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My youngest SD told us a while back ago she really doesn't want to go to BM's for visitation anymore. Our OSD just announced when BM missed the last visitation, she doesn't want to go all the time just every once ina while. I would love to respect their wishes but that would mean another trip to court. The biggest problem is, my oldest would be able to get what she wishes because, in the eyes of our courts, she is old enough to decide how often she goes for visitation but the youngest in not old enough. We would hate for them to be split in that manner and we also do not want to send the youngest by herself. Is this something we should pursue now, or wait wait the little over 2 yrs we have before the youngest is old enough? BM does not come for all her visitation, in fact in October saw them for 1 overnight (which she brought them home 5 hours early) and a 3 hour period another day. I'm so torn. Ever since BM has returned, I have encouraged that relationship (and I will be honest, it has pained me at times because I have raised the little one from a yr as my own) but I know that relationship isn't always best for the kids. Ugh, I'm so torn!

by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Replies (11-16):
pepper504
by Gold Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:28 PM

BM is not exercising her visitation as it is, so they kids not wanting to go on what little time that she does exercise is ridiculous to me.  They have to go as it is COed. Unless they are in harm's way, nothing is going to be done by the courts. 

rebeccasmly
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 2:35 PM

I'm sorry I didn't give much history. A lot fo this is stemming from issues I talked about in my last post here about a month or so ago. My youngest came to me extremely upset over some of the things going on over at BMs. And some of the stuff going on is neglect, which is why we did as suggested by some in this group and contacted CPS because there is a 2 yr old living there. The reason the youngest doesn't want to go is because they are responsible for everything, preparing meals (if there is food to prepare), watching baby sister, caring for baby sister, they even had to do the potty training when they would visit. I explained to SD at that point she needed to go whenever BM decided to pick them up. Its the right thing to do at this point and even though BM is not really around when they are over, the relationship with her baby sister is important. The stuff she told me broke my heart though. Now my oldest, who was informed of her decision making power by BM, has decided she doesn't want to go. At this point we will be making her go even though she is using the line "BM said after my last birthday I could decide how often I want to go". If for nothing else. so her and YSD can stick together. This is not a passing phase that will go away. As long as BM does not live with her parents, each and every visitation will be like this. We have seen this cycle in the past 5+ yrs she has been back in their lives. I understand their relationship with BM is important which is why I have always encouraged that relationship and would do nothing to harm it. I was just seeking advice on what would be the best way to handle this. If it is something we should consider going to court over now or hold out until the youngest is old enough in the courts eyes. (Me personally, I have issues with the age thing which is why we never planned to act on it or even inform the children but BM felt it necessary). I want to make sure we do the right thing by the children, not what I want or DH wants or even what the children say they want, but what is best for them and some days, I just don't know. That relationship is important but the environment over there is not healthy for them (emotionally or even physically at times) I battle about it because they are never over there more then 2 days a month anymore and they are older now and independent (full cooking skills and such) so they should be fine but then no child should have to endure the emotional stress BM them under. Am I making any sense? I feel like I am talking in circles. All I want is what is best for them.

jeklzz
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 3:55 PM

Try using a Parent Coordinator.  They are a great resource and sometimes can make changes to the parenting plan (if both parties can agree) without out having the huge expense of going to court.

 

julie0207
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 4:53 PM
1 mom liked this

If it's a safe environment, I also think encouraging the relationship is best, but it sounds like the environment at BMs may not be safe? That makes a difference. What's in the child's best interest?

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 2, 2011 at 5:17 PM

 

Quoting madre420:

WOW!!! I think everyone here needs to know more about what's going on at BM's house.....

I say this cause my mom and father divorced when I was 9. BF was beyond abusive. Like this BM did not get me on regular visits...which thrilled me, but ultimately when he wanted me I had to go. Which I'm sure a phsycologist  would say fu**ed me up...Soooo I think if you want sound advice from everyone maybe you could give us a little more info on BM.

 I agree w gwen and Madre on this matter.Imo if they are able to not get P/E scarred by the visits,then Do what Gwen said...

But on the other hand are we looking at this bc its the BM??I know that even though my dd's BF has Co'd one a weknd a month,The environment he was taking them to( I learned later on that month) my dd's were going to bed alone in a dark room,crying holding eachother my dd9 holding my dd8 So she would "stop shaking" from crying.While BF was out in the living room w gf fighting like cats and dogs.and in the next room her teenage son which is a cholo,was smoking weed and noone was protecting my dd's!So I dont care what a Court Order says,They were missing the next visit.

Screw the paper!(I couldnt get er co in place,there was "no threat")when he called the cops since I didnt let him visit w dd's on a holiday,I told the cops why and even though he said he can take me to jail(wth) but he wasnt going to, (I can remember certain words i was so livid,and some is a blur) as long as I let bf take them..That was horrible..sorry so long,But I do get both ways now that I heard madres...

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 2, 2011 at 5:18 PM

BUMP!

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