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Enough is enough.

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:16 PM
  • 22 Replies

I've been married for about 10 years.  My husband had 3 grown children out of the house.  I had 2 grown children out of the house.  He had been divorced for several years before we hooked up.  I've got to tell you the whole time we have been together her daughters (35,27) and his ex-wife have been extremely hostile to me. Never friendly and often very malicious.  I avoid then at all costs - But he doesn't.  He seems to take the blows and beleive me they have plenty of ammo, and do it again, and again.

At the very least they are rude, at their best they are down-right nasty.  They do whatever they can to keep me away from their dad an it makes me mad that he will actually visit them (oh always in "hopes" of fixing things) or going out to dinner with them.  Of course, I'm not invited and I'm just plan had enough.  One Drama replaces the last drama.  He never insists that they fend up to their bad behavior.  It's always something and it goes on and on.

We've talked about this many times.  He says he is/will make it clear to them that I'm part of his life and that they either accept that or don't see him - but you know that what he says - he hasn't done it becasue I can tell you if one of the calls and "allows" him to visit and see the grandkids (used like pawns) he is all over it. 

I'm unsettled about the whole thing and have had enough.  Right now, as i write this he is visiting the younger daughter who just had her first  baby.  He feels "bad" I couldn't go and of course "intends to make it clear to her that he won't be a part of her life and new granddaughter's life, if she does't accept me" - but I don't have a lot of confidence this will occur.  There is always a reason why he cant' talk about it; she is sick, she is in trouble, she is expecting, the kids are around, etc.

I'm so up tight abut the whole thing - him not insisting at least they are respectful to me, that I'm losing sleep.  He gets totally frustrated when we talk about this, just totally overwhelmed.











by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:16 PM
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by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:26 PM

Do you expect him to see the kids with you there only? 

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:27 PM
2 moms liked this

Since they are adults, he has very little control over them, and you are probably fighting a losing battle. You never actually "parented" these women, and they owe you nothing. Yes, it's rude that they treat you badly, but what do you suggest your DH do?  Ground them? I'm sure he could tell them that he won't see them anymore, but I don't think you really want to be the woman who forced her DH to cut his grandchildren out of his life, do you?

Sometimes the situation can't be fixed to everyone's satisfaction. Here's what I suggest:

1. Let him visit/go to dinner with his daughters without you. Take that time for a spa treatment or an evening with your best girlfriends.

2. When he sees his grandchildren, see #1.

3. Stop trying to make the man choose between his daughters and grandchildren and you.

4. Ask only that when they are in your house (if they ever come over), they must be respectful toward you. If they aren't, your DH has to ask them to leave. If they get snotty, he has to say, "I'm sorry, but we'll talk about this later. Right now, I'd like to spend the rest of the evening with my wife."

The fact is, those will always be his daughters and they didn't have any say in who their dad married. Your DH loves his grandchildren.  Don't take those relationships from him. Simply distance yourself and establish a life of your own when he is with them.

by Silver Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:28 PM

I would imagine it would be hard in your situation with grown children.  There's not much a parent can do to correct this kind of behavior at this age.

How were the relationships before you got married?  Has he been saying for 10+ years that he is going to set them straight, because his actions would speak otherwise...

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:30 PM
I don't know if I would hang around for that any longer. He has had the opportunity for change.

Perhaps step back and move out and see if you want to move on.
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by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:34 PM

Couple of things NO I don't expect him to see his grandkids only if I'm with him.  I have NEVER been with him when he is "allowed" to see his grandkids. 

His relationship with his kids before we got married was as bad as it is now. 

What is DH?

And I have considered just telling him to LEAVE me out of the whole mess.  Interestingly enough he "wants" his kids to accept me, he pushes it or at least does the topic lip service.  In lots of ways I would rather "let it go" and him just do his thing and stop pretending he is working for a resolution.

BTW this includes him being invited to birthday partys, Christmas, lunches, etc. I've never gone to any.



by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:35 PM

No, I have never meet his grandkids.  When he has been allowed to see them, he has always gone alone.

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:39 PM

 Ehhh... See, I'm the stepchild.. in reverse. My parents got back together when I was 16 and it was complete bullshit to me. My mom didn't work and my step dad, who had raised me since I was 3, was struggling to keep a roof over our heads. My mom could work, she just didn't want to. My mom left stepdad for bio dad (who was in prison for 12 years of my life on and off), and yes I love my dad.. but my step dad raised me. My mom tried that whole "you have to accept that I'm with your father" bull shit and it didn't work.. Fine don't come over. My step dad put 13 years of his life into raising me to be the woman I am today, you better believe he will be present anytime I have a holiday at my home, or any type of family get together in my home.. My mom keeps trying to force me to accept my father.. I do accept my father, BUT if it came down to it.. my step dad is the one I would choose.. I'm grown. MY mother doesn't get to dictate my relationships.. and if my parents refuse to be a part of my son's life because I choose to continue my relationship with my step dad.. then it is their own childish mistake..

Your husband should not force his children to make that choice.. Because if they really don't want to accept you, it will be him that misses out.. I don't think you should put your husnad into the situation.. They are grown.. it's too late to be a step mom now.. you are dad's wife.. let him have his time with them.. I'm sure it's rare since they are grown.. I see my parents about once every other week, same with my step dad.. I'm grown and I have my own life now..

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 11:49 PM

I think it is sad. But I also think what a great opportunity for you to bond instead with your own grown kids. In other words, when he goes to see his, you call yours or visit if you are close enough. In other words, instead of seeing it as a negative, see it as a positive.

My kids were grown when I met my DH (dear husband). I tried to bond with my step child at first, but it was a no go. I realized I had neglected my own children to try and be a good stepmom to step son. So I turned my attention back to my own kids and built some bridges.

Let them have their silly little ways. Yes, it sucks, but you don't have to ba a part of the suckiness. Do your own thing and live a wonderful life, loving those who love you. We do this now in our marriage and it really works for us.

by Bronze Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 11:57 PM

doesnt  sound like anthing is going to change. doesnt sound like he's trying very hard to change anything.guess you just have to accept it or move on. i would try to just ignore it go do something when he goes make plans for yourself to do something fum with your kids or a girlfriend.

 that sucks hang in there.

by on Jan. 16, 2012 at 7:21 AM

Thanks for the advise.  You know I never wanted him to choose "between his wife & daughters" DH has been the one who "dreams, hopes, & prays" for a working relationship between us.  Many times I felt it was better (for me) and a whole lot less drama if I just Bowed Out of the whole mess, as being in the middle has resulted in me  becoming part of their dysfunction/drama.  Hang around crazy stuff and you become a bit crazy too. 

Nothing is new here, he already had a very dysfunctional relationship with his daughters - that was in place before I came on the scene.  They already played lots of head trips; limiting his access to them, granting him an only occassionally visit with grandkids with lots of restrictions, etc.  He obviously has for years (before me) enabled these dysfunctional relationships some how. The family dynamics were to say the least not healthy. 

DH has never had the power to control these relationships, yet he talks about doing so, and well I listen.  Of late I have begun to realize he hasn't a clue and his lip service is just that, nothing happens.  I have become very resentful.

I'd like to bow out.  To some degree I feel "they" won but realize this is not a battle that should every be played out nor that I willingly want to be a part of.  BTW I have not seen or talked to either in years, and even when I did see or talk to  them it was more or less in passing.  At least I did have the good reasoning to not get involved in any dramas with them, they have frequenlty  among each other and their mother.  I've heard what is happening but Never once said anything to anyone to add to any situation.  DH relays the info to me.





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