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How do you deal with PAS?

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:28 PM
  • 6 Replies
First of all, what exactly qualifies someone for PAS? Our lovely BM I believe is really bad mouthing us to sd. She also makes comments to sd as she's coming back with us like "hang in there" or " it'll be OK" as if it's so awful being here. Which she is with us primarily and sees her mother eowe. God only knows what she is saying to her. I can just tell when her head has been filled with crap when she comes back acting "funny"
so, how do you deal with it? Ignore it? Talk to the child?
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by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:28 PM
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by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:35 PM

I used to be badmouthed.  It is in the order that it shoudln't be done.  I called a lawyer who said there was nothing he could do. 

The kids didn't believe it.  They end up seeing people for who they really are a lot of the time.

However... her telling the kid "it'll be ok" isn't badmouthing anything.  If the kid says "I don't want to go" that would actually be a good response. 

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:41 PM

I can totally relate to this post!!!! When my two dd go to there dads or his mothers they always fish for info about me and my husband and make sure they know about anything bad about either one of us. When they get back from a weekend visit it always takes them til at least wednesday to get back to normal. I really hate that the kids mine and yours are being pulled between the two families like this. It's really sad..and very confusing to kids....The only way i know how to deal with this is to be the bigger person and just not say anything negative about the other party. The truth will come out sooner or later and as the kids get older they will learn about the stupid games they play!!!!

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 9:44 PM

If theres no real issues just keep ignoring it the child will eventually see bm as the bad person for talking about bd


 I am the face of IH

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:54 PM

I think if you just keep presenting the child with the truth, things will be OK. Since she is with you most of the time, it will be easier for her to see what her mom is doing and that it is wrong. It is more difficult for NCP's because they are not with their child enough to balance the badmouthing. We got a non badmouthing clause put in our CO.

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 11:08 PM

It could just be that your SD craves more time with her mom and is expressing that, which would make those statements logical.  That doesn't mean she doesn't love your or your family, it could just be that she misses mom. If it were me, I'd sit down with SD and ask her how she feels.  Don't preach at her or tell her how she "should" feel, just listen and take her feelings into consideration. 

It could also be that she is telling mom that she misses her out of guilt.  Kids play both sides, trying to please both.  So she could be saying things like "I wish I lived with you" just to try to win favor with mom.  Again that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or BD, and she may not even mean it, just doesn't know how to verbalize that she isn't taking sides. 

There could be a lot of things going on.  But the best way to handle it is to not put her in the middle or make her choose sides.  Just listen to how she feels about it. 

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 11:14 PM
BM will say these things and really hold on tight to her the happier she is to see her dad and to come home with him. She doesn't always do it. But if she sees sd really happy to see us she will spend a little longer hugging her or talking to her. Usually she runs up to dh very happy to see him, or he can see her smiling at him as they're driving up and then she's crying as bm CARRIES her to him (she's 8 and very tall) after she's been whispering in her ear. Then once she's in the car and driving off she's laughing and smiling once again. It's obviously bm's doing on purpose. Sd is very content with the living arrangements. She loves being with both bm and dh. I totally get that she may miss her mom and always encourage her to talk about it and she knows she can call her anytime. It's always bm that says things to her to make her upset. Its just so sad
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