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New at blending families and frustrated

Posted by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:02 PM
  • 48 Replies

Hi I have been married for 2 months now and have been living together for over a year.  We have 2 kids at home with us one from each of us, mine is a teenager and his is 5yrs old and is mainly just with us for an extended weekend every other week.  The kids get along with each other and with the new step parent...the problem lies with the different parenting styles we have.. I am more structured and he is more layed back.  Again, this is not the real problem because he can see that structure works and makes us happier.  The real problem is that I am used to being the mom in my house (I also have 2 other kids that are off to college) and he had a mear 6 months alone with his little with just a few overnights a week.  I think that he is too attached to her every move, he puts her to bed every night...cute I know but sometimes he is up there so long that he falls asleep.  He picks up her favorite foods even though I have already done the shopping.  He jumps every time she says "Daddy can you..."  That drives me crazy.  At 5 I had to teach her how to go in the cupboard and get a cup to get water out of the fridge because he just does everything for her.                 Again, I have made subtle changes or have learned to bend on things...the thing that comes between us the most is when he vetos something I tell her like " we need to give you a bath after dinner" he will say "no we can do that later" or anything I say that she needs to do like homework or clean her room or just about anything he says "No that ok she doesn't need to do that".

I was married for 22yrs and never had to ask or get an opinion on whether or not give my kid a bath...now that it is not my kid but a part of my family do I as the mother of the house have to pass things by him?  Daily routine things?  I guess I should be happy he loves his kid but it really frustrates me and sometimes I feel like it is 2 families living under the same roof not a mother and a father raising 2 kids?

Any help as to how best to handle this?

by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Ms.Gwen
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:08 PM
If he wants to Disneyland parent I would disengage pronto. I wouldn't want anyone blaming me' for the impending disasterous outcome! Nope, no way! I'm not gettin blamed for his inability to parent!
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:10 PM
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Quoting need2blend:

do I as the mother of the house have to pass things by him? 


You are not the mother of the house. You are the mother of your child, in the house, and the stepmother of your husband's child. Yes, he calls the shots with his own child. I think it's nice that he stops by the store to get things for her and puts her to bed. Remember he has a lot less time with his child than you have ever had with yours. Imagine if you saw your child only a few days every two weeks.

I would not worry about "blending' at this point. You are in a brand new stepfamily. It takes a long time to blend, often several years. There is no rush. For now, I would just let him parent his child the way he wants.

The only thing he is doing that would concern me is over-ruling you in front of your SD. If you say "it's time for a bath" he should not say "no we can do that later." The two of you need to talk about that kind of thing when SD is not around. If he wants to over-rule you, he should not do it in front of SD because it will give SD the message that he (Dad) does not value your input, and therefore there is no need for her to value it either. So that's something that I hope he can stop doing, but it stems from you trying to make parenting decisions for his child, which he is not on board with.

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:13 PM
I think you should let him handle his kid the way he wants to and back off. The kid is only there a few days a month so it really shouldn't bother you that much.
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LemonZest
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:15 PM

He doesn't respond to "the stare"?  lol

She's his kid, and she's not with you often.  Let him dote on her.  You can discuss the differences of opinion with him when she's not there and let him know how you feel it reflects on the relationship you'd like to develop with her.  To me, it sounds more like he's being a typical NCP, perhaps over-compensating for not seeing her all the time and trying to be maintain the fun parent status.

Sunseg
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:19 PM
2 moms liked this
The over-ruling concernes me too. Sd will catch on quick(I'm sure she already has) and will be even harder to handle because ur words will
mean nothing to her.
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:21 PM


Quoting LemonZest:

He doesn't respond to "the stare"?  lol


LOL!

need2blend
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:21 PM

The problem really is that he says I have carte blanche when it comes to everything about her but then he does this vetoing me all the time.  A couple weeks ago he did the bath time thing as he always does so this time I threw my hands in the air and decided that bath and teeth brushing would be all up to him and not stress myself out about it anymore.  Well that didn't go over very well...she went three days with no bath or teeth brushed.  So I stepped in and said that he needed to loosen up on the reins and let me in.  Afterall fathers are not used to taking care of these needs for a child unless we ask them to.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:28 PM


Quoting need2blend:

The problem really is that he says I have carte blanche when it comes to everything about her but then he does this vetoing me all the time.  A couple weeks ago he did the bath time thing as he always does so this time I threw my hands in the air and decided that bath and teeth brushing would be all up to him and not stress myself out about it anymore.  Well that didn't go over very well...she went three days with no bath or teeth brushed.  So I stepped in and said that he needed to loosen up on the reins and let me in.  Afterall fathers are not used to taking care of these needs for a child unless we ask them to.

He was taking care of her needs before you came along, and you haven't been there very long. I would not say it is true that fathers are not used to taking care of these needs. That is pretty insulting to fathers.

With regard to teeth brushing and baths - your DH shot himself in the foot when he over-ruled you about bathtime in front of SD. Now it is 10 times harder for you to get her to listen to you and you will be chasing her around the house to get her in the tub, which will make you frustrated.... I think the "carte blanche" was laziness, just his attempt to get you to do his dirty work for him.

Don't do it.

yes it's gross that a 5yo gets no bath and has icky teeth. Say to him, "hey DH, do you realize that your daughter has not brushed her teeth in 3 days? do you think that is healthy?"  But don't do it for him.

If he *supported you* in your attempts to parent his child, such as if you said "sD it's time to take a bath" and he immediately said "yes, SM is right, time for a bath!"....you'd be in a different position of authority and you could do the bath thing. but that is not the situation you have.

need2blend
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:32 PM

Honestly I think that it is sweet that he dotes on her and he is a good father but its the day to day stuff that a family does to move through the day that is frustrating. 

On a side note he also has an 18yr old that moved out on her own and there relationship is strained bc he doted on her her whole life and she is a sassy independant young lady and he resents how she treats him bc he has this idealistic veiw of how their life was and that she was always a daddy's girl.  He is stuck in time with her and now she is grown up and to him doesn't seem to appriciate all that doting he once gave her.

LoriDeen
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:39 PM


Quoting need2blend:

The problem really is that he says I have carte blanche when it comes to everything about her but then he does this vetoing me all the time.  A couple weeks ago he did the bath time thing as he always does so this time I threw my hands in the air and decided that bath and teeth brushing would be all up to him and not stress myself out about it anymore.  Well that didn't go over very well...she went three days with no bath or teeth brushed.  So I stepped in and said that he needed to loosen up on the reins and let me in.  Afterall fathers are not used to taking care of these needs for a child unless we ask them to.

I take exception to your comment that "fathers are not used to taking care of these needs for a child unless we ask them to." Perhaps he is vetoing you (which he should do; a unted front is crucial) because you don't treat him like an equal  in parenting. You seem to view him as a glorified babysitter while you do the "real" work of parenting.  Give him some credit and clearly tell him that baths, etc. are his job. I bet he'll step up to the plate. Many men raise children on their own and do a great job.

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