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Not sure how to handle this or what to think.

Posted by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 5:27 PM
  • 11 Replies

I guess a little background first before I get into what I want to ask. My first hubby and I split up some time ago and for the first several months he was an active part of our sons life and then he just . . . stopped. He doesnt call or visit him or anything. My son hasnt seen him in almost 5 months. Hes only 5 years old. Hes to the point where he can understand what a  dad is. My current hubby and I have been together for a year and has always treated my son like he treats his kids. Hes never made my son feel left out. They get alot wonderfully.

 So My hubby went to pick my son up from school today its half a block away so we walk. And i guess wen he got there the teacher said "theres your dad" (this is my sons first year of school and naturally his father hasnt been involved so they dont know the background). My sondint say anything but left with my hubby. I guess on the way home my hubb was asking my son what was wrong and m y son said that he didnt have a dad that JD (his BFs real name) used to be his dad but that he wasnt anymore. My hubb didnt really know what to say becuase he didnt want to say anything bad about my sons BF so he left it at that and came home.

So anyway I am really at ends with HOW to deal with this. Hes FIVE years old for damns sakes! My son knows who his father his but he sees it that because hes not around and doest really bother with him its almost like my 5 year old has lost respect for him. He even refuses to call him dad and refers to him by his first name only. My hubby and I have never said anythign bad about him in front of my son or ever referred to him in a bad manner in front of him either.

When they got home my son refused to tell me what was wrong and what they talked about so I didnt push it and left it at that.

I just really dont know what to do. Any advice?

by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 5:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LemonZest
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 5:49 PM
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Have the "sometimes children don't live with their mommy/daddy" talk. 

When BM was absent, I tried to give her an out.  She was in rehab, so I said she was sick and unable to visit just yet.  You don't say why your ex is absentee, but if there's anyway to salvage his reputation with your son, I think that's the best way to go about it.  He may develop his own opinion when he's old enough to really get it, but at least the door stays open to have a relationship if he decides to become involved again.

gracieb3
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 5:54 PM
1 mom liked this
I'd explain it terms of a five year old. I say you have two dads. Your dad, JD and you dad, (insert hubby's name.) then I'd explain that when your hubby married you he married your family. That means he took you as his wife and your family as his family. So that make your don his son and him your son's dad. Tell him to call him other dad if that is easier but that he is not without a father, for he has three, his dad, your husband and God our father.
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 2, 2011 at 6:03 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with both ladies above. I am not a fan of "replacement daddy or mommy" but in this case... Dad has really abandoned him.  All the other kids in his class have a dad and he wants one too.

but this is risky.. BF could return to his life... could be messy.  do you know why he hasn't been in contact?

RTXmommy06
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 6:10 PM

 You need to talk to him. he's clearly struggling with it, and he needs to know that he still has YOU.

when i was 4 my mom packed up the house and called my dad told me to tell him goodbye and she took off with me. She did this periodically for days at a time until my dad divorced her and got custody of me. After that happened my mom wanted nothing to do with me. I took it very hard and didn't understand why my mom didn't want me, and I am SO thankful that my dad was there to tell me otherwise. Of course, I don't remember what he said when i asked, that was a LONG time ago. But, one thing I always knew was that i had my dad and he was there to take care of me.

your son needs to know he's still loved and its not his fault. poor kiddo :( good luck with everything, i hope it all turns out ok...

brendafrenda
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 6:11 PM

It sounds like your response so far has been good.  I agree w/LemonZest and GracieB3.  Whatever you do... keep him talking so he doesn't bottle up his emotions.  Validate his feelings.  Did u say what he calls your hubby?  I would leave that up to your son- don't expect him to call him dad if he doesn't want to.  My SS goes back and forth b/t mom and my name- I answer to both. 

This is so sad b/c he obviously feels abandoned.  Let him know that he has you and hubby who love him.  It's good that he has a stable man to be his father figure. 

AmY403
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 7:16 PM
1 mom liked this

He calls my hubby "red" its a nick name that his friends have for him and my son calls him that but when my SKIDS are here they are always "DAD DAD DAD" and sometimes my son slips and calls him dad too but hes never corrected him. He seems to know that he is not his father but that he is there for him. Which I am very grateful for.

Quoting brendafrenda:

It sounds like your response so far has been good.  I agree w/LemonZest and GracieB3.  Whatever you do... keep him talking so he doesn't bottle up his emotions.  Validate his feelings.  Did u say what he calls your hubby?  I would leave that up to your son- don't expect him to call him dad if he doesn't want to.  My SS goes back and forth b/t mom and my name- I answer to both. 

This is so sad b/c he obviously feels abandoned.  Let him know that he has you and hubby who love him.  It's good that he has a stable man to be his father figure. 


AmY403
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 7:19 PM

Yeah he used to ask alot in the begining where his dad was and since he worked construction (traveling alot) i would just say he was on the road woroking which he always understood. It was when the phone calls stopped that he started feeling down about it. He ususally does ok but when someone else mentions to him about a dad you can see in his face its a sensitive subject to him.

Quoting LemonZest:

Have the "sometimes children don't live with their mommy/daddy" talk. 

When BM was absent, I tried to give her an out.  She was in rehab, so I said she was sick and unable to visit just yet.  You don't say why your ex is absentee, but if there's anyway to salvage his reputation with your son, I think that's the best way to go about it.  He may develop his own opinion when he's old enough to really get it, but at least the door stays open to have a relationship if he decides to become involved again.


AmY403
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 7:23 PM

He seems to get that he has my hubby in his life now and he really enjoys spending time with him and having that father figure around. We have never told him that he was his daddy now or anything to that effect he knew he had my hubby and he still had his dad. Of course that was back when his BF actually spent time with him.

I hate how he closes up and doesnt want to talk to me about it. And if i press it he just ignores me. So I leave it for awhile and see what happens in the next hour to see if i have another opp to see what hes thinking in that little mind of his.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I agree with both ladies above. I am not a fan of "replacement daddy or mommy" but in this case... Dad has really abandoned him.  All the other kids in his class have a dad and he wants one too.

but this is risky.. BF could return to his life... could be messy.  do you know why he hasn't been in contact?


Angelknot8
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 8:23 PM

I also usually disagree with a sp taking the name of a parent but if the parent is gone by choice then they made the choice to not be a parent. I would talk with ds tell him that ex is still his father but he's a lucky boy because now he has two. One who lives with him and one who doesn't and let him know he call either continue to call sd red, name whatever or dad.

  


 
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AmY403
by on Nov. 2, 2011 at 9:06 PM

yeah I would never tell my son his SD was his dad and thats it he does have a BF. I grew up with out my father in the picture so I feel especially awful that my son has a half-ass BF and a full time SD.

Quoting Angelknot8:

I also usually disagree with a sp taking the name of a parent but if the parent is gone by choice then they made the choice to not be a parent. I would talk with ds tell him that ex is still his father but he's a lucky boy because now he has two. One who lives with him and one who doesn't and let him know he call either continue to call sd red, name whatever or dad.


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