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WTF Did I do to deserve this??

Posted by on Jan. 2, 2012 at 5:20 PM
  • 10 Replies
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I just don't feel as if I can possible keep doing this. First off I was raised in a blended family and it was wonderful. My parents were a team and we were all happy. So when I met me DH I thought Hey I can do this! Well 5yrs later and I don't feel like I can mentally keep doing this. We have sole custody of my two SS. They have zero contact with BM. But they are just not listening. We have always had the same rules and consequences. They REFUSE to do their chores and its really hard. We have tried everything. My DH and our two biological children are great. They do their chores and listen. They work REALLY hard to get their points for their special rewards. But my two SS don't care. I can see where its affecting my DS DD because they have started sleeping in my bed again, which is really hard because I am currently 6months pregnant. Basically I am just needing to vent, because I don't know what to do anymore.

by on Jan. 2, 2012 at 5:20 PM
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lilangilyn
by on Jan. 2, 2012 at 5:32 PM
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Sorry that it all seems very tough right now. One thing I have learned about consequences is that you have to find what matters to the child. For instance, for some children taking about priviledges such as TV or video games is no big deal. But take away cute clothing and provide only white polos and khakis is a huge deal and kids will do anything to avoid that. So try to find what your skids really care about, warn them that there will be consequences and then follow through immediately.

And don't get discouraged. Some kids need a lot of stuff to be taken from them before they feel they have to change. It's not that your skids don't care, it's that you haven't had consequences that they care about. You will have to be more creative.

Michaelsmom763
by on Jan. 2, 2012 at 5:34 PM

Whats the ages of all the children?

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 2, 2012 at 8:05 PM
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I think I would tell DH that if the boys dont do their chores, I expect him to do them instead. He is responsible for the behavior of his kids.

for example, if washing the dishes is one of their chores, after a reasonable time if the dishes aren't washed, I'd say "DH, can you take care of those dishes please?"  and then he can either get his son to it or do it himself.

Ousunshine325
by on Jan. 2, 2012 at 8:14 PM
2 moms liked this
As a sm of two teenagers.. It does not get easier. You and dh have to be on the same page and there needs to be consequences when they do not do their part. If you and dh are not united it will tear you apart!
Mommy0505
by on Jan. 2, 2012 at 8:15 PM


Quoting lilangilyn:

Sorry that it all seems very tough right now. One thing I have learned about consequences is that you have to find what matters to the child. For instance, for some children taking about priviledges such as TV or video games is no big deal. But take away cute clothing and provide only white polos and khakis is a huge deal and kids will do anything to avoid that. So try to find what your skids really care about, warn them that there will be consequences and then follow through immediately.

And don't get discouraged. Some kids need a lot of stuff to be taken from them before they feel they have to change. It's not that your skids don't care, it's that you haven't had consequences that they care about. You will have to be more creative.


This is so true!!  Taking toys or tv time away wasn't that big of a deal when our kids (SD & DS) hit about 8 yrs old (they're the same age). So we'd end up taking lots of things away & nothing really changing... till we changed the consequence.

They aren't fans of an 8:30 bedtime (which we are very strict on, for many reasons) so now when they deliberately disobey they earn 5 minutes early to bed.  They are warned (like, If you continue to talk back disrespectfully you will earn time to go to bed early) then, if they continue, we calmly add the minutes up. "That's talking disrespectfully, that's 5 minutes early to bed".. Usually there's a retaliation remark to which we respond "Disrespect gets you 5 more minutes so now you will go to bed 10 minutes early.  The time will continue to add up the more you choose to do that".

Took one time of going to bed 35 minutes early (while the other stayed awak because he didn't do anything to earn that punishment) then we were back on track.

 

I agree - Get Creative!! =)

ame4c
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2012 at 8:24 PM

 I wonder if you are having the same problem I have.  My SS (14) has issues because his mother is a piece of shit.  Although I would never tell him that, he knows it in his heart.  It's hard for the kids and he acts out sometimes because of it.  What helps us, is SS and I do things when my kids go to see their dad.  I will take him to the movies or something that is just me and him.  The other thing that makes it difficult is he and his dad have two different personalities (he is actually more like me).  His dad is a mechanic and he is a computer gamer.  So his dad gets frustrated when all he wants to do is play video games.  It adds tension for sure.  I find that SS does better when he gets to feel special once in awhile.  All children need this feeling and if your BM is a piece of shit that doesn't come around, you feel worthless.  It's hard when your BF doesn't come around, but I think it's even harder when your mother abandons them. 

Now, I'm not saying these kids need special treatment at all.  Just maybe some one on one time with either you or dad (or maybe both).  Your bio kids should get this as well.  Once a month just make each of them feel special for a day.

ame4c
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2012 at 8:27 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting lilangilyn:

Sorry that it all seems very tough right now. One thing I have learned about consequences is that you have to find what matters to the child. For instance, for some children taking about priviledges such as TV or video games is no big deal. But take away cute clothing and provide only white polos and khakis is a huge deal and kids will do anything to avoid that. So try to find what your skids really care about, warn them that there will be consequences and then follow through immediately.

And don't get discouraged. Some kids need a lot of stuff to be taken from them before they feel they have to change. It's not that your skids don't care, it's that you haven't had consequences that they care about. You will have to be more creative.

 Oh yeah, my kids hate dishes. So they get to do dishes for a week as a punishment.  One time I even grounded them from electricity becuase I could not get them to stop leaving the lights on in the house all the time.  Mine are all teens and pre-teen, though.

     ame4c





 

cailliermommy
by on Jan. 3, 2012 at 5:31 PM

Thank you everyone for your support. My two SS are 11 about to be 12 and 7yrs old. I am totally going to try the early bedtime trick. That will probably work on my oldest. I just want to thank ya'll for being there for me when I need support and to be held up. Thank you

Chrismomto5
by on Jan. 3, 2012 at 6:34 PM

It sounds like your ss's need some counseling.  They are probably having abandonment issues and subconsciously think that if they misbehave enough, they will be sent back to their mom, or their mom will come back to help fix the problem.  

cailliermommy
by on Jan. 3, 2012 at 9:13 PM

We have had them in counseling since all this happened..3yrs now. We knew they would need to talk to a professional about what happened.

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