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UPDATED: (STILL LONG LOL) LONG story... but if you have time to read id like some advice please :)

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UPDATED INFO FOR ALL U LADIES WHO WERE WONDEFUL ENOUGH TO GIVE ME ADVICE!!!!:

Ok well my fiance went and picked up his daughter last night. I was a little worried but i planned on keeping ALL the little tips and suggestions i read in the comments below in the back of my mind. Well our daughter was being super difficult going to bed so when he got home at 10pm  he said he wanted to rock her to sleep cuz he missed her (AWE:) ) and I got to talk to my stepdaughter. She said she was excited to come see us and missed us. It made me feel so good to hear that seeing as all the other times she said she hated coming here and wanted to go home to her mommy.

Well today we had a super fun day she didnt get on my nerves like i use to let her. I really took everything you posted and thought long and hard about it. I know i have issues with it, i know it is and will be hard for me but i feel im making steps in the right direction. It wasnt even "the child" that got on my nerves it was just everything that came with her. The drama from her mother, the driving, the legal battles, the fact that her mother would blow up the phone- i realized that NON of this actually had to do with the child! And its NOT fair of me to take it out on her. I was wrong.. When i was able to put aside ALL the drama, ALL the bs we have gone thru, forget the $ and driving i was able to open my heart to this little girl and actually enjoy the time with her! I am so relieved.

When i got home from work my fiance was tired (4 hours of 2 kids is drainging lol) and I let him take a nap. Well we had agreed apon a time for her to call her mom and i set up the call and let her talk to her and her mom did not cause any issues!  My SD told her mom she was happy she came and was having fun and that we were going to play in the leaves. It made me feel even better. As i was putting on her shoes to go outside she said to me "I didnt like to come over before... but i do now". I was amazed. We went out and played in the leaves and i took cute pictures of our girls and just had a great time. I hope every time is like this weekend, and i hope this is where things start looking up for us all!

I just wanted to share to all you ladies who helped me out, and to those that told me the truth tho maybe harsh.. thank you! I dont think anything can ruin this good mood!

To start it off with some background- I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, we just recently got engaged and we have a 10 month old daughter.

When we were dating for 3 months he received papers in the mail saying he had to appear before a court to determine child support(december09). This came as quite a surprise seeing as I had NO idea he had a child. Well come to find out he had a "fling" with a girl some time back and she told him she was pregnant. He was young and working at Dominos Pizza to get thru college. He said he wanted to get a DNA to prove it was his then if it was, neither of them was ready to parent at their age and wanted to pursue adoption. She said its not your choice, then she said nothing for months. She contacted him one other time after the kid was born to ask him if hed ever see his daughter. Again he said i would like to have a DNA test to prove its mine. She flipped out on him again. (ive seen the emails so that is how i know what was said.) She said if you dont believe she is yours and dont want to be a part of this ill do it on my own. And he didnt hear from her again until papers came in the mail 2 years later. {I have different feelings about how he handeled it.. but that is besides the point and no one can change what he did. } He told me he just did what his parents told him to do." If she wont agree to a DNA test to prove it, its not yours (or she doesnt know whos it is)" He was not aware of going to the courts to get a dna- he thought she had to agree to take it. Ok so theres the very background info... OH and they live 2 hours away from us.

After he got a court ordered DNA test we found out it was his(jan10) she was reluctant to even let him meet his daughter and then flipped out when i met the kid.(Even thought I met her while the mother was present!) She drug her feet on everything, let us have 4 hour visits for like 4 months and when we asked for more she said she(the mother) wasnt comfortable with it. So we had no choice but to get a lawyer involved to move along the process. We were going out to his parents every other weekend (they live 20 min from the kid and we lived 2 hours away from both) to have visitation (we had to do this for a year!!!!) It was completely draining. Especially because we found out we were expecting a child of our own in May 2010(due jan 2011) and were in the process of buying a house/ moving in.

After almost a year of courts and lawyers and thousands of $ there was a court order in place.. This is what it entails: He drives (after a 10 hour work day) 2 hours to pick her up by 7:30pm then drives 2 hours back. Then on Sunday drives 2 hours to take her home by 6 and drives 2 hours home. He has to not only pay child support (about $500 a month) but 1/2 of her preschool (the mother put the kid in a private preschool and a year early) he has to pay 1/2 of her gymnastics class- has NO say in what school she goes to, no sayin any sport/ activity she does, he just has to pay for it. The mother does NOT help drive at all she has NEVER been to our home. We invited her MANY times to see where we live and where the child would be staying eventually but she ignored all our invites. She starts a fight at every opportunity, and when she gets mad she resorts to doing even less then she was before. Once she said "If your going to be that way she wont come with ANY extra clothes and you will have to wash them and send her back in them". Its like she doesnt get shes hurting her kid more then us.. When the child is here the mother gets to talk to her once every day she doesnt see her (so Saturday- Visits are 7:30 fri-6 on sunday) she blows up his phone morning, noon and bedtime. When she talks to the child she gets her all worked up and when the kid starts crying cuz she misses her mom she has the nerve to say "I know you dont want to be there but ill see you tomorrow". Its a lose lose situation. Even when we have the kid out here the mother makes it totally difficult and my fiance and I always start fighting because he gets stressed out and upset then is crappy to me.  

He decided he was going to reduce visitation to once a month until the mother became cooperative. It is a lot of money to drive the amount he was so often. (We have a house and a baby to take care of. I work part time because day-care is crazy expensive so my mom helps babysit whie im working) But still with the way his other childs mother is after his money we have to watch our every penny. She makes more then he does and gets a fat paycheck (child support) from him+ 1/2 of the stuff mentioned above. Its like she does NOTHING to help and EVERYTHING to make it difficut!! Well because of his work and our schedule things have come up and he has had to cancel more often. It is too hard to do ALL the driving just to have the kid be miserable and us be upset and fight. Its not good for our daughter or our relationship.

FINALLY THE REASON FOR THE POST: He wants to get her this weekend... his mom offered to help him drive on sinday so its not so much on his shoulders. I do not have a connection with the child and as sad is it sounds the more problems her mother makes the more i want nothing to do with her. :( I AM completely upset about how I feel but I have not been able to find a way to get over it and accept that she is a part of his life. Its like, he will never be more then a checkbook for either of them.. he wont get the chance to be her real "dad". (Her mom has been with a guy for a long time that acts as her dad) and I feel that us forcing her to come to our house and have her get upset cuz she misses her mom, then we start fighting cuz the mother blows up his phone and sends mean texts that piss him off is just not worth it. Ugh its just a sticky situation. I hear all the time "Its his kid he has to see her and be her dad" Now, i have always been one to agree with that.. before i was in this situation. If he was apart of this childs whole life and she knew him as her dad and had that bond with him there would be no WAY that id even think it would be better to not see her. But in our situation its different. Like our relationship is important too right? The fact that our baby should grow up with bother her parents in the same hosuehold is important to us. And the added stress this puts on us, our relationship makes it really really hard. 


I guess I was hoping for any positive advice or if anyone has been in a simaliar situation how did you get thru it?

by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 12:09 AM
Replies (81-85):
madre420
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 11:36 AM


Quoting Pero:

 

Quoting madre420:

 

Quoting Pero:

 

Quoting madre420:

This is "BS" a fling is a fling. He did not call her a slut nor did he all of a sudden want to play daddy...I would want a DNA test also, there is nothing wrong or degrading about this it proves the truth only. About giving the kid up for adoption...he did not ask her to kill it by getting an abortion, he just new he was not prepared to be a father. The OP said it was a couple of years before BM even contacted him and then it was through the courts. It seems to me it's nothing more than a power play and control issue. The real father is trying to do the best he can by his daughter. So stop bashing OP and her SO!!!!!!


So, he wasn't prepared to be a father ... and now he suddenly is prepared to be a father ... until he maybe changes his mind and is no longer prepared to be a father in he near future?

Nobody is bashing her SO ... he made a choice back then which he thought was right for him, and she adjusted accordingly. But isn't it kind of understandable that she isn't willing to change her set-up in line with his current (and possibly future) needs?

As for the paternity test ... I fell pregnant within about a month of meeting BF. Had BF asked me for a paternity test, rest assured I'd have walked out never to be seen again. With hindsight ... I sometimes wish he had asked for one. 

@Pero, " He's a man"....He most likely was not ready to be a parent (what three yrs ago) But really kudo"s to him for stepping up and being a man and taking on the responsibility. Your right he played, he has to pay. I do understand the BM's position been there after I divorced. The thing is he can pay CS and choose not to be part of the child's life. I have this seen scenario a lot. Instead he chooses to be a father to his DD.

We all know that these days every penny is from heaven. I truly believe she (BM) should think of the child and make it easier for her to get to know her BF, By meeting in the middle with everything that has to do with her child it's called co parenting. It really is hard to suck-up and co parent but the rewards are great...less stress for all involved, and happy well rounded child.

As for the paternity test...This goes to everyone...I love it. It proves definitively that it is his and mom can say F.U. I did not sleep with a bunch of people. If you are in a monogamous relationship then for me I would have to question whether or not he has been faithful if he's asking for a DNA test. Just saying.....

I say this about the DNA test cause I have three male friends that had flings but took what they saw as the high road and payed CS as well as became a huge part of these children's lives. Then after 6 to 10 years they decided to have a DNA test done only to find out they weren't the father. It really broke all of there hearts they all had fallen in love with these children. After this news tho they all have continued to be a part of these children's lives. But, they do not pay child support any more and the BM'S in all of these cases does not have to pay them back. I find this a great injustice to these men on numerous levels...

Do you in fact know the statistics on how many children born into a marriage are not the husbands'? You'd be surprised across how many fathers I come who were in what they thought a stable relationship/marriage and find out years later that they are not related to their children.

I have zero issues with a paternity test per se ... my own brother insisted on taking one, was ruled out .... guy no. 3 or 4 on the list won the lucky ticket. As I said, I'd have taken it myself.

But try to see the other side ... I've had quite a bit of fun in my life ... I was single, carefree ... and some more conservative soals out there would have probably called it "sleeping around". I don't think, however, that there was a single time in my "single career" where I couldn't have told you with 100% certainty who'd have been the father of my imaginary child. So I can guarantee you that I would have been very insulted indeed had my ex suggested a paternity test.

So we've got a hormonal pregnant girl on one side, probably very worried about the future .... and the next thing SHE hears is "you are just the local bike anyway".

I'm not saying that he shouldn't have insisted on his paternity test .... if he was my son I'd have insisted he took one. But, as the OP herself admits, her DF didn't choose the smartest way to get to what he needed for assurance, he simply ignored the problem ... not once, but twice.

So now we've got this single mother, who managed for 2 years on her own, because she had to. Can you see that SHE doesn't really think that meeting half way in any respect is less stressful than continuing what she had been doing previously? She's got a "daddy" for her child, so I think she is hardly going to clap her hands with enthusiam at the BF's efforts to be "a real father" ... quite the contrary, she'd probably be delighted with the pay only option.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blindly siding with the mother here, nor I am saying he should step back and leave her be, because I myself think it's best that a child has two involved parents, if at all possible. But I get the feeling that the BF in the OP's situation caused the majority of this chaos which now affects not only him, but his new partner and their new child.

I could see a lot of upset and desperation in the OP's post ... but very little acknowledgement that the root of the problem was mainly (not solely) her DF, and this is what I'm struggling with. Sure, the OP has the right to a carefree life, to a family, to as little stress and as much fun as possible, don't we all? Yet putting it all on the BM's doorstep is the easy way out.

I agree with everything you've said...I just think that they ALL need to get past the blame game and focus on the child. The BM had to realize that if she was going to get CS there was a chance the BF would want to get to know his kid. Every sitch is different and like every conversation here, were are all giving our opinions on one side of the story,,,,There's three sides to the truth yours, mine and the truth===Don Henly

Pero
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:21 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting madre420:

I agree with everything you've said...I just think that they ALL need to get past the blame game and focus on the child. The BM had to realize that if she was going to get CS there was a chance the BF would want to get to know his kid. Every sitch is different and like every conversation here, were are all giving our opinions on one side of the story,,,,There's three sides to the truth yours, mine and the truth===Don Henly

Madre, I fully agree with you ... but it's pointless telling people they NEED to do a, b or c if they are truly convinced they are doing the right thing.

As the OP said, she can't change how her DF acted in the past  ... the same unfortunately applies to BM, the OP can't change her (re)actions, which are connected to the past.

The only thing that's left to do is damage limitation ... avoid direct contact between the parties as much as possible, make it as good a possible for the kid ... and hope for the best.

madre420
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:36 PM


Quoting Pero:

 

Quoting madre420:

I agree with everything you've said...I just think that they ALL need to get past the blame game and focus on the child. The BM had to realize that if she was going to get CS there was a chance the BF would want to get to know his kid. Every sitch is different and like every conversation here, were are all giving our opinions on one side of the story,,,,There's three sides to the truth yours, mine and the truth===Don Henly

Madre, I fully agree with you ... but it's pointless telling people they NEED to do a, b or c if they are truly convinced they are doing the right thing.

As the OP said, she can't change how her DF acted in the past  ... the same unfortunately applies to BM, the OP can't change her (re)actions, which are connected to the past.

The only thing that's left to do is damage limitation ... avoid direct contact between the parties as much as possible, make it as good a possible for the kid ... and hope for the best.

AMEN!!!!!!

my2boysOG
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 1:13 PM

I have been in a similar situation for 13 years.  I have two kids of my own with my now husband, and I feel differently towards them than I do for my step child. I hope and believe that thats ok. You did not create the situation and you can not be at fault for your feelings. As long as you are not taking them out on his daughter.  Its hard being a step parent, and even harder when the bio parents dont get along. Stay strong, let him have time with this daughter, it will suck and hurt but sometimes you have to walk away and let them have their time together without you.  but stay postive, thing will work out!

jeklzz
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 2:25 PM
1 mom liked this

What comes to mind first is to get a Parenting Coordinator .  They will be the go between to settle disputes between BD and BM and help to keep court cost down.  This way they do not have to speak to each other, the child isnt put in middle and you don't have to hear/speak her.  The best thing you can do is have NO CONTACT with her.   I could bore you with details as to why this is a good idea.......

As far as the child not wanting to come over, this will change!  My husband has custody and we have the kids 300 days a year.  They visit the BM only 4 times a year now.  At first, my step-son (son) would scream, kick and cry saying that he didn't want to go with "her"  and that he hated his BM when he was 4.  My husband would have to put him in the car with tear rolling down his face because he didn't want to go with her.  It's now 4 years later and although he doesn't always want to go, he has gotten used to the situation. 

In time you will come to love this child as if he/she were your own flesh and blood, it won't happen overnight, but if you allow yourself, it will happen.  Remember the child didn't come into the world by choice......

Realize that things won't always be the way they are now.  Trust me, we have been to court 2 times and about to go again to make modifications to the parenting time. 

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