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You knew what you were getting into when you married him....

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 12:42 PM
  • 11 Replies
How about when custody changes? You marry a man you become eowe SM and then years later your DH gets full custody or even 50/50.... Are you not allowed an adjustment period or some sort of understanding that this change has turned your life and home upside down?
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by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 12:42 PM
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Replies (1-10):
GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 1:05 PM
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When you marry an EOWE father you do need to realize that anything can happen at any second. If you aren't prepared for the possibilty of him becoming CP then marrying him shouldn't have happened. That is life.
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paladinmom
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 1:13 PM

The best I can think of is if you know that the possibility is coming for the SKs to be there 50/50 or FT, you have to act quickly to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for more kids.  I would do a bunch of talking with DH about it.  Wanting to know his view on rules, consequences, schedule for the SKs, etc.  What is he going to take care of and what does he expect me to do?  I am not going to jump in with both feet and be a FT hands on SM...

That would be IF he didn't have custody when I first met him.  And, if it ever changed and were less - you bet we'd be having a talk of how things had to change around the house....  

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jan. 15, 2012 at 1:28 PM

Understanding, yes...but will you get it?  Don't expect everyone to tip-toe around you until you get used to the hustle and bustle.

Adjustment period?  How does one accomplish that?  I guess maybe if you are willing to leave the house yourself and ease yourself into the situation instead of the other way around.

I think in a situation that your talking about, the best thing to do is roll with the punches...it's probably the only thing you CAN do. 

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 1:32 PM

I have 2 yrs to adjust before we get full custody of SS. According to BM-when he turns 7-he's coming to live with us full time.


4and1mom
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:04 PM
I like the roll with the punches statement :)
I think it is an adjustment on the SMs part along with the rest of the family in the house including the sk.
I guess a BM who has never been in this sitch could easily say "the marriage should not have happened, you knew what you were getting into...." But no you know the possibility, but not the complete dynamics of what is really going to happen in your life, your home.


Quoting sandeeyo:

Understanding, yes...but will you get it?  Don't expect everyone to tip-toe around you until you get used to the hustle and bustle.


Adjustment period?  How does one accomplish that?  I guess maybe if you are willing to leave the house yourself and ease yourself into the situation instead of the other way around.


I think in a situation that your talking about, the best thing to do is roll with the punches...it's probably the only thing you CAN do. 

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sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:13 PM
1 mom liked this

I know that sometimes "roll with the punches" doesn't quite work out, because sometimes you get punched so hard that it's like, "WTF just ran me over???" Been there, done that...duck and roooooollll!!!! lol

Quoting 4and1mom:

I like the roll with the punches statement :)
I think it is an adjustment on the SMs part along with the rest of the family in the house including the sk.
I guess a BM who has never been in this sitch could easily say "the marriage should not have happened, you knew what you were getting into...." But no you know the possibility, but not the complete dynamics of what is really going to happen in your life, your home.


Quoting sandeeyo:

Understanding, yes...but will you get it?  Don't expect everyone to tip-toe around you until you get used to the hustle and bustle.


Adjustment period?  How does one accomplish that?  I guess maybe if you are willing to leave the house yourself and ease yourself into the situation instead of the other way around.


I think in a situation that your talking about, the best thing to do is roll with the punches...it's probably the only thing you CAN do. 


Chelliza1028
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:23 PM

 When I moved in with DH.. he had SD every other weekend. BM found out we were getting serious, so she stopped letting him have SD all together. He filed for visitation.. he left for court and me and everyone else was under the impression that he was going for basic visitation, every other weekend, every other holiday and 2 weeks vacation in the summer. He came home, with SD, and every single weekend, one week night every week, every other holiday, all school breaks and 6 weeks in the summer..

I was not prepared.. I'm adjusting.. We moved into a two bedroom, because he only wanted every other weekend.. then bam... we have her about 40 percent of the time..

lilangilyn
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 3:11 PM

Yes, I think you need an adjustment period, probably some counseling, some serious talks with DH, and some major understandings about discipline. I don't think you are required just to suck it up. I think you are required to still try to make a good life for yourself within the context of your blended family. And that is different for everybody. I think it is OK to mourn the life you lost a little.

I think it is crap to be told otherwise and the people who tell you to suck it up are fools.

AmberShafer1027
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 3:16 PM

Me and my fiance won full custody of his son in september, but since i had already seen him a few times on visits i knew what i was getting into since i myself have 2 kids. once we got him it didn't really feel like things changed at all, we put up another bed for him in the babies room and that was that (: . Now I am the proud mommy of not just 2, but 3 baby boys and expecting our 4th child (: .

chanizen
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 3:37 PM
Yes. You get to adjust but not destroy...

And you never know what life will
Hand you.

As a bm you should be prepared to take care of your child 100%. Or share with bf. and a lot of mess in between.

As a bf, he has to be ready to do the same.

And as an sm you should be ready to support him in that. What you don't get to do is say... Hey now that your kids want to change things up, I won't let you. You can say "you be responsible". You can say "I will be supportive in this way, but not this way..." but you can't stop a parent from being a parent.... You only determine your level of involvement.
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