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What would you do?

Posted by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:00 AM
  • 16 Replies

My youngest SD told us a while back ago she really doesn't want to go to BM's for visitation anymore. Our OSD just announced when BM missed the last visitation, she doesn't want to go all the time just every once ina while. I would love to respect their wishes but that would mean another trip to court. The biggest problem is, my oldest would be able to get what she wishes because, in the eyes of our courts, she is old enough to decide how often she goes for visitation but the youngest in not old enough. We would hate for them to be split in that manner and we also do not want to send the youngest by herself. Is this something we should pursue now, or wait wait the little over 2 yrs we have before the youngest is old enough? BM does not come for all her visitation, in fact in October saw them for 1 overnight (which she brought them home 5 hours early) and a 3 hour period another day. I'm so torn. Ever since BM has returned, I have encouraged that relationship (and I will be honest, it has pained me at times because I have raised the little one from a yr as my own) but I know that relationship isn't always best for the kids. Ugh, I'm so torn!

by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:00 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ShannaBee
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:06 AM
I understand BM isn't always trying to take her visitation but you and your DH need to encourage visits and encourage a relationship with BM. I don't believe kids should dictate things of this nature because it does disrupt relationships.
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rebeccasmly
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 1:38 AM
1 mom liked this

I completelt agree about encouraging that relationship, even though BM has tried to damage the relatioship I have with them. The oldest knows she is old enough to choose how often she sees BM thanks to BM. BM told her for months, at your next birthday, you can come see me as often as you want, that DH and I can't stop it. Which now, months after that birthday, SD is remembering that and wants to use that as an excuse not to go. When YSD said something a while back, I told her she needed to go because it was important that she does and that I understood why she didn't but the right thing to do. (The situation at BM's is not good at all, in fact after receiving advice here, we have turned over some incidents to CPS because of the LO that lives there full time that endangers the LO) I want to encourage that relatioship but at times wonder how healthy that relatioship is for the children and if its in their best interest. KWIM?

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 7:11 AM
I would wait a year before encouraging bf to take action. This could be a passing thing. Long term, having a good relationship with bio parents is typically healthy for kids.
Ms.Gwen
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 7:21 AM
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By giving kids the choice you make them responsible for the outcome of the decision. In time SD could feel guilty about breaking off the relationship with her mother, especially if her mother acts like a child about it. I think it's best to blame the judge that put tge visitation in place. Just tell the skids "it's the law cause it's in the CO", atleast until they're both old enough to decide... At that point let them. Then if BM takes you to court about it she will be wasting her time.
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 7:55 AM

If you are court ordered to send them, then send them. If BM would like to let them skip their visits, that's her call. From your end you have to send them.

maybaby22
by Silver Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 11:35 AM

 

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

By giving kids the choice you make them responsible for the outcome of the decision. In time SD could feel guilty about breaking off the relationship with her mother, especially if her mother acts like a child about it. I think it's best to blame the judge that put tge visitation in place. Just tell the skids "it's the law cause it's in the CO", atleast until they're both old enough to decide... At that point let them. Then if BM takes you to court about it she will be wasting her time.

 Exactly. I don't beleive in giving kids (13 years old I assume?) to choose what they do in this regard- it gives them too much power. Kids have parents for a reason. Tell the kids they need to go and if BM decides to skip out then so be it.

gracieb3
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 11:43 AM
If neither child is being abused or neglected at the visits then I'd encourage them to go everytime. Which seems like not much anyway. I'd let this drag out until the kids are both old enough to decide. I'd also do a little extra for the older for going along as she is in essence helping to watch over the younger child. If things are already this spaced, they will become more distant over theft two years. Expect some flare ups at Holidays but it will return to distant soon after. Don't rock the boat. Explain to the children that they should spend time with their birthmom, that you miss them but know they need this and you can't wait to hug and squeeze them once home. Never speak ill of BM if they could overhear. Congrats on raising beautiful children and loving them like yours. For they are as God makes no mistakes.
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madre420
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:07 PM

WOW!!! I think everyone here needs to know more about what's going on at BM's house.....

I say this cause my mom and father divorced when I was 9. BF was beyond abusive. Like this BM did not get me on regular visits...which thrilled me, but ultimately when he wanted me I had to go. Which I'm sure a phsycologist  would say fu**ed me up...Soooo I think if you want sound advice from everyone maybe you could give us a little more info on BM.

RTXmommy06
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:20 PM

 

Quoting maybaby22:

 

 Kids have parents for a reason. Tell the kids they need to go and if BM decides to skip out then so be it.

 EXACTLY! I wish everyone realized this lol. but then again we'd live in a boring world if that were the case

LemonZest
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:24 PM

Follow the CO.  If BM skips the visits, so be it.  Keep a journal of missed visits or early returns.  This protects you.

Meanwhile, find out from SDs why it is they no longer wish to see their mom.  If there is abuse (physical, emotional, psychological) taking place, then get them with a counselor.  That way the girls' concerns and details of the situation will be documented via 3rd party and available if/when another trip to court occurs.  If they're simply not interested in BM and not bonded, that's different.  They'll just have to accept that she is their mother, and she has the right to see her children.

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