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DH ex again at another family function?? How to deal with it?? Help

Posted by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:01 AM
  • 18 Replies

My dh and I have been married little over 7 yrs. His ex and her current spouse and child from this marriage attend all his family functions.Weddings, showers and birthday parties. I really never thought when we got married that this would happen. Does this happen more than I think. I talk to other friends and family of my own and it seems to really blow their minds????  I just am over it. I can't help but to think it is just to irritate us. The wedding is 3 hrs away from our home town and they are still going. Get frustrated at his family as well.. Is it really necessary to invite exs to family events. I mean if you want a relationship have lunch or somethg. dh has a 11 and 14 yr old from this marriage and family say they do this for them..dont want them to think they arent accepting still of their mom. My dh isnt invited to her family events. I wonder if this is going to make my skids think something bad wrong with us but mom so special??? Help me

by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:12 AM

They were invited to this wedding. You think they accepted the invitation and are going to this wedding JUST to irritate you?

They probably don't give a rats ass about you. Obviously the bride or groom invited them to the wedding so clearly they have a relationship with those people that has nothing to do with you.

This I don't even understand: " I wonder if this is going to make my skids think something bad wrong with us but mom so special??"   Why would your stepkids think there is something wrong with YOU just because they and their mother were invited to a wedding? Were you NOT invited?

AmyB118
by NA Rocks on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:14 AM
My FIL passed on 10/17. SSs are both adults and DH and BM havent been together since OSS was 4. BM came to the funeral (she tends to show at those events) and was on her best behavior that day. Actually quite helpful.

When I found out she was coming I had a mental breakdown bc she usually tries to play the DIL when his entire family can't really stomach her. It's usually a mess. This time it wasn't. I was pleasantly surprised.

I guess Ive just gotten used to her being around then. I dont always like it but I tolerate it.

Good luck Momma.
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MrsCohen
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:21 AM

I wish I could help.  But I understand how having ex still included in all events is akward.  I deal with it, too.  I just Keep Clam and Carry On!  If people know you are wigging out they will continue to push buttons.  I am sure your Skids are thinking "why is mom always at BFs family things but not the other way around?"  they are old enough to get that is is weird.  Just have fun.

jmgarzamom
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:21 AM
I have this happen alot & i have been with dh for 4 yrs but he has 2 bms. So really it just depends on the relationship u have with bm. In my case bm 1 is one of my best friends and yes we have disagreements but we talk & get over them. But bm 2 is a diff story we cant stand eachother & for a long time she wanted dh back so she would do all she could to get him back family functions ect. the way i look at it is if you met this person (bm) in a diff place no dh around didnt know who she was would you become her friend? Go from there if yes then treat her as such if no then respect her as a person cause she is your sks mom and talk with dh about it. You dont always have to attend every function either. And no there is nothing wrong with not having bm at YOUR family functions.
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shannonw79
by Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:32 AM
There are a lot of times when ex wives/husbands of my siblings are invited to our family events. In my family, just because you divorce someone doesn't mean the whole family does. If we all spent 20 years
building a relationship with someone that love doesn't go away just
because of the divorce of two people. I have one ex sil we all love dearly. She will always be a part of this family. My brother cut ties with us (this its just one reason) and that was his choice, still accepting her as sister,daughter, ect, was ours.
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shiloh39
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 10:50 AM

Yes I was invited to the wedding. My son is actually in the wedding. I dont think it is necessary for exs to be invited to family events.  I wonder as kids get older they may wonder why their dad wasnt invited to events by their mom's family..which I think is totally normal for him to not be included in family events as they are no longer married.   I guess I should add that dh & bm function well when it comes to skids but we dont like hang out or even have birthday parties for the kids together. I just find it weird to attend events of an ex.

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 11:00 AM
My parents have been divorced for over 20 years. My mom still attends things like baby showers and family reunions for my dad's family. My dad's sister is my mom's best friend and my mom is very close to my dad's family. My stepmom has never had an issue with it. I think it's nice.
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maybaby22
by Silver Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 11:24 AM

I have a similar situation- BM was included in a lot of things and vice versa we are invited to a lot of her families events. I think there should be some boundries though- for instance I don't want to see BM at every family shower I go to or wedding for that matter but I also dont make a big deal about it. It got to the point where BM expected to be invited to everything we had at our house and I needed DH to put up some boundries. If it is really bothering you ask DH what he thinks about it? Does it bother him at all? Does he think its a good thing? If it bothers him as well he should address it with his family. If it doesn't then you'll just have to let it go.

LemonZest
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:01 PM

Is she coming as family or friend?

When divorce occurs, the people do cease to be family, whether other family members agree or not.  For example, an ex-SIL is not a SIL.  She's no longer family.  She can, however, remain a near and dear friend, and there's nothing wrong with that.  I really think that's where the issue lies: failing to recognize the difference between friend and family.   If it is truly a family event (i.e., family reunion, extended family Christmas), then it is inappropriate to invite the ex, regardless of how close they remain to the family.  Many of the events listed though - weddings, showers, birthdays - are for family and friends, in which case it is appropriate to invite good friends even if they may also happen to be ex-relatives.  One would hope the exes and any new spouses/SOs could be mature enough to cooperate for the benefit of the host.

shiloh39
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 12:46 PM

She is still referred to as "aunt..."    I guess I struggle with where I fit in. My dh and I have been married even longer than they were.  I think it could be confusing for my children to hear people refer to her as aunt and wonder if they are going to think she is their aunt....so i suppose she comes as continued family which I think is most disturbing of all. She always has to act more important and always know more info & history of family events than me which I is most irritating

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