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BM trying to push us out of the picture

Posted by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 8:59 PM
  • 21 Replies

My SD mom has a new boyfriend who she has only lived with for a few months.  I think she wants to replace my husband with her boyfriend as the man in SD's life.  My husband told me that the boyfriend is trying to get full custody of his daughter from another relationship, so maybe that's what she wants to do to us!

We had to get joint custody of my SD so we could see her on a regular basis.  Mom would tell us that we could have her, my husband would go over to their apartment and no one would be home!  So we got fed up with that BS and filed for joint custody which of course pissed her off to no end!  How dare my husband want to spend time with his only child!

I know for a fact that my SD loves her dad, but feels a lot of pressure from her mom to pick her over him!  This poor girl has been through so much, Mom puts her in the middle of adult issues.  We thought things were going pretty well until Mom wouldn't let us have my SD for Thanksgiving, it was supposed to be our year to have her.  This woman is so selfish, she makes it about her, and doesn't think how all this drama affects my SD!

I think she does these things to get back at my husband because her had the nerve to leave her.  I came see why he did, she made him miserable!  Has no job and was happy spending his, he works for his money!  This woman still doesn't have a job, she just snapped this guy up.  He has a nice house and a job so I guess she doesn't have to worry about money.  She is such a gold digger!  Before she moved in with him she lived in this little apartment, in fact it was government housing. 

I feel like now that she has a boyfriend with some money she feels like she doesn't need my husband anymore.  What a witch!  We have to go back to mediation yet again so my husband gets what is rightfully his, his daughter!  No one is taking her away from us!

by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 8:59 PM
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by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:10 PM
Good luck!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 11:48 PM

 hunny i know how you feel! my SD BM is "engaged" to this guy she has been living with since jan. and she tells everyone that they are getting married in december how in 3 months idk..... but she and him tell everyone that SD is his and not my DH...she even tries to tell SD that her BF is her dad not my DH.. crazy.. DH has only been with me..we have been together since SD was 6months old... she has had like 10 diff BF's in the 3 and a half years. and DH has had me.... she isnt setting a good example for her..


joint custody is that best thing we had to get joint custody of SD bc BM wouldnt let us see her and only was Child support but not let DH see his child.. and then she wanted to call him a sperm donor and tell everyone he doesnt want to see his child and wont pay child support.....

our lawyer wanted us to get full custody....

by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 11:56 PM

I don't know sounds a lot like bm in our situation but they only dated for a short time, and she doesnt even date but actually did ask dh to sign over his rights.


Owner of the cafemom group
Parenting a child with Behavioral disorders by adoption or step parenting

by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 11:58 PM

So sorry to hear about that! We've been there. After several years of informal shared custody where we had sd more of the time than bm, bm found a great boyfriend who was really great with sd.  Only problem was the boyfriend wanted them to be a traditional nuclear family.  They started doing stuff like you've experienced - not showing up, ignoring calls, and even keeping dh from sd for a month. During the custody proceedings, they up and moved to a different city.  We now get her three weekends out of the month.

It sucks. We felt totally used bc while we were raising the kids, bm was off partying, going to concerts, and snowboarding. When she found a guy to take care of her, we were no longer needed. And worst of all is the conflict that sd feels.  She went from a very loving and cuddly girl to emotionally withdrawn, including not even wanting to give us hugs in front of her mom during drop-off. It took several months but we're starting to get used to the new arrangement and sd is slowing starting to open up more to us again. 

Hang in there and best of luck in mediation :) 

by on Nov. 27, 2011 at 12:03 PM

Yes, he did the right thing by asking for joint custody now HE needs to be there for the child that doesn't mean stepping back and having you do all the heavy lifting. Mom's relationship status is really not relavent, the soon you realize that the better.

Just a pet peeve he has custody - you don't.

by on Nov. 27, 2011 at 7:25 PM

Thanks for all the support, its nice to know that we are not alone!  Well I am trying to stay positive and just hope that this all works out.  I know it will help tp have someone neutral involved, the mediator.  I know these people are professional and won't take sides.  This woman is not going to get her way.  I think what she is doing now is only going to make her look bad to the mediator!  Keeping my husbands daughter away from him during holidays is evil.  We don't know what is wrong with BM, I think she has mental problems myself, she treats people in her life like crap.  She is in the honey moon pahse of this new relationship with her boyfriend, I'm sure if he ever does anything to piss her off, he'll see the real crazy person we have to deal with!!!

Anyway I'm sure we will get to see my SD soon.  We have done nothing wrong.  This woman thinks she is the better parent, she's not trust me!  I have been keeping track of all the times she is supposed to be with and isn't.  We also have a lot of pictures of my SD when she's been with us, smiling and having fun, so we have evidence that she is happy with us.  She knows nothing about us, just her unfounded opinions!  BM is a very dysfunctional person!

by Bronze Member on Nov. 27, 2011 at 7:47 PM

I appreciate that you're trying to stay optimistic but you seem to be a bit overzealous/confused. 

Her boyfriend trying to get custody of his own child is both irrelavant to you and a good thing in terms of SD. It shows that he takes his responsibilities as a parent seriously and he's a caring guy. That's better then having some loser hanging around.

It's good your husband got a Court Order. They help protect everyone, it's his own fault for not getting one in the first place if he was denied time with his daughter. Mom was a bitch for sure but he's responsble for it too.

Did you have court ordered TG?

I notice you talk about how selfish she is and how she's dragging SD into some drama. What specifically would that be? All I see is that she didn't follow the CO, which is unfortunate and bad but not very dramatic.... what I do find dramatic is the exclamations of "She wants him back." "she's a gold digger" "I can see why my husband left her"(implying she's a bad person) and the insinuation that because she lived in government housing you're a better person. That seems kind of selfish of you imho, have you thought about how this attidue affects your SD?

SD can't be taken from you because she's not yours. She's also not a box of cookies that can be "rightfully someones".  She's a person. It's not about your hubby or BM getting "their" time, its about SD getting to appropriate time to bond with both her parents. 

The mediator will be taking your SD's side. I find it odd you say "mediator won't take sides" and immeadiately follow it with "she wont get her way" as if you expect the first statement not to apply to you. It wasnt evil (thats dramatic) and the mediator honestly will not consider that as a crucial point in any way unless its a constant thing since CO has been issued. 

If you walk into mediation talking shit about BM  ("she has mental problems") all you will do is make youreselves look uncooperative and not in a good position to be parenting. 

I doubt you're a better parent if you have such a poor attitude. What does "I have been keeping track of all the times she is supposed to be with and isnt" mean? 

Pictures of SD are irrelavent. I'm not sure why you would mention this. SD being happy with you doesnt mean she isnt happy with BM, they're not mutually exclusive. Running around calling people disfunctional is a pretty surefire way to rub people the wrong way.

How old is you SD? How often does your husband get her?

by on Nov. 27, 2011 at 7:52 PM

I compleatly understand how you feel. My husband ex is the same way with their two boys. My SS know more than any child should know. I hope everything turns out good for you. She is lucky to have you for a SM

by on Nov. 30, 2011 at 8:44 PM
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Hey I only came on her for support, not a bunch of BS from someone who knows nothing about me or my family!  So if you have nothing nice to say, but out!!!!

by on Nov. 30, 2011 at 8:54 PM

Oh and by the way we didn't get to see my SD for Thanksgiving too.  I am pretty upset about this and then I come on here and have to read that crap from JacyB!  What the hell?  You know nothing about me and my family!

I have been in my step-daughter's life since she was 5, now she's 12, so I have a lot invested in that relationship.  I love her and care about her.  I may not be her biological parent, but I am one of her parents.  Me and my husband have been through a lot of ups and downs because of his ex girlfriend.  She never makes things easy for us.  We have tried over and over to work with her.  We don't go into mediation "talking shit" about my SD's mom, we are more mature then that!  Besides, I'm not going in there, my husband is.  I was just venting.  I would never say this things to anyone but my husband!!!  Some people think they are the expert on other people's lives!!!  You aren't lady!!!

My SD's mom wouldn't even let my husband have his daughter on Thanksgiving and he was supposed to according on what she agreed to the first time they went to mediation!  This woman has keep her away from us and the rest of our family on Christmas before!  So that is what we are dealing with!

So thanks for the criticism JacyB!  It's what I really needed!

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