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DH needs advise

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:09 AM
  • 11 Replies
His ex says that their 5 yr old has started to ask questions about why daddy and mommy can't live together. She says that my SD has "requested" that they all three should sit down and explain to her why. I'm not exactly sure what the ex is up to, DH and her dont get along so I suggested that he meet with her first so they can be on the page when the have this conversation with the child. I would hate for a 5yr old to be put between them if they can't even stand to be in the same room together. Or they can just talk and both can come up with something to tell her and then have this talk separately with her the next time she brings it up when she is with them. They have not been together since she was 2-1/2yrs so she doesn't remember life with all of them together. Ex says that she wants to do it now all together because that is what her daughter wants, she won't compromise.
Side note: ex has 5 kids by 3 men. 5yr old is the youngest.
Any thoughts?
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by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pseudomamma
by Silver Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:22 AM

Beware.  Is this an attempt by BM to 'show' SD whose fault it is BM/BD don't live together.  Do you suspect any ulterior motives?

BM/BD may have different reasons why.  Each should have the opportunity to explain their reason to SD w/o interference from the other.

12socks
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:28 AM

I think that they should come up with an agreement beforehand as well.  If BM is wanting to make Dad look bad to daughter, then, it is going to tear up their daughter more than she already is in the curiosity.  One suggestion, and this normally does take some money, is to have a counselor meet with the three of them.  One parent at a time and then all three of them.  If there is one who would do this on a one time basis, that would help because then he/she could assist in telling your SD what the reasons are and there would be very minimal arguing and less stress on your DH and BM; as well as SD.

bremery
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:31 AM

 I don't think this is a good idea right now. At 3 years old, a very easy answer should suffice.

whatIknownow
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:37 AM

SD may "request" a lot of things that her 5yo brain thinks is a good idea. It's a bad idea. Your DH should say no. Its not that hard to say "sometimes mommies and daddies don't live together but we both love you very much." DH doesn't need BM's permission to tell his daughter this.

need2blend
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:45 AM
I told him that it should be talked about on her time when she asks the question not by appointment bc of a 5 yr olds attention spam. If they sit her down at the wrong time she might not hear a word they say. She is not that serious of a child...more of a free-spirited one. BM is claiming that BD already agreed to this and it would break SD heart if they don't. I told him bs because SD doesn't understand the concept of today, yesterday, and tomorrow yet how is she going to remember an appt she has with BM/BD 2 days from now. I smell an agenda.
What is a good age for them to get the details? Is it sending the wrong message and creating hopes of a reunion having BM and BD sitting down having lunch with her?
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need2blend
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:49 AM
That was DH reply to BM when she said he was a bad dad for not giving SD what she requested. He said that it is his job as a parent to say no to SD on certain things. I find it hard to believe that SD would even know how to request an get together of her parents :) just seems like moms words not hers.

Quoting whatIknownow:

SD may "request" a lot of things that her 5yo brain thinks is a good idea. It's a bad idea. Your DH should say no. Its not that hard to say "sometimes mommies and daddies don't live together but we both love you very much." DH doesn't need BM's permission to tell his daughter this.

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whatIknownow
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:53 AM


Quoting need2blend:

I told him that it should be talked about on her time when she asks the question not by appointment bc of a 5 yr olds attention spam. If they sit her down at the wrong time she might not hear a word they say. She is not that serious of a child...more of a free-spirited one. BM is claiming that BD already agreed to this and it would break SD heart if they don't. I told him bs because SD doesn't understand the concept of today, yesterday, and tomorrow yet how is she going to remember an appt she has with BM/BD 2 days from now. I smell an agenda.
What is a good age for them to get the details? Is it sending the wrong message and creating hopes of a reunion having BM and BD sitting down having lunch with her?

Why make such a big deal out of it? It's a simple question, I'd answer it as soon as it was asked. Both parties can answer it. No need to make a big production out of it. I also agree that if she asks a question, and then two days later it is answered, she will probably have no idea what they're talking about since she probably has forgotten that she even asked the question at that point.

To be honest, to a 5yo who doesn't remember her parents ever being together, the answer to that questio is probably more important to the adults involved than it is to the child who asked the question.

There is no need to give any details. SD does not need to know anything at all about why they split up. I am sure a 5yo is not sophisticated enough to process a lunch together as a sign they are "getting back together." But there is no reason for a lunch together (unless everyone wants to do that because they all like each other).

Mommy0505
by Silver Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:55 AM

What details is she exactly going to be getting??

Mommy & Daddy don't live together.  There are many kinds of families and this is one of them.  Some kids live with just their grandparents & not with either parent.  Some kids live with 'friends' (foster care) when both mommy & daddy can't take care of them.  Some kids live with mommy & daddy at the same house & some kids are lucky enough to have two houses to live at!  Some kids have only daddies or only mommies... it's true.

 

At 5 she could become exposed to the different lifestyles through kids at school.  IF they are going to "meet" w/SD then it shouldn't last more than 10 minutes.  No details should be given about the reason for separation.  That should not weigh on a child's mind.  Simple & to the point.

Good Luck!

JenB0608
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:57 AM

 Totally agree!!

Quoting whatIknownow:

SD may "request" a lot of things that her 5yo brain thinks is a good idea. It's a bad idea. Your DH should say no. Its not that hard to say "sometimes mommies and daddies don't live together but we both love you very much." DH doesn't need BM's permission to tell his daughter this.

 

on vacationJenn  "Live, Laugh, Love"

whatIknownow
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 11:57 AM


Quoting need2blend:

That was DH reply to BM when she said he was a bad dad for not giving SD what she requested. He said that it is his job as a parent to say no to SD on certain things. I find it hard to believe that SD would even know how to request an get together of her parents :) just seems like moms words not hers.

Quoting whatIknownow:

SD may "request" a lot of things that her 5yo brain thinks is a good idea. It's a bad idea. Your DH should say no. Its not that hard to say "sometimes mommies and daddies don't live together but we both love you very much." DH doesn't need BM's permission to tell his daughter this.

Whose  idea was it to get divorced? Was it DH's? I wonder if BM is making such a big deal out of this because she wants DH to explain why he ripped SD's family apart (if it was his idea).

I remember when my SD-then-5 told me that she had asked her mom why they weren't married (they split up before she was a year old), and her mom told her "because your dad is married to WIKN".  Nice, BM. Way to make your daughter think I'm the reason her family is in shreds. I held on to anger about that for years. Apparently I am still angry about that.

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