Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Opinions, please, on how to tell BM the news

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 7:55 AM
  • 20 Replies

Some background....DH and I have legal custody of BM's son (JR) from one night stand.  He moved in w/us from K-part of 2nd grade.  At 7, BM took him from school and moved him to another state. We got temp custody 7wks later. We fought for and were granted custody in a lengthy court battle.  It was 4 yrs from the time he moved in w/us until we received custody. 

Now the story....Yesterday I took JR to psychologist to have him accessed for ADD, which is now called ADHD-PI. He doesn't have the hyperactivity, just the inattentiveness.  After giving her the quick version of the long story, she tells me she's pretty sure it's PTSD.  BM took him and kept him for several weeks and cut off all contact w/us, half siblings, his friends and family.  That was her right, but we could prove that was not in the best interest of JR.  He felt abandoned by all of us.  BM's SO at the time saw JR as drinking money due to CS she received from BF, who wasn't in picture.  He really had no interest in the boy.  We emailed, mailed, and called everyday but were denied contact.  SK's attempted contact every day  and were also shut down.  Alcohol was her friend then, until the state caught up with her.  JR was mentally knocked down and has since become very passive aggressive. 

We tried therapy after we got him back, but he refused to discuss it.  At that time, she diagnosed him w/generalized anxiety with depression.   She said it may be best to give it a rest for a while and try again after he got a little older. The new psycologist is in the same practice as the old one, but the old one isn't practicing anymore.

I will say, after the session which included tears and hard questions for him, he was so talkative.  Usually I have to drag info about his day from him.  I got 30 minutes of his day on the way home.  We talked and laughed.  He was my little boy again.  

This is the short version, so if you have any questions, please ask......

The opinions I need are, how do I tell BM 'he has PTSD stemming from that time you took him'??  I feel she will not take it seriously.  She will think this is my attempt to cut her down and blame her for everything.  I had been emailing her regarding the ADHD thing.  We discussed our thoughts on treatment if it is ADHD.   She knew he had an appt. 

SK21 told me she would do it, but that's not the answer.  I am thinking of taking her with me when I tell her, in an effort to eliminate any misunderstanding.  We have another appt scheduled for a couple weeks. 

Thank you ladies.


by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 7:55 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 7:59 AM

I don't see why you have to tell BM that it's from what she did. Just say he has PTSD, and leave it at that.

Amy1973Potts
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 8:03 AM
Unless you are CO'ed to tell BM, why bother? Will she care? Will she use it to her advantage? Think about that before you do.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 8:16 AM
People who have caused PTSD are not going to be the type to suddenly turn nuturing and invoked in therapy, especially when told it was their fault.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
rebeccasmly
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 8:25 AM

I think I might give her the giagnosis and leave it at that. If she wants more info maybe ask the psychologist type up her diagnosis of the child and why.  That way its coming from the doctor not you directly. Our ped recommended it when my YSD was going through some health problems that were linked to the visitation with BM. BM would have argued and did as you say your BM will react but with the doctor's note in her hand, there wasn't any arguing. It also came in handy when she tried to tell the courts all their health problems came from our house and we had a copy of that note in our files.

Best of wishes to your SS and getting the care he needs. Poor little boy has been through a lot.

riverofgrass
by Bronze Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 8:33 AM
Quoting rebeccasmly:

I think I might give her the giagnosis and leave it at that. If she wants more info maybe ask the psychologist type up her diagnosis of the child and why.  That way its coming from the doctor not you directly. Our ped recommended it when my YSD was going through some health problems that were linked to the visitation with BM. BM would have argued and did as you say your BM will react but with the doctor's note in her hand, there wasn't any arguing. It also came in handy when she tried to tell the courts all their health problems came from our house and we had a copy of that note in our files.

Best of wishes to your SS and getting the care he needs. Poor little boy has been through a lot.






This is what I was thinking, that maybe you can ask the doctor to give the information to the BM with an explanation. I would not, as the SM, give the information to the BM. As a matter of fact it should be the DH who communicates on something so important about the child to the BM. I don't think she will even hear either of you unless the doctor tells her. She may want a second opinion....
SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 8:42 AM

I'm not sure what I would do. Probably have BM call the doctor or have the doctor send BM a letter about it. That way, you are not in the middle of it.

Ms.Gwen
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:02 AM
1 mom liked this
If you have full custody than you don't have to tell BM anything. Because of privacy laws the psych can't release the info to BM unless you give written consent. I have 2 skids with RAD because BM locked them in a room for the first 2 years of their lives. BM is not psychologically capable of accepting any kind of responsibility for their condition but RAD by definition is caused by a broken or never formed bond with the mother/ primary caretaker in the first 3 years of life. Therfore, who else could have caused it?! (DH was deployed when this happened) in my experience people who play the perpetual victim are not capable of accountability. IMO if you tell BM she will say that you and DH caused the PTSD by keeping SS from his mother no matter how evident your proof is. Instead of thinking "what can I do to help my son?!" she will think "how can I use this can get more sympathy, control, power, money, etc." though she will say the later and blame you. Reality to these 'victims' will forever be twisted to maintain the victim status. They will support their version of the truth to their own death rather than admit they are the problem. For that reason I implore you to not explain it/ tell BM because she will twist it in her sons mind as well doing further damage because what your SS needs is validation. BM is not capable of validating SS. That would require her to be accountable for her actions. Therfore all she can do is harm him further. Leave BMs involvement up to the professionals. Let SSs doctor/ therapist decide when and what BMs access to SS should entail. If what they reccomend is against the CO than make sure you get it in a letter you can show a judge. If it becomes necessary have an emergency custody hearing (with docs reccomendations in hand) to protect SS from BM. As custodial parents our first job is to protect the children even if that means we must protect them from their own parent.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
pseudomamma
by Silver Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:04 AM


Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't see why you have to tell BM that it's from what she did. Just say he has PTSD, and leave it at that.

Because PTSD is not something you're born with or inherit.  Something triggers it. She will want to know what that is.

whatIknownow
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:05 AM


Quoting pseudomamma:

 

Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't see why you have to tell BM that it's from what she did. Just say he has PTSD, and leave it at that.

Because PTSD is not something you're born with or inherit.  Something triggers it. She will want to know what that is.

If she asks that question, have her speak directly with the therapist. It should come directly from him anyway.

pseudomamma
by Silver Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:06 AM


Quoting Amy1973Potts:

Unless you are CO'ed to tell BM, why bother? Will she care? Will she use it to her advantage? Think about that before you do.

We are required to keep her updated regarding just this type of stuff.  She'll care.  She love her kids, she just can't take care of them.  She cannot use it to her advantage because the therapist will attest to the cause, thankfully. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)