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opinions need

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2012 at 9:50 PM
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I'm new to the site. I'm glad I found it because now I can share with others who know what I'm going through. So, very briefly my story is.....30 years old. I been dating this guy four 5 years...now we're about to be married. My soon to be DH has four kids ages 7,9 twins, and 11. When I met him, he had custody of two of the kids....question 1....through all of this time, I still don't love them like my own. When should this feeling happen? So after dating for two year BM takes the two kids..I saw the kids very little between. The time that BM took them and know. So when BM took the kids Soon to be DH move in with me. Now we have bought a home and are about to be married. He had them over this weekend and things were okay...but I felt kinda left out...like I should give them space. I'm nervous. What do you think about this situation?
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by on Jan. 22, 2012 at 9:50 PM
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Replies (1-6):
paladinmom
by on Jan. 22, 2012 at 10:26 PM
3 moms liked this


Quoting Marykaystar5876:

I'm new to the site. I'm glad I found it because now I can share with others who know what I'm going through. So, very briefly my story is.....30 years old. I been dating this guy four 5 years...now we're about to be married. My soon to be DH has four kids ages 7,9 twins, and 11. When I met him, he had custody of two of the kids....question 1....through all of this time, I still don't love them like my own. When should this feeling happen?  Do you have children of your own?  If yes, the love is different.  One is an unconditional love and bond with the children you carried.  The other is a love that has grown on you for the children.
So after dating for two year BM takes the two kids..I saw the kids very little between. The time that BM took them and know. So when BM took the kids Soon to be DH move in with me. Now we have bought a home and are about to be married. He had them over this weekend and things were okay...but I felt kinda left out...like I should give them space.  It is perfectly fine for you to sit back and watch your STBH (soon to be husband) spend time with his children.  You can join in playing games with them and having fun.  There should be no problem with this.  It sounds like you are entering the role of a SM cautiously - that is good.  Some SMs come in full force expecting to be love and respected off the bat - and that isn't how it happens.  Keep doing what you're doing...
I'm nervous. What do you think about this situation? It sounds like you are entering the role of a SM cautiously - that is good.  Some SMs come in full force expecting to be love and respected off the bat - and that isn't how it happens.  Keep doing what you're doing...


maria1613
by on Jan. 22, 2012 at 10:33 PM

That's how I am with my SD. We were kinda thrust into each others lives because I got pregnant right away and I was extremely cautious at first, like you seem to be. Now I've known her approx 2 years now and she has been living with us for 7 months full time now, she is by the way 17 yrs old. So now I'm having difficulty knowing when I need to discipline her and when I should let her dad do it. And both realize that I'm still struggling and they've been amazing about the whole situation and me getting used to my role as SM. I can't offer any advice for you but I can sympathize with your situation

lilangilyn
by on Jan. 22, 2012 at 11:10 PM

Pretty typical really. Why did he get custody of only two of the kids? Usually judges don't like to separate siblings so just curious. I haven't read all the replies so maybe you already answered that.

You don't have to love them like your own and yes, you are going to feel left out. So that is why I say typical. I think it is probably wise to give them some space. Blended families take a long time to sort themselves out.

ROBIN-C
by on Jan. 22, 2012 at 11:18 PM
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 i would say do some of both. do give them some alone time, but also join in in playing games and also have meals together. we often play games while we eat. we have a box of cards called 'dinner games' or something close. that only gets played while we eat, might be worth checking into for you!

we also do family reading at bedtime. sometimes its all of us. sometimes its just daughter and boyfriend, sometimes its just me and daughter. just depends on what we have going on around the house. but its a good bonding time!

i dont feel like you should totally step back because then they might feel like you arent interested in them at all.

ThePinkRobot
by on Jan. 22, 2012 at 11:31 PM
I agree w 1st replier.
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Marykaystar5876
by on Jan. 23, 2012 at 4:31 PM
Thanks for the reassurance.
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