right now than she will have to take us to court. Sure it sucks for BM here, just like it sucks for your DH, but me and my DH have tge same job as tge BM in your sitch.... We must look out for the best interest of the child. That's it. That is our only motive. That is our reason for going after BM for CS. That is our reason for limiting access. That is our reason for expensive ECs and private preschools. We don't do these things to piss the NCPs off or make them miserable. I promise you that has nothing to do with it. Please don't take it personally because it's not about you.
Now that I have explained that, let me' explain what your DHs current actions mean to BM.... Every time your DH misses a visitation your BM thinks "my poor child has a dead beat dad that doesn't give 2 shits!" she also thinks "I must do everything in my power to protect my child from him!" that is why you are getting the attitude. There are 2 things your DH can do to improve this sitch. He can communicate with BM. Let her know the sitch. Let her know he cares and is upset that he can't afford the visits. Maybe if he communicates enough BM will be compassionate and understanding but first he must be compassionate and understanding with her. He must treat her the way he wants to be treated, and it wouldn't hurt to apologize for the whole paternity test thing (which she obviously took the wrong way). Second, don't miss any time with her kid. He must show BM that he values that time as much as she does. This will eventually help her to see that your DH really does give a damn about her kid.
All in all what I'm trying to help you see is that BM is being defensive not offensive. Both parties have put up a lot of walls. If the situation is ever to improve those walls must come down.
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madre420
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 9:11 AM
2 moms liked this

This is "BS" a fling is a fling. He did not call her a slut nor did he all of a sudden want to play daddy...I would want a DNA test also, there is nothing wrong or degrading about this it proves the truth only. About giving the kid up for adoption...he did not ask her to kill it by getting an abortion, he just new he was not prepared to be a father. The OP said it was a couple of years before BM even contacted him and then it was through the courts. It seems to me it's nothing more than a power play and control issue. The real father is trying to do the best he can by his daughter. So stop bashing OP and her SO!!!!!!

madre420
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 9:18 AM
2 moms liked this

To OP....It seems to me you need a better lawyer!!!! If there is that big of a difference in living arrangements she should be meeting him half way. I agree with the poster that says only answer the phone at the court ordered time and tell her this will be taking place. The BM and BF need to find a coparenting solution and stop putting the child in the middle, that's just wrong. As far as him getting mad at you, talk to him tell him you are on his side in this mess, but let him get mad, I would be it seems his hands are tied..Hence get a better lawyer.

Pero
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 9:22 AM


Quoting madre420:

This is "BS" a fling is a fling. He did not call her a slut nor did he all of a sudden want to play daddy...I would want a DNA test also, there is nothing wrong or degrading about this it proves the truth only. About giving the kid up for adoption...he did not ask her to kill it by getting an abortion, he just new he was not prepared to be a father. The OP said it was a couple of years before BM even contacted him and then it was through the courts. It seems to me it's nothing more than a power play and control issue. The real father is trying to do the best he can by his daughter. So stop bashing OP and her SO!!!!!!


So, he wasn't prepared to be a father ... and now he suddenly is prepared to be a father ... until he maybe changes his mind and is no longer prepared to be a father in he near future?

Nobody is bashing her SO ... he made a choice back then which he thought was right for him, and she adjusted accordingly. But isn't it kind of understandable that she isn't willing to change her set-up in line with his current (and possibly future) needs?

As for the paternity test ... I fell pregnant within about a month of meeting BF. Had BF asked me for a paternity test, rest assured I'd have walked out never to be seen again. With hindsight ... I sometimes wish he had asked for one. 

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