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Motherly feelings towards Stepkids

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:07 PM
  • 21 Replies

Does anyone have suggestions on how I can feel more motherly towards my stepchildren?  I don't want to be their mother, I have two children of my own, but I would like to feel some sort of emotional bond with them and as of right now, I have nothing.  I think if I felt more feelings for them, I wouldnt mind having to pick up after them and do for them as much as I do.  Does this sound crazy?  Right now, when they come over, it feels like just two more people I have to cook for and pick up after.  HELP!!!!!

by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:10 PM
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I think if you didnt have to cook for them and pick up after them you might be able to enjoy their company more, which is the start of an emotional bond. Right now they are a burden to you because your DH doesn't do his job, which is to take care of his own kids. If this continues you will resent them more and more and the window for forming an emotional bond will be nailed shut.

Pooobaihr
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:12 PM
2 moms liked this

Well technically they are just two more people you have to pick up after and clean up for.  The best advice I can tell you is to do things with them.  Take them to the park.  I don't know the sexes of these kids, but for example, if you have a boy and girl (of your own kids) and the other kids are boy and girl, take the girls out to have fun, leave the boys with dad... then on another day take the boys out for a movie, leave the girls with dad...  Only way you can get a bond is if you WANT a bond and making that bond is time.

Ms.Gwen
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:25 PM
That was beautifully put WIKN. OP, I think you should read WIKNs response to your DH and tell him how you feel.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I think if you didnt have to cook for them and pick up after them you might be able to enjoy their company more, which is the start of an emotional bond. Right now they are a burden to you because your DH doesn't do his job, which is to take care of his own kids. If this continues you will resent them more and more and the window for forming an emotional bond will be nailed shut.


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pseudomamma
by Silver Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:13 PM

How old are they?


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:43 PM

And how long have they been in your life?  And how often do they come over?  And how old are your kids?

Oh, and how is your marriage?

LoriDeen
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:45 PM
1 mom liked this

My comments won't be appreciated here, but I'm being honest. If you had no feelings at all for his children, you shouldn't have married him. You'll never feel like they are truly "yours," and you'll always feel somewhat differently toward a step than a birth child, but very few stepmothers look on their step children as a "burden," or "just one more mouth to feed."  Definitely get your DH involved, but frankly, I think you'll both benefit from counseling.

I don't agree that it is soley the DH's job to cook, clean and do laundry for those children. What are you going to do? Separate the laundry and tell the poor stepchildren, "Sorry, I only do laundry and make meals for my REAL children?"

When you marry into this situation, you'd better understand that if there isn't a bond, it won't work.

Deedee0115
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:50 PM

This is dad's job, not yours...so often we feel that being the good wife means doing everything for his kids too. He needs to know that it is his responsibility and not an expectation. If you do cook, obviously don't leave them out but let him know that he needs to participate in setting the table or cleaning up after all of the kids....just a thought. You are not a maid or a cook. resentment will be the end all of any type of bond...technically it isn't the kids you are resenting though, that focus should be on dad and dshould be communicated and fixed. the kids dont know any better....after all, they are just kids in a messed up situation that they didn't ask for.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I think if you didnt have to cook for them and pick up after them you might be able to enjoy their company more, which is the start of an emotional bond. Right now they are a burden to you because your DH doesn't do his job, which is to take care of his own kids. If this continues you will resent them more and more and the window for forming an emotional bond will be nailed shut.


Deedee0115
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 3:56 PM
1 mom liked this

I appreciate them!! I agree that there shouldn't be a separation and the resentment should be towards dad not helping not the children. Wash the clothes together but expect that DAD should be helping to fold and put away. Cook for everyone but expect that DAD should help clean up afterwards.....he may not realise the extra work and may just need to hear that you need help. As far as the relationship goes....they are kids, learan about them, what they like, don't like and want in life. If they like art paint with them, if they like sports take them to a field and get a game going.....if you were trying to date someone you would seek out what they like, RIGHT!! You are trying to form a relationship that will be there for many years to come. My non biological daughter is MINE!!! I say I have 2 daughters and even though we look nothing alike I say she is mine and we laugh when people look puzzled, it's our inside joke. Love is not an emotion, it is an action...GO ACT ON IT...quit waiting for it to magically happen!!

Quoting LoriDeen:

My comments won't be appreciated here, but I'm being honest. If you had no feelings at all for his children, you shouldn't have married him. You'll never feel like they are truly "yours," and you'll always feel somewhat differently toward a step than a birth child, but very few stepmothers look on their step children as a "burden," or "just one more mouth to feed."  Definitely get your DH involved, but frankly, I think you'll both benefit from counseling.

I don't agree that it is soley the DH's job to cook, clean and do laundry for those children. What are you going to do? Separate the laundry and tell the poor stepchildren, "Sorry, I only do laundry and make meals for my REAL children?"

When you marry into this situation, you'd better understand that if there isn't a bond, it won't work.


jayeguice
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 4:46 PM

Thanks everyone.  My stepson is 11 and my bio-son is 11 and my stepdaughter is 8 and my bio-daughter is 8.  I already do wash everyone's clothes, cook everyones meals (usually cooking separate things for the step kids because they have been allowed to be such picky eaters they don't eat the variety of foods my children eat).  I do see where resentment is starting to set in and I realize it isn't my stepkids fault.  I have been married for a 1 1/2 years and we get his kids 50% of the time, as we do mine.  It has become such a very stressful situation when we have all the kids together.  His children are very loud, they tend to leave their belongings all over the place, won't take a bath or brush their teeth without being told, etc.  My children are not perfect by no means, but they are very different from my step kids.  They have been taught about hygeine, about picking up after yourself, about inside voices, about not running and acting like animals inside, etc.  I know it isn't my stepkids fault that they haven't been taught these things.....  It just makes for a very hard and stressful situation for me. 

Devtanbay3
by on Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:21 PM
My SS-12 is also very pick but there is no way I would be making a separate meal for him. I don't do it for my Bkids either. If they don't want to eat what I have cooked then they know where the bread, peanut butter & jelly are. Mine are old enough to do it themselves. I am nOt a short order cook and I dot cook exotic meals that I am expecting him to eat.

Quoting jayeguice:

Thanks everyone.  My stepson is 11 and my bio-son is 11 and my stepdaughter is 8 and my bio-daughter is 8.  I already do wash everyone's clothes, cook everyones meals (usually cooking separate things for the step kids because they have been allowed to be such picky eaters they don't eat the variety of foods my children eat).  I do see where resentment is starting to set in and I realize it isn't my stepkids fault.  I have been married for a 1 1/2 years and we get his kids 50% of the time, as we do mine.  It has become such a very stressful situation when we have all the kids together.  His children are very loud, they tend to leave their belongings all over the place, won't take a bath or brush their teeth without being told, etc.  My children are not perfect by no means, but they are very different from my step kids.  They have been taught about hygeine, about picking up after yourself, about inside voices, about not running and acting like animals inside, etc.  I know it isn't my stepkids fault that they haven't been taught these things.....  It just makes for a very hard and stressful situation for me. 

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