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New at blending families and frustrated

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Hi I have been married for 2 months now and have been living together for over a year.  We have 2 kids at home with us one from each of us, mine is a teenager and his is 5yrs old and is mainly just with us for an extended weekend every other week.  The kids get along with each other and with the new step parent...the problem lies with the different parenting styles we have.. I am more structured and he is more layed back.  Again, this is not the real problem because he can see that structure works and makes us happier.  The real problem is that I am used to being the mom in my house (I also have 2 other kids that are off to college) and he had a mear 6 months alone with his little with just a few overnights a week.  I think that he is too attached to her every move, he puts her to bed every night...cute I know but sometimes he is up there so long that he falls asleep.  He picks up her favorite foods even though I have already done the shopping.  He jumps every time she says "Daddy can you..."  That drives me crazy.  At 5 I had to teach her how to go in the cupboard and get a cup to get water out of the fridge because he just does everything for her.                 Again, I have made subtle changes or have learned to bend on things...the thing that comes between us the most is when he vetos something I tell her like " we need to give you a bath after dinner" he will say "no we can do that later" or anything I say that she needs to do like homework or clean her room or just about anything he says "No that ok she doesn't need to do that".

I was married for 22yrs and never had to ask or get an opinion on whether or not give my kid a bath...now that it is not my kid but a part of my family do I as the mother of the house have to pass things by him?  Daily routine things?  I guess I should be happy he loves his kid but it really frustrates me and sometimes I feel like it is 2 families living under the same roof not a mother and a father raising 2 kids?

Any help as to how best to handle this?

by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 3:02 PM
Replies (41-48):
ShannaBee
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 7:36 PM
I honestly don't see the problem other than disagreeing in front of her.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 1, 2011 at 8:05 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting need2blend:

  whatIknownow...thank you for this insight.  It's like landminds though and I have no idea where I am going to meet resistance.  I know it is bc it is still new but that's why I need help and you have giving me good feedback.  Do you have skids?


yes I do, I have a SD12 and a SS16.  They are great kids and I got lucky. My DH has custody, they see their mother every other weekend.

brendafrenda
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 8:47 PM

Yes, doting can turn a child into a sad adult.  I know someone like that.  Routines are important for all children- maybe more so for SKs.  Maybe have some house rules and set times for day to day things like: bath, bedtime, lunch, dinner, etc.  Try to ask him for his help- don't be frustrated when u bring it up.  Yes, you're not her mom, as has been pointed out- but homes with a basic liveable schedule usually have an easier time.  I'm not saying you can never give a little on your schedule- but try and get him to help come up with it.

Quoting need2blend:

Honestly I think that it is sweet that he dotes on her and he is a good father but its the day to day stuff that a family does to move through the day that is frustrating. 

On a side note he also has an 18yr old that moved out on her own and there relationship is strained bc he doted on her her whole life and she is a sassy independant young lady and he resents how she treats him bc he has this idealistic veiw of how their life was and that she was always a daddy's girl.  He is stuck in time with her and now she is grown up and to him doesn't seem to appriciate all that doting he once gave her.


need2blend
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 9:35 PM
Thank you very good input.
I spoke with him tonight and said that the Feedback I was getting is that I need to let him parent his bd and his response was that he wants us to do it together. He said that his time is limited with her so he said that he would like her to be able to do whatever she wants and not stress about it. My response was so we just plop her in fri t of the tv and not bother her? How does that build any kind of relationships for her. Plus he is ready to indulge her every whim so she grows up believing the world revolves around her. Am I wrong to think this is not good? Or do I just let him do it his way?
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brendafrenda
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 10:39 PM
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No, he is wrong.  He needs to step-up and father the child- even if it's just visitations.  He needs to make memories that are positive- I'm not saying be a disney dad, but spend time with her. 

He needs to be on your team- you are married now.  If I say "no", then if they go ask dad- he backs me up.  Vice- versa.  I don't care if you are not her mom- you are her step-mom and it is your home.  You live there, you are the adult in the home with your husband.  So, you get to be in charge of the children (bio. or SKs).  You are much more important to that little girl than people realize b/c her Daddy loves you.  He chose you.  You chose him and his kids.  This is your decision.  Don't listen to the negative- back-off comments.  You do what's right for all your kids, work on your parenting differences, his guilt about how his relationship is w/daughter etc.  If you can't work out your differences together go get counseling.  My husband took a while to realize what a great mom I was...lol!   

If your SD was hating you- I would have diff. advice- but this sounds just like a prob. b/t you and husband.

brendafrenda
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 10:46 PM
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Don't let him do it his way.  Don't do it your way.  This sounds like a power struggle.  Come up with rules/situations and consequences.  Let him know this is really important that you help one another be consistent.  Be kind when you speak to him, let him make some rules too.  Set up splurge times, say from 7-8 every Fri. nite.  Where he can spoil her however he wants.  Give them alone time.  You might take some time with her too.  Counselors can help with this. 

Maybe go out of town one weekend when he has her.  When u come back- he may have a whole new respect for you and your parenting style. 

Quoting need2blend:

Thank you very good input.
I spoke with him tonight and said that the Feedback I was getting is that I need to let him parent his bd and his response was that he wants us to do it together. He said that his time is limited with her so he said that he would like her to be able to do whatever she wants and not stress about it. My response was so we just plop her in fri t of the tv and not bother her? How does that build any kind of relationships for her. Plus he is ready to indulge her every whim so she grows up believing the world revolves around her. Am I wrong to think this is not good? Or do I just let him do it his way?


5monkeysplus1
by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 11:54 PM
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My Dh was a similar parent. I say WAS because he didnt know better. He saw my kids, heard what I explained to him about consistency, rules etc...and we took a few parenting classes/seminars together (and he took one on his own) and we have since been on the same page parenting wise. I was stubborn in my habits too and made some changes as well. So, I say talk to Dh and see if he sees what things bother you that are valid. Explain where you are coming from and how you think sd will benefit (and how she will grow up if she is taught that the world revolves around her...how much that will hinder her becoming a good, responsible adult which is after all what a parents primary job is...raising their chld to be a responsible adult. The best thing he could EVER give her is that. A wonderful life). If he is not on board, then I agree with disengaging. I, personally, would not want that in my home...2 separate families, but that is someting that should have been discussed and decided prior to marriage/attempting to blend families. My SS was 15 months old when we started dating and DH was a first time parent who worked a lot so he hadnt really been in the trenches much.

divinemfc
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:00 AM
I am too in kind of a similar situation. I am not married yet but have been living together for 2 years with my 2 SD's, SS and biological son who is 19 months. My SD's are 13 and 11 and my SS is 9. Their mother passed away 6 years ago so we have them full time. We both have very different parenting styles. - too am very structured and my boyfriend is very laid back. The kids have always been overcompensated for because they lost their mother. The only arguements we ever get inti are about the kids when we disagree on something. Most of the time I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I constantly tell him that he has to start doing the discipling as opposed to it always being me. I also have problems where I tell them they can't do something or have to do something and then he will do the opposite. So unfortunately I don't have a solution for you, but I do share in the same frustrations you do. Let me know if you come up with something that works.
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